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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad's reaction to my Wedding

49 replies

Polly345 · 15/05/2023 03:40

I recently got married. (Second wedding after being together for a number of years.)
My Dad and his wife did not attend the wedding because she had a hospital appointment. Although I was disappointed, I respected his decision and did not even tell him I was disappointed.
I am disappointed though in the way he has hardly mentioned the Wedding apart from very generic 'all the best' type comments and his insistence on photos. It would have been so lovely if he had said something like how pleased he was for us or how happy we looked.
Instead his reaction seemed very forced and emotionless. I understand he is worried about his wife but I feel very disappointed in his reaction.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 15/05/2023 04:19

Yanbu...it is hurtful. Is it a major health scare like cancer though?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2023 05:09

Yanbu to be upset he cannot be there emotionally for you just a few minutes. He sounds concerned perhaps and unable to detach from his feelings for his wife as I take it this is a serious medical issue.

Perhaps he is upset that you aren’t there for him? I’m not saying he’s doing tit for tat. Rather that you both are wrapped up in your own personal emotions and not meeting each other’s needs. Or are you not close in this way?

DollyParkin · 15/05/2023 06:07

Very typical of men’s tendency for dissociation from their families sadly, especially when they’ve “moved on” from the marriage which produced that family. This culture raises a considerable proportion of men who are emotionally incompetent.

RedHelenB · 15/05/2023 07:07

Friends enough, 2nd marriage and you're already living together. He's asked to see photos so he's not disinterested. You seem a bit needy, given he's got a health scare going on with his wife

Vallmo47 · 15/05/2023 07:11

I understand OP, I recently got married with only my dad representing my entire side of the family. It was difficult when people commented on no one coming through for me, but it is what it is. I respected it would be difficult for people to come due to work and cost etc, but it did sting when my brother then booked time off for another overseas holiday for two weeks after. Absolutely normal for you to feel disappointed, you are not being needy by wishing for your father to be there on your special day.

Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 07:55

RedHelenB · 15/05/2023 07:07

Friends enough, 2nd marriage and you're already living together. He's asked to see photos so he's not disinterested. You seem a bit needy, given he's got a health scare going on with his wife

Just to say, I have asked numerous amounts of times about his wife but it never seems enough for them.
I also had a cancer scare a couple of years ago and he just brushed it away as if it were nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 08:06

It's not a case of being needy.
Just disappointed that all his comments were demands for photos and criticism because I didn't have a video.
I think he was disappointed because I was fine and understanding about his choice not to go to the wedding and also because I have shown concern for his wife.
He has never forgiven me because I was seriously ill on the day of their wedding. My now husband contacted him and told him I was devastated and how ill I was and there was no reaction.
It's not about the fact they didn't go to mine but a tiny bit of warmth would have gone a long way.
Yes, it might look like needy but when he said 'You are married now. Back to the grim reality of life' - this should have shown me his true opinion.
We have been shown so much love from people around us, that this makes his reaction all the harder to understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 08:08

What does friends enough mean?
And why does a second marriage not count?

OP posts:
AssertiveGertrude · 15/05/2023 08:12

Even if it was a major scare health wise for his wife - your his flesh and blood (old fashioned I may be)

I would actually reduce contact majorly

harriethoyle · 15/05/2023 08:49

I think if you didn't attend their wedding because of ill health, which sounds quite last minute if your DH told them, there's probably residual hurt from that. Coupled with his wife's poor health, which sounds quite serious, it's not that surprising he's not very invested.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/05/2023 08:49

Did you miss his wedding or go along sick? Surely if you missed his wedding you understand things happen. I was totally feeling sorry for you until that part..am l taking it up wrong?

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/05/2023 08:54

Second marriages are less special.
Plus he has his mind on other things
And mostly: you skipped their wedding

Sorry. I dont care how sick you are. Youd go. Unless you didnt like the new wife to be

harriethoyle · 15/05/2023 08:55

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/05/2023 08:54

Second marriages are less special.
Plus he has his mind on other things
And mostly: you skipped their wedding

Sorry. I dont care how sick you are. Youd go. Unless you didnt like the new wife to be

They really aren't. What an absurd generalisation 🙄

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/05/2023 09:06

"Sorry. I dont care how sick you are. Youd go. Unless you didnt like the new wife to be"

Depends what type of sick and how severe surely? I wouldnt like to sit next to someone at a wedding with a high temp and shakes from the flu or being sick every so often and I wouldnt have wanted someone that ill at my wedding potentially infecting other guests...

pecantoucan · 15/05/2023 09:13

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/05/2023 08:54

Second marriages are less special.
Plus he has his mind on other things
And mostly: you skipped their wedding

Sorry. I dont care how sick you are. Youd go. Unless you didnt like the new wife to be

They aren't! Thays ridiculous. It's not a second wedding anyway it's a wedding to their current spouse so far more important than the first one which clearly didn't work. Death is different but divorce basically makes the first wedding pointless apart from obviously the all important legal and financial ramifications.

