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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect ex husband to help me financially??

44 replies

Lucinda86 · 15/05/2023 07:28

Hello everyone. Long story short. My husband and I had been together 10 years, married 7. His infidelity started at the very beginning but because I got pregnant 6 months into the relationship, that would be the start of me just putting up with his bad behaviour. He has cheated on me 12 times (that I know of) - usually sexting, not physical but still just as hurtful.

ive finally plucked up the courage to leave. He has moved out and we have told our kids. However he’s now saying he will pay half the mortgage but nothing else.

I have no idea how this works but currently he pays the full mortgage and gas & electric and I literally pay everything else, food, fuel, phone bills, holidays, all household bills, our car payment, all insurances etc.

my outgoings have always been much higher than his and because he’s been in and out of work for the last 10 years I’ve just accepted that and always paid majority of everything, however if he only pays half the mortgage and nothing else I’m really really going to struggle to make ends meet.

is he required to help me further financially? Or can he get away with just paying half the mortgage and nothing else? (He is currently at his mums but looking for somewhere to live)

thanks in advance

OP posts:
pecantoucan · 15/05/2023 07:30

Are both your names on the mortgage? Are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

HadEnough2023 · 15/05/2023 07:31

Do a CSA calculation.

pecantoucan · 15/05/2023 07:31

Have you calculated what CMS would make him pay for child maintenance?

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 15/05/2023 07:32

Surely it depends on your child arrangements?

a 50:50 child arrangement and he won’t need to pay anything.

the child maintenance payments are based upon the proportion of time spent with the parent (as well as other things).

it sounds like you are referring to spousal maintenance, which I didn’t think was really a thing unless you are very wealthy.

Camillasfagwrinkles · 15/05/2023 07:32

He needs to pay child maintenance and half the mortgage if the house is in both your names. That's it.

Reasonableadjustments · 15/05/2023 07:33

What are your arrangements for the children going to be?

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2023 07:33

With no numbers op we can't possibly know if by paying half the mortgage, he is paying more or less than he should.

Yes, if you're the RP, the NRP has to pay child maintenance. The amount will depend on his salary and how often he has them. Go on the government website to see what he should be paying.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/05/2023 07:36

On divorce you need to get a financial order in place which will detail how the assets will be split. You both have to fill in form E which is a full disclosure form of everything. Then the solicitors decide.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/05/2023 07:36

It’s more usual for them to pay a figure in child maintenance, which can either be set by the CSA or court ordered during your divorce. But a court ordered figure can’t be less than the CSA figure as you’re always entitled to that amount.

They don’t usually pay your mortgage and bills, it’s more typical to have a clean break (save for child maintenance).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/05/2023 07:37

And yes assets will be split during the divorce

Densol57 · 15/05/2023 07:37

Camillasfagwrinkles · 15/05/2023 07:32

He needs to pay child maintenance and half the mortgage if the house is in both your names. That's it.

Not correct. Only a court order can “make” him pay. He has a “contractual” relationship with the bank. If he chooses not to pay, then he can. Wife either pays all or the house is repossessed.
Have you applied for Universal Credit
Do a calculation in “turn to us” or “entitled to”
Any “spousal” maintenance comes off pound for pound for UC so not worth claiming
You need to see a family solicitor who knows all the ins and outs rather than on here tho

TimeSlipMushroom · 15/05/2023 07:37

Inform your bank of any joint accounts that you now need both signatures to remove money

Stop any of your payments/wages into the joint account

Change your council tax to single adult occupancy for 25% reduction

Check any benefits you might get (turn2us, entitled2 websites) and apply asap

He needs to now take over paying for his phone contract and car insurance etc

Book an appointment with a solicitor

Reasonableadjustments · 15/05/2023 07:37

Camillasfagwrinkles · 15/05/2023 07:32

He needs to pay child maintenance and half the mortgage if the house is in both your names. That's it.

Not if the children are 50/50 (in most cases) and even if he pays half the mortgage he could try to get the op to pay occupation rent. It's not as simple as it seems and we don't have enough information from the op

DustyLee123 · 15/05/2023 07:38

What are you going to do if he wants his half out of the house so he can buy one himself ? You need to work out if you can afford to live there.

SpringleDingle · 15/05/2023 07:38

Are you married and divorcing? Who owns the house (are you joint owners)? Who is named on the mortgage (who will get a bad credit rating if it defaults)?

