Page 2 | To expect ex husband to help me financially??

Lucinda86 · 2023-05-15T06:28:46+00:00

Hello everyone. Long story short. My husband and I had been together 10 years, married 7. His infidelity started at the very beginning but because I got pregnant 6 months into the relationship, that would be the start of me just putting up with his bad behaviour. He has cheated on me 12 times (that I know of) - usually sexting, not physical but still just as hurtful. ive finally plucked up the courage to leave. He has moved out and we have told our kids. However he’s now saying he will pay half the mortgage but nothing else. I have no idea how this works but currently he pays the full mortgage and gas & electric and I literally pay everything else, food, fuel, phone bills, holidays, all household bills, our car payment, all insurances etc. my outgoings have always been much higher than his and because he’s been in and out of work for the last 10 years I’ve just accepted that and always paid majority of everything, however if he only pays half the mortgage and nothing else I’m really really going to struggle to make ends meet. is he required to help me further financially? Or can he get away with just paying half the mortgage and nothing else? (He is currently at his mums but looking for somewhere to live) thanks in advance

caringcarer · 15/05/2023 10:26

Is he doing 50:50 parenting? If so he won't have to pay CM but neither will you need to pay him CM. If you are doing more parenting, based on the number of nights child sleeping at your house, then he will have to pay you CM for your child. Stop paying any of his bills, phone, car insurance etc. Keep paying any life insurance on his name though so if he died you'd still get the payout. Contact your mortgage provider and let them know. Get a solicitor. They are expensive but it costs more if you don't get one. You will probably have to share pensions. It is hard OP and you will find your standard of living goes down. You will have to pay all gas, electricity, water rates, council tax yourself but make sure you inform council to get 25 percent reduction. You may get some UC help. See if you are eligible. If your ex does do 50:50 coparent make sure he also pays any childcare, clubs on the days he has DC and buys half clothing and school uniform, shoes and coats. Ideally he will buy clothing for DC to wear when she stays with him.

Original poster

Lucinda86 · 16/05/2023 08:01

Hi everyone.

thanks for your replies.

yes both names on mortgage.

he is not paying a penny to his mum to stay there so currently has no outgoings himself.

I have now cancelled any payments I was making for him, except for life insurance.

I get what you’re saying about “you don’t get money just cos he cheated” it’s just frustrating that I’m struggling whilst he is just chilling at his mums and getting everything done for him but that’s life I suppose.

at the moment I have kids every day and he just sees them now and again but once he has his own place I’m hoping it will be 50-50

OP posts:

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 16/05/2023 08:04

Why can't it be 50/50 at his mums?

Are you going to sell the house and split the equity?

Have you had financial advice?

Antisocialfluffmonster · 16/05/2023 08:07

Usernamen · 15/05/2023 09:26

That’s equally appalling. It’s nothing to do with gender, I should have said “cheating spouse”.

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This…. I’ve never in my life been tempted to get married, also late teens studying medieval literature, it’s a contract, that somehow we as a society pretend is about love. But it’s a contract. Not that you can’t get into hot water living together for a long time, but it’s actually disgusting that you can work hard and support someone who doesn’t bother themselves then you pay them again for the privileged.

honestly it’s disgusting

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/05/2023 08:08

Put in a CMS claim today based on how many overnights he has the kids (so zero).

Then, separately to this, work out what to do with the house. You can get legal advice that either you remain in the home with the children til they are 18 but fully at your own cost, with a cap on how much he gets when it is then sold. Or, simpler, you sell asap and split the equity and each find your own separate homes.

Biscuitandacuppa · 16/05/2023 08:10

If the contact arrangements will be 50:50 then you won’t get any CM from him and he is under no obligation to pay half of the mortgage. He may want you to release half of the equity from the property so you really need to look at what benefits you maybe entitled to and whether you can afford to stay in the house or would be better selling up and buying something smaller or renting.

Have you spoken to a solicitor?

Loverofoxbowlakes · 16/05/2023 08:10

Camillasfagwrinkles · 15/05/2023 07:32

He needs to pay child maintenance and half the mortgage if the house is in both your names. That's it.

No, he only needs to pay cms.

Original poster

Lucinda86 · 16/05/2023 08:27

We haven’t seen a solicitor yet, no. We only split up 2 weeks ago and to be honest I’ve just been feeling really overwhelmed by it all :( I guess this is why I put up with his bad behaviour for so long because it somehow seemed easier.

ideally I want to stay in this house if I can. It’s just by my children’s school and my mum lives just behind me, I don’t want too much upheaval for the kids.

i think I’ll get some financial advice and go from there.

thank you everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucinda86 · 16/05/2023 08:29

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 16/05/2023 08:04

Why can't it be 50/50 at his mums?

Are you going to sell the house and split the equity?

Have you had financial advice?

He says it’s too hectic at his mums to also have the kids there… at the moment his mum has them every Friday night (always has done) and then he’s just done the odd school run and took them out for tea last weekend but that’s it at the moment.

