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Original poster

Just need a whine about dh

28 replies

Thecatsbutler · 15/05/2023 10:05

Just that really. Dh is so uninterested in stuff that doesn't involve him directly. If I start talking about anything that I think he should have an opinion or even a thought on, like kids education, vacations, what to make for dinner etc.... he'll answer 'whatever you think'....'I see what you mean'....but not actually engage. He will then get up and go to the toilet, make a coffee, or just go upstairs. Or, he'll pull out his phone while I'm still speaking or change tv channel, while I'm still speaking.
Even when the kids are trying to talk to him about whatever Is important to them, he'll relate it back to however it relates to him. He's really pissing me off today. Trying to talk about the kids future, what uni's etc and he's just started scrolling his phone.
He can talk for days about his job though, just not interested enough in us to engage. 🤨🤨

OP posts:
chenilleblanket · 15/05/2023 10:14

I have a partner like this. His parents are exactly the same, they never ask any questions about anyone or anything, show zero interest in anything that doesn't directly concern them or that isn't an interest of theirs. I've given up with DP, I spend the evenings on my own and I don't bother trying to engage him in conversation other than household stuff. That way I don't have to suffer the feelings of frustration and humiliation when he makes it blatantly obvious he doesn't care about me. I worry how his disinterest will affect DD when she is older as she's only 3 now.

Chamomileteaplease · 15/05/2023 10:16

Have you discussed it with him? If that's possible!

I can't imagine how he could explain himself. Very sad.

TrundleToes · 15/05/2023 10:16

My ExH was like this. I didn't notice it or realise it until after we had children. He got ruder and ruder in his disdain. He did me a favour in the end by leaving for OW from work - I presume they talked about his work all day and night, and of course then he didn't have to listen to me trying to talk about the DC. (He deigned to see them one night a month, fgs.)

The rudeness sometimes got as far as silly personal insults, so not just phone scrolling but adding, 'why don't you wear clothes like this?' and pointing at a picture.

I had a lot of therapy to work out how I had let such an undermining, petty man into my life and become the father of my children, and why I was putting up with it. Simple answer: my parents treated me like crap, so I was trained for it.

Who trained you up to tolerate this crappy behaviour? You're worth more than this. So are your DC. Don't be me.

Good luck Flowers and please do have a good old vent.

Original poster
Thecatsbutler · 15/05/2023 11:40

I do try and laugh it off, especially when it's the kids, even though I'm seething inside. I realise he has probably always been this way. I tell myself he used to engage, we used to talk all the time, about everything.....didn't we?
No actually we didn't. I used to talk all the time, about everything and he used to listen and nod.

OP posts:
TrundleToes · 15/05/2023 18:17

What do you think you want to do, OP? Once you've seen the light (so to speak) it's impossible to unsee it.

Original poster
Thecatsbutler · 15/05/2023 20:35

I will stay.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 15/05/2023 20:43

Do it back to him. When he starts talking about work do exactly the same to him. If he complains, tell him straight that he does it so you will too.

I find that this method usually works.

Original poster
Thecatsbutler · 16/05/2023 06:54

He is not rude or nasty, ever. He doesn't go out his way to make everything about him in a conceited way. He is just uninterested in anything that doesn't involve him directly, like he can't relate, so he has to bring it back to himself. It's tedious and irritating, and like cheinelblanket it makes for a very lonely life. Eldest was telling us about a chemistry experiment they were doing that day and dh went straight to " I use a chemical at work that is blah blah blah ....." End of conversation. Son just rolled his eyes at me. Kids still find it amusing, it's just dad being dad.
I love spending time listening to the kids talk about school, friends etc. I learn so much just listening to them babble on about their lives, I don't understand why dh isn't.
We are discussing potential universities at the moment, (still a couple of years off though) whether kids will stay at home, move away etc. There is a chance they want to go abroad to study. I want to talk about us moving as a family. Huge, Massive life changing decisions? Apparently not for dh. As long as it doesn't " Ruin us" he's OK with whatever 😵‍💫
I'm quite happy to move with the kids and leave him here at the moment.

OP posts:
Devilinthedetail82 · 16/05/2023 06:56

So when you met andYou were dating and in the honeymoon phase… what was he like then?

Devilinthedetail82 · 16/05/2023 06:56

Son just rolled his eyes at me.

that is pretty rude

Achwheesht · 16/05/2023 07:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Thecatsbutler · 16/05/2023 07:21

Oh, I have many a "ffs" conversations in my head🙄but no I very rarely verbalise how frustrating I find his attitude. I think because I know he is not doing it with any malice, it's just who he is. I'm just finding him really annoying at the moment.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2023 07:28

If you can, I'd recommend divorce. It's blooming lovely. He's completely checked out, so what's the point of having him around annoying you.