Anyhow.

I'd try to just let it go OP your dad doesn't care :(

ImAvingOops · 15/05/2023 09:52

"Sorry. I dont care how sick you are. Youd go."

This is total bollocks. No one should be going to a wedding if they are properly ill - it's selfish and irresponsible to the other guests if you have something contagious. And it's entirely possible that the OP had something extremely debilitating, if she was missing her own dad's wedding.

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like a mean, petty person. Your own dad shouldn't have held it against you for being ill. It's hard but you need to stop seeking his approval and focus on your own life, just as he is.

JulieHoney · 15/05/2023 10:02

pecantoucan · 15/05/2023 09:13

They aren't! Thays ridiculous. It's not a second wedding anyway it's a wedding to their current spouse so far more important than the first one which clearly didn't work. Death is different but divorce basically makes the first wedding pointless apart from obviously the all important legal and financial ramifications.

Anyhow.

I'd try to just let it go OP your dad doesn't care :(

Show quote history

Oh come on - the first (and expected to be only) wedding of a young couple is a world away from a second wedding of adults in their 30s or 40s.

It doesn't mean it's not important to couple concerned, but it isn't the same magnitude to others.
Like children - with my first, I couldn't move for flowers and cards from all and sundry; with my third just a few. That doesn't mean my youngest is less important to me than my oldest, just that First Time Parent With Newborn was more significant to other people than Yep, She's Had Another Baby.

Let's not be disengenuous about the significance of these things.

(Congratulations, OP, and I hope you had a lovely day)

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/05/2023 10:45

I think unfortunately you have to accept OP that his response is 'no reaction'. Maybe he feels uncomfortable having a reaction; maybe he doesn't care at all. Only you can know that.

But YANBU to be upset by it.

VainAbigail · 15/05/2023 10:50

Second wedding after being together for a number of years

So was this some kind of vow renewal?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 15/05/2023 10:56

@Polly345 "He has never forgiven me because I was seriously ill on the day of their wedding. My now husband contacted him and told him I was devastated and how ill I was and there was no reaction."
Say no more, as Monty Python used to remark. Don't look any further than that for a reason.
Congratulations on your wedding! Flowers Many years, as they say in Greece!

UndercoverCop · 15/05/2023 10:56

Was this your second marriage to a second husband or your second wedding as one couple, same bridge and groom, it's not clear.

Ktime · 15/05/2023 11:05

Polly345 · 15/05/2023 08:06

It's not a case of being needy.
Just disappointed that all his comments were demands for photos and criticism because I didn't have a video.
I think he was disappointed because I was fine and understanding about his choice not to go to the wedding and also because I have shown concern for his wife.
He has never forgiven me because I was seriously ill on the day of their wedding. My now husband contacted him and told him I was devastated and how ill I was and there was no reaction.
It's not about the fact they didn't go to mine but a tiny bit of warmth would have gone a long way.
Yes, it might look like needy but when he said 'You are married now. Back to the grim reality of life' - this should have shown me his true opinion.
We have been shown so much love from people around us, that this makes his reaction all the harder to understand.

He sounds awful. He didn't even care that you were sick.

Maybe there wasn't even a hospital appt and he didn't attend out of revenge?

Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 11:48

I missed his wedding because I had a severe stomach bug.
I couldn't even take a teaspoon of water without violent diarrhoea.
As soon as I took unwell I told them. My DH contacted them to explain as he knew how upset I was. I was desperate to go but was physically unable to leave the house
It was a second wedding to a different husband. We had been together for a long time and at first I was upset by people's comments about why we were bothering to get married but I'm just letting these sad comments pass me by now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 11:51

Also I had flu in the days before his stepsons wedding but felt sufficiently recovered to attend but was told under no circumstances should I go in case I might be infectious which I accepted

OP posts:
SpeckledlyHen · 15/05/2023 11:52

VainAbigail · 15/05/2023 10:50

Second wedding after being together for a number of years

So was this some kind of vow renewal?

No. She had been with her partner for a number of years and they got married. This is second wedding/husband as she had been married previously.

That's how it reads to me anyhow.