OP posts:

CampsieGlamper · 16/05/2023 08:38

Usernamen · 15/05/2023 09:09

This is just so depressing. A cheating husband is entitled to money from his ex-wife just because she’s had a stable career and he’s been in and out of work.

MN really is an elaborate advert for staying unmarried.

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Should apportionment of liabilities and maintenance be done on a "morality " basis? Should a man who cheats on a doting wife be "made" to pay more than a man who mutually agreed to split because there is no compatibility?

Deathbyfluffy · 16/05/2023 08:44

Lucinda86 · 16/05/2023 08:27

We haven’t seen a solicitor yet, no. We only split up 2 weeks ago and to be honest I’ve just been feeling really overwhelmed by it all :( I guess this is why I put up with his bad behaviour for so long because it somehow seemed easier.

ideally I want to stay in this house if I can. It’s just by my children’s school and my mum lives just behind me, I don’t want too much upheaval for the kids.

i think I’ll get some financial advice and go from there.

thank you everyone.

With all due respect, you can’t expect him to pay the full mortgage and bills on top - he’s probably saving up a deposit to rent or start all over again whereas you’re in a house with the mortgage being paid for in full.

Unfortunately you’ll just have to cut your cloth accordingly; see a solicitor but without knowing numbers it’s impossible for anyone to guess as to the outcome.
He should be paying some child support now, but if you go 50/50 then he won’t need to as he’s doing half the childcare.
I’m not sure who’s the higher earner (apologies if it was mentioned) but there’s a chance the lower earner will be able to claim spousal maintenance as part of the divorce - so factor that in too.

Usernamen · 16/05/2023 10:00

CampsieGlamper · 16/05/2023 08:38

Should apportionment of liabilities and maintenance be done on a "morality " basis? Should a man who cheats on a doting wife be "made" to pay more than a man who mutually agreed to split because there is no compatibility?

Show quote history

You misunderstand me. I wasn’t saying that a cheating spouse should be made to pay more to an ex-spouse, but that the thought of having to pay money to an ex-spouse who has cheated on you is utterly depressing.

As someone said upthread, marriage is a terrible idea for the higher earner. They don’t benefit financially, they’re just set to lose out further down the line.

maddening · 16/05/2023 10:06

I would go for a clean break divorce, completely separate the house /assets etc and set a child maintenance agreement for going forward. It might mean selling and dividing assets but getting rid will mean he has no power and also no claim on anything in the future.

Hont1986 · 16/05/2023 11:48

Should apportionment of liabilities and maintenance be done on a "morality " basis? Should a man who cheats on a doting wife be "made" to pay more than a man who mutually agreed to split because there is no compatibility?

Yes. Marriage is a collection of vows. If you are the one breaking the vows, I don't think it would be unfair to be punished for it.

If it makes you uncomfortable to call it morality, call it legality instead. Marriage is a contract. If you are the one to break the contract, it's perfectly acceptable, even expected, that you are the side that gets punished.

Reasonableadjustments · 16/05/2023 12:51

Hont1986 · 16/05/2023 11:48

Should apportionment of liabilities and maintenance be done on a "morality " basis? Should a man who cheats on a doting wife be "made" to pay more than a man who mutually agreed to split because there is no compatibility?

Yes. Marriage is a collection of vows. If you are the one breaking the vows, I don't think it would be unfair to be punished for it.

If it makes you uncomfortable to call it morality, call it legality instead. Marriage is a contract. If you are the one to break the contract, it's perfectly acceptable, even expected, that you are the side that gets punished.

How would that work with no fault divorce ?

Hont1986 · 16/05/2023 15:11

It wouldn't, a no-fault divorce system is preferable because it is faster, simpler, and less acrimonious. But that wasn't the question. I can think that and still believe it would be morally right for a cheater to be entitled to less than a blameless spouse.

Reasonableadjustments · 16/05/2023 17:58

Hont1986 · 16/05/2023 15:11

It wouldn't, a no-fault divorce system is preferable because it is faster, simpler, and less acrimonious. But that wasn't the question. I can think that and still believe it would be morally right for a cheater to be entitled to less than a blameless spouse.

Where do you draw the line? Separated but not yet divorced? Separated and living in the same house? Exit affair when other partner is abusive?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 16/05/2023 18:04

First things first op

Get an email plan regarding the kids going to him as of now so that you can put In a Xmas claim asap

Doesn't matter if it's 50/50 once he gets his own place.

He's still
Financially responsible for them alongside yourself until he's doing half the parenting.

Make a list of things to sort and try and don one thing a day so your making headway.

Have you been into entitled to yet to see if you can get any help with universal credit?

Make that the first job and submit a claim as it can take a few weeks to sort and then the cms straight after.

You need to cover yourself now and not rely on him to even dither

doozledog · 16/05/2023 19:06

Morally he should pay half maintenance and cms, but that rarely happens unless you've got a decent ex. I pay his half of the mortgage with the maintenance because his name is still on the mortgage for now.

Put a claim in for universal asap doesn't take long online.

Tell coucil they will reduce the rate