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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad's reaction to my Wedding

49 replies

Polly345 · 15/05/2023 03:40

I recently got married. (Second wedding after being together for a number of years.)
My Dad and his wife did not attend the wedding because she had a hospital appointment. Although I was disappointed, I respected his decision and did not even tell him I was disappointed.
I am disappointed though in the way he has hardly mentioned the Wedding apart from very generic 'all the best' type comments and his insistence on photos. It would have been so lovely if he had said something like how pleased he was for us or how happy we looked.
Instead his reaction seemed very forced and emotionless. I understand he is worried about his wife but I feel very disappointed in his reaction.

OP posts:
SaladRooney · 15/05/2023 11:55

Polly345 · 15/05/2023 11:48

I missed his wedding because I had a severe stomach bug.
I couldn't even take a teaspoon of water without violent diarrhoea.
As soon as I took unwell I told them. My DH contacted them to explain as he knew how upset I was. I was desperate to go but was physically unable to leave the house
It was a second wedding to a different husband. We had been together for a long time and at first I was upset by people's comments about why we were bothering to get married but I'm just letting these sad comments pass me by now.

It sounds to me as if you have a slight complex about your second wedding being generally seen as 'less special', and are laying a lot of stress on your father's reaction to it as a consequence, when in fact he's not the only one who hasn't responded as you would have liked.

I think you need to recognise that, regardless of your own feelings about this wedding, it's not a particularly unusual response to treat a second wedding in the context of a long, existing relationship as life as usual.

MrsDoylesDoily · 15/05/2023 11:58

I recently got married. (Second wedding after being together for a number of years.)

How many years?

Gigglemous · 15/05/2023 12:02

So you missed his wedding because you were ill and then missed his step sons wedding because you were post-flu

Regardless of how ill you were both times, it's gonna have stuck with him that you've not been there for a big life event in his life and a big life event in his wife's life too.

Yanbu for feeling this way. But when you missed both those weddings, did you 'make up for it' after? Show tonnes of interest, have your dad and step mum round for a big dinner to celebrate or at least take them out? I feel this may be a cause.

Gigglemous · 15/05/2023 12:04

Just to add. See it from his point of view. He has these big events involving his new side of the family with his wife, but you're not there. It's probably other people's comments on your lack of attendance that's affected him more than anything.
Its not your fault for being unwell. But he's clearly still not over it

Thesharkradar · 15/05/2023 12:08

Polly345 · 15/05/2023 07:55

Just to say, I have asked numerous amounts of times about his wife but it never seems enough for them.
I also had a cancer scare a couple of years ago and he just brushed it away as if it were nothing.

Show quote history

Then you should do the same to him, brush him away as if he were nothing. Treat him as he treats you, move on with your life, erase him from it

Comedycook · 15/05/2023 12:15

I think that's absolutely terrible op. If I'd been the wife I'd have insisted he attended his childs wedding and gone to my appointment alone. Also commenting stuff like "all the best" is like something you'd say if a colleague you weren't close to got married

PinkyFlamingo · 15/05/2023 12:15

RedHelenB · 15/05/2023 07:07

Friends enough, 2nd marriage and you're already living together. He's asked to see photos so he's not disinterested. You seem a bit needy, given he's got a health scare going on with his wife

What rubbish. It's not "needy" to be upset your own parent didn't come to your wedding. No wonder so many people have difficulties with their emotions.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/05/2023 12:26

You had a bad stomach bug, not severely ill. Fair enough you had to miss his wedding but you could have told him yourself not got your DH to do it. You then missed his stepson wedding because you were ill. Surely you can see why he needs to be with his wife if she has a medical issue going on. He wished you all the best and asked to see photos and expressed disappointment that you had no video recording for him to watch. I think you are being a little bit unreasonable

Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 12:32

Comedycook · 15/05/2023 12:15

I think that's absolutely terrible op. If I'd been the wife I'd have insisted he attended his childs wedding and gone to my appointment alone. Also commenting stuff like "all the best" is like something you'd say if a colleague you weren't close to got married

Thank you 😊
That's my point exactly!! I wasn't expecting the fuss that some people seem to think but a text with 'I'm so pleased for you! Or it's lovely to see you so happy.
I had hoped he would phone but so I phoned him to get asked Why are you phoning?
(For context they knew over a month before the wedding that the appointment was coming up and their original plan was to wait until a couple of days before which would have been much harder to deal with.)

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 15/05/2023 12:37

There are loads of times i wish people would be more forthcoming and enthusiastic about things like I am. However ive had to realise to accept people are the way they are otherwise it drives you crackers.

