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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave care job because of sexual harassment

47 replies

Desiigner · 14/05/2023 23:26

I work in a residential care home where there is a high level of dementia.
I really enjoy the role even though it's hard work, but I am finding the constant sexual harassment tough, even though I know it is because of their dementia/Alzheimer's.

I can think of at least 5 males who harass me on nearly a daily basis. The males are all over 65, I've had one tell me he wants to f* me, and when changing him he's groped me twice. Another one asks me to take my clothes off and makes comments like 'If I could get my hands on you', and says 'just kiss me now '

One who has capacity so doesn't have that excuse. He says I've got a 'hot body' and makes comments about how 'me and him were at it last night, how he's 'keeping his bed warm for me'.

I've had one yesterday hold my hand which I allowed as I thought it was for comfort, then I quickly pulled it away when I realised he was putting my hand onto his private parts. Today he told me he'd like to 'slap my arse'.

Two males there believe I'm their girlfriend, so it's not harassment as such but because of their dementia they believe we're in a relationship.

I report everything, but it's just seen as part of having dementia. And I am not blaming these residents as I know this isn't them, it's their illness.
If this were men in every day life it would be different, but because they have dementia I react differently.
However I'm starting to feel really embarrassed at work and it's getting me down. It happens to others sometimes too, I feel like I need to just deal with it as part of being a carer but I am finding it tough.
What would you do about this?

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 14/05/2023 23:36

What do management/seniors say? Can there be 2 staff doing personal care for these men so you don't have to be alone?

It's such a horrible disease but you also need to be able to do your job without feeling embarrassed or vulnerable.

Temporaryanonymity · 14/05/2023 23:38

Speak to your manager and ask for advice.

AmeliaWarnerBros · 14/05/2023 23:41

F that for a laugh. When I worked as a carer I had that, & it made me v uncomfortable as well. Not their fault as you know, but it's unpleasant behaviour to deal with or dread.

You just have to continue politely declining/make a joke of it- "Leonard, you know my husband wouldn't like this" etc, or distract them. Failing that, I'd leave (I did) & work domiciliary jobs with ladies or do relief/respite work with ladies (both of which I did before I burned out & went to work in property instead!).

Original poster
Desiigner · 14/05/2023 23:42

I am the senior, and it depends on staffing numbers really, sometimes there is only one of us to attend to them. It is a very cruel disease indeed.
I will speak to them tomorrow.

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 14/05/2023 23:42

YANBU

Of course you wouldn’t be unreasonable to leave any job you are unhappy in x I guess these residents should be ideally tended to by males but there aren’t many of them in care

Original poster
Desiigner · 14/05/2023 23:43

You're right, I'll try that. I'll have to have a think about my future there really if not..

OP posts:
Original poster
Desiigner · 14/05/2023 23:44

Yeah sadly, our home is 90% women, like many homes.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 14/05/2023 23:54

OP, you are right to be distressed.

Is it only the men who tend to regress in this way and not women?

If most care homes are staffed by 90% women, wouldn't this be a common problem?

stbrandonsboat · 15/05/2023 00:39

When we had this problem we'd get the older, sterner carers to see to them. They don't tend to try it on with the more matronly types and we could handle it more easily.

Original poster
Desiigner · 15/05/2023 08:10

I haven't seen the women in our home act like this towards male carers of any age. Sadly yes they will do it to me because I am younger. We do have a couple of older staff but depends on availability and staffing numbers etc.

OP posts:
cosmiccosmos · 15/05/2023 08:42

I bet women dont do this to make carers. If they don't do it to 'matronly' types then they can control it so is it actually linked to dementia. I would never put up with this, they clearly know what they are doing, they need to be told to stop or asked to leave.

x2boys · 15/05/2023 08:47

blueshoes · 14/05/2023 23:54

OP, you are right to be distressed.

Is it only the men who tend to regress in this way and not women?

If most care homes are staffed by 90% women, wouldn't this be a common problem?