Original poster
Thecatsbutler · 16/05/2023 07:30

I think like most couples who have been together a long time the honeymoon period has long since run its course. What was once endearing, cute and quirky, soon becomes irritating and annoying 😊

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 16/05/2023 07:32

That sounds so irritating. It's good it's gotten worse over time rather than this bad throughout their whole childhood otherwise it would surely impact the self esteem of the kids to have such a checked out father. I noticed my husband asking me less and less questions and just nodding along whilst phone scrolling or even saying"what does this have to do with me?". When I asked him why he said I know all there is to know about you by now. We are now in couples counseling as I said I thought this was a dangerous attitude!

Ladykryptonite · 16/05/2023 07:40

Devilinthedetail, I oresuming that was the son's way of expressing his frustration at his self obsessed father, who we presume would not have noticed

sunshineandtea · 16/05/2023 08:06

Devilinthedetail82 · 16/05/2023 06:56

Son just rolled his eyes at me.

that is pretty rude

I think it's an entirely appropriate reaction to being talked over, yet again.

Should they all listen in raptures at what DH has to say?

Devilinthedetail82 · 16/05/2023 08:16

sunshineandtea · 16/05/2023 08:06

I think it's an entirely appropriate reaction to being talked over, yet again.

Should they all listen in raptures at what DH has to say?

Show quote history

Yes but if it’s got to the stage where the son feels he can roll his eyes to his mother about his father because once again he’s been dismissed and talked over… then he’s been let down by his mother who should have been advocating for him against this self obsessed twerp many years ago

Devilinthedetail82 · 16/05/2023 08:18

sunshineandtea · 16/05/2023 08:06

I think it's an entirely appropriate reaction to being talked over, yet again.

Should they all listen in raptures at what DH has to say?

Show quote history

And all it’s doing is… squat all.

The son is of an age now where he should be able to say “dad, I was talking, let me finish please”

but instead following the same pattern set by the OP. Passive aggressive frustration

Mandalor · 16/05/2023 08:30

My MIL is like this, as a result we barely see her.

I couldn't imagine being married to someone like it!

PsychoHotSauce · 16/05/2023 08:36

it's just who he is

You mean fundamentally self absorbed? I'm not sure why you think you have to be so accepting of such a deep character flaw Confused and if splitting isn't an option, you don't have to condone it by letting him get away with it. Id be pulling him up every time, "Why do you lose interest as soon as we're not talking about you? it's so unattractive".

You never know, is he's as kind and good as you say, it might snap him out of it unlikely but at the very least I'd be shining a huge great spotlight and shaming him for having his head up his arse, every single time.

Original poster
Thecatsbutler · 16/05/2023 08:41

"Still speaking" "Not finished talking" "Please wait until I'm finished" " Please don't interrupt "and a dozen other words to that effect are used, until the next time. It is incredibly tedious to constantly remind someone of their bad behaviour. So yes, we let it slide, we roll our eyes sometimes 🙄

OP posts:
Devilinthedetail82 · 16/05/2023 08:45

Thecatsbutler · 16/05/2023 08:41

"Still speaking" "Not finished talking" "Please wait until I'm finished" " Please don't interrupt "and a dozen other words to that effect are used, until the next time. It is incredibly tedious to constantly remind someone of their bad behaviour. So yes, we let it slide, we roll our eyes sometimes 🙄

Terrible example to your children.

no one would relentlessly interrupt my children whilst they were talking. I’d be 🤦‍♀️ “enough. I’m listening to DS”. And turn my back on him.

if that went on… then it’s all a bit fucked and I’d lose any respect and therefore love for him… with all the consequences that comes with

Original poster
Thecatsbutler · 16/05/2023 08:49

Devilinthedetail82🙄

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2023 08:58

I know you dismissed my divorce post below, which is absolutely fine, I don't know all your details. But. I think many people just have it in their head of divorce bad/staying together good, and do t entertain the thought.
I attribute the bad choice I made with my first marriage very heavily on the fact that my parents had a shit relationship, and stayed together, and I didn't know anything different, so I ignored many red flags because I thought that was as good as it gets. You might be right that your kids might be happier in childhood if you stay together, but I do think it sets them up for bad choices and thus unhappiness as adults.
Think about what you're modelling as a relationship.

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