Ilovecleaning · 15/05/2023 12:39

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/05/2023 08:54

Second marriages are less special.
Plus he has his mind on other things
And mostly: you skipped their wedding

Sorry. I dont care how sick you are. Youd go. Unless you didnt like the new wife to be

What a daft comment. How can you go to a wedding ‘no matter how sick you are’? Have you ever had a bad dose of flu? You can’t get out of bed. Or gastro enteritis? Totally debilitating.

dancerdog · 15/05/2023 12:55

@SparklyBlackKitten So if second marriages are less special, assuming OP's father is on at least his second wedding too, it wasn't special either.

diddl · 15/05/2023 12:59

My first husband cheated soon into the marriage.

I hope people didn't think my 2nd was less special.

We have had kids & been together 30yrs, married nearly 28.

First marriage for my husband.

StarbucksKaren · 15/05/2023 13:06

I think it’s really hurtful. It doesn’t take much to mark the milestones of our children at whatever stage of life they’re at. My DF is the same so I’m used to it but it does bother me more than I tend to admit

SchoolTripDrama · 15/05/2023 13:16

RedHelenB · 15/05/2023 07:07

Friends enough, 2nd marriage and you're already living together. He's asked to see photos so he's not disinterested. You seem a bit needy, given he's got a health scare going on with his wife

Of course they live together when they're married! Wtf?!

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2023 13:20

Is he generally expressive of his emotions? It's hard to say without knowing the people involved really, but something about wanting him to say something specific like "it's nice to see you happy" feels like it could be nitpicking - perhaps this is just not how he talks. It's not inherently better than "all the best", it might just be closed to what YOU would say.

It sounds like, knowing him, you feel like this was a deliberate snub due to you missing his wedding, in which case yes YANBU.

But at the same time, if his wife's hospital appointment is over something serious like a cancer scare then I think YABU to expect him to focus on anything else to any significant degree.

It's a funny one, there's a lot going on and whether it's reasonable or not really depends on why he said what he said, and on whether that was out of character for him.

SchoolTripDrama · 15/05/2023 13:23

@Polly345 OP you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable, your Dad was childish & cruel. Please ignore the sanctimonious bullying on this thread. Trust me, there are hundreds of people reading this thread with the same viewpoint as you (& I) on this, don't worry.

I would tell your Dad how you feel. I wouldn't expect much of a meaningful response but just the process of telling him will help to bring you closure. Then keep him at arm's length

Congratulations by the way 💐

Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 13:35

PinkyFlamingo · 15/05/2023 12:15

What rubbish. It's not "needy" to be upset your own parent didn't come to your wedding. No wonder so many people have difficulties with their emotions.

Show quote history

I did tell him myself.
My DH only messaged him to make sure he realised how seriously ill I was

OP posts:
WoolyMammoth55 · 15/05/2023 13:41

OP, I mean this with kindness but - if you're old enough to be getting married for the 2nd time then you're old enough to have a happy life without your father's attention and/or approval.

If he's going to step up and be happy for you then that's great. If he's going to be withholding and emotionally stunted then you shrug your shoulders and move on.

I've been NC with my own father since my 20s because of his emotional dysfunction and bullying nature. My life continues to be rich and love-filled and he rarely crosses my mind.

You can't change him but you can change how much his behaviour affects you. YABU.

Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 19:21

Gigglemous · 15/05/2023 12:02

So you missed his wedding because you were ill and then missed his step sons wedding because you were post-flu

Regardless of how ill you were both times, it's gonna have stuck with him that you've not been there for a big life event in his life and a big life event in his wife's life too.

Yanbu for feeling this way. But when you missed both those weddings, did you 'make up for it' after? Show tonnes of interest, have your dad and step mum round for a big dinner to celebrate or at least take them out? I feel this may be a cause.

I had every intention to go to his step sons wedding.
(Beside the point but the marriage lasted just a year)

OP posts:
Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 15/05/2023 19:25

Sounds like he missed yours as you missed his and stepsons. Tit for tat…

Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 19:38

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 15/05/2023 19:25

Sounds like he missed yours as you missed his and stepsons. Tit for tat…

He told me on no uncertain terms not to go to his stepsons wedding.
I should have known he would not even be considering my feelings when he didn't invite my partner or son to their wedding. In some ways that was more hurtful.
Never mind, thank you to everyone who has replied. It's been interesting to get some differing opinions.
I was shown some photos today that were taken when I wasn't looking and I can't remember seeing myself looking so happy in a photo in a long, long time.
As one of the guests said, the wedding was full of love and happiness and if my dad chose not to acknowledge that I should accept it because the love for us both was very evident.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 15/05/2023 20:03

🍷 to you @Polly345. 🌹

Original poster
Polly345 · 15/05/2023 20:41

Newestname002 · 15/05/2023 20:03

🍷 to you @Polly345. 🌹

Thank you xx

OP posts:
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