Until you get a financial order he owes you child maintenance which you can pursue via CMS. It would be in the interests of his credit to ensure any bills in his name are paid on time but he can transfer all but the mortgage to your name.

Morally of course he should pay more but that’s hard to enforce!

FarmGirl78 · 15/05/2023 08:10

Camillasfagwrinkles · 15/05/2023 07:32

He needs to pay child maintenance and half the mortgage if the house is in both your names. That's it.

Nope. He only has to pay child maintenance.

While he's responsible for the debt on the mortgage he doesn't have to pay. It just means it'll go on his credit record if it gets repossessed. Its in his best interest to pay, but he doesn't have to.

I'd be very careful if you've been the higher earner, because if he gets a good solicitor in the long term there's a chance a court might have you pay him spousal maintenance, or more likely him being entitled to a share of your pension.

Usernamen · 15/05/2023 09:09

FarmGirl78 · 15/05/2023 08:10

Nope. He only has to pay child maintenance.

While he's responsible for the debt on the mortgage he doesn't have to pay. It just means it'll go on his credit record if it gets repossessed. Its in his best interest to pay, but he doesn't have to.

I'd be very careful if you've been the higher earner, because if he gets a good solicitor in the long term there's a chance a court might have you pay him spousal maintenance, or more likely him being entitled to a share of your pension.

Show quote history

This is just so depressing. A cheating husband is entitled to money from his ex-wife just because she’s had a stable career and he’s been in and out of work.

MN really is an elaborate advert for staying unmarried.

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 15/05/2023 09:17

Why would your ex husband have to support you financially? If the children are split 50/50 on what basis would you expect him to keep paying for his ex-wife?

If he is paying rent to his parents then usually the mortgage + his rent would be taken into account and you each pay 50/50 of the total. Have you been contributing to half his rent while he's been paying half the mortgage? If so, then everything else should be split down the middle too. If he has paid 50% of the mortgage + all his rent and bills etc for himself, then his lawyer could argue he's paying his fair share of the total family outgoings.

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 15/05/2023 09:19

Usernamen · 15/05/2023 09:09

This is just so depressing. A cheating husband is entitled to money from his ex-wife just because she’s had a stable career and he’s been in and out of work.

MN really is an elaborate advert for staying unmarried.

Show quote history

And a cheating wife would be entitled to money from her ex-husband just because he had a stable career and she'd been in and out of work. There is no legal entitlement to financial compensation for being cheated on, as far as I'm aware.

Usernamen · 15/05/2023 09:26

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 15/05/2023 09:19

And a cheating wife would be entitled to money from her ex-husband just because he had a stable career and she'd been in and out of work. There is no legal entitlement to financial compensation for being cheated on, as far as I'm aware.

Show quote history

That’s equally appalling. It’s nothing to do with gender, I should have said “cheating spouse”.

Nordicrain · 15/05/2023 09:30

Unfortunately you don't get money because someone cheated on you. Or otherwise casued the end of the marriage. You ought to see a lawyer and see what you are entitled to (e.g. you might be entitled to some of his savings, pension etc), but equally he might be entitled to some of yours if you are the higher eaner.

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 15/05/2023 09:30

Usernamen · 15/05/2023 09:26

That’s equally appalling. It’s nothing to do with gender, I should have said “cheating spouse”.

Show quote history

Ah I see, in that case I agree with you. If one party is responsible for the marriage breaking down, they should forfeit (all/part) of their claim to financial support.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 15/05/2023 09:32

Claim cms and any relevant benefits. And get job.
Pretty basic stuff ime.

trisfreya · 15/05/2023 09:44

Camillasfagwrinkles · 15/05/2023 07:32

He needs to pay child maintenance and half the mortgage if the house is in both your names. That's it.

He needs to pay child maintenance unless it 50-50 and half the mortgage if he wants to retain equal shares of the equity on split if the house is in both your names.

Floralie · 15/05/2023 09:47

Usernamen · 15/05/2023 09:09

This is just so depressing. A cheating husband is entitled to money from his ex-wife just because she’s had a stable career and he’s been in and out of work.

MN really is an elaborate advert for staying unmarried.

Show quote history

Generally speaking marriage is a bad idea for anyone who earns more than the other person and/or has greater assets than them financially and logistically speaking, the other person benefits far more.