No women can also become extremely uninhibited too,unfortunately it's can be part and parcel of certain toes of dementia ,I worked in both Aute mrntsl.health and Dementia care when I was a mental health nurse
of course the Op,has every right to feel,distressed by it though.

x2boys · 15/05/2023 08:48

cosmiccosmos · 15/05/2023 08:42

I bet women dont do this to make carers. If they don't do it to 'matronly' types then they can control it so is it actually linked to dementia. I would never put up with this, they clearly know what they are doing, they need to be told to stop or asked to leave.

Some do!🙄

x2boys · 15/05/2023 08:51

cosmiccosmos · 15/05/2023 08:42

I bet women dont do this to make carers. If they don't do it to 'matronly' types then they can control it so is it actually linked to dementia. I would never put up with this, they clearly know what they are doing, they need to be told to stop or asked to leave.

Asked to leave ?
to where exactly?Obviously the Op doesn't have to work in this environment but I don't think you know anything about dementia ,there are many different types and some absolutely can make people lose all here inhibitions it's a very cruel.disease .

Alargeoneplease89 · 15/05/2023 09:00

I think you should move away from dementia. I done neurological care when I was 18 and this is normal. I was a shy girl and just put it down to them being unwell.

Just change the subject or turn it into humour, you need to be thick skinned in care.

Being verbally and physically abused unfortunately is part of the job

BadNomad · 15/05/2023 10:20

It is an awful experience, no matter what the cause. There really should be two carers attending to patients/residents with a history of inappropriate behaviour. It is a safety issue.

Original poster
Desiigner · 15/05/2023 10:33

I feel bad because some people on here seem to think I need to just get over it and accept it

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 15/05/2023 10:37

I don't think you should accept it

If you're the senior I'd assign only male carers to deal with them

I could not accept this on a daily basis Flowers

SpringBunnies · 15/05/2023 10:41

I couldn't accept this but at the same time it sounds like it's normal behaviour of some types of dementia. I think it's time to think what else you would want to do instead.

ChristmasFluff · 15/05/2023 10:43

There are things you can do to 'cue' that you are not sexually available to try to prevent it, and where someone is sexually harrassing staff this needs to be put in place as part of a behaviour management program.

Do you have uniforms? If not, it might be an idea to suggest it, as this amount of sexual harrassment is not normal in dementia care homes, even with younger staff members. Although a lack of behaviour management program may also explain this.

Behaviour management may include things like always referring to these men, and yourself, by surname - 'Good morning, Mr Jones'. My name is Ms Smith and I will be getting you up today.' Being brisk, no-nonsense and acting with authority

You may want to look at something like NAPPI to enable you to escape if the hold you, and to push away unwanted hands effectively.

Ultimately, these men may need two people to deal with them at all times, and it is on management to ensure this happens.

Verbal, physical and sexual abuse is NOT a part of working in care, and it is a sign of inadequate management if it is. In that case, report your residence to the CQC - an inspection should focus the minds of senior management.

Alargeoneplease89 · 15/05/2023 10:45

Desiigner · 15/05/2023 10:33

I feel bad because some people on here seem to think I need to just get over it and accept it

Seriously these people have dementia, they forget the event not long after. If you are unhappy with it, you need to look at other sectors of care.

I just can't comprehend what you want to be done, working with another person won't make a difference. Like I said I was a timid 18 year old and when this happened to me, it didn't matter if I was in a room full of people or in private.

It's the equivalent of being sworn at by someone with Tourettes, they can't help it.

Thelnebriati · 15/05/2023 10:55

If the care home aren't taking steps to protect staff, are the female residents safe?

BadNomad · 15/05/2023 11:03

I feel bad because some people on here seem to think I need to just get over it and accept it

No. You don't. Even if there isn't anything that can be done, you don't have to "get over" feeling violated. It is horrible and degrading. I used to work in the community where this happens a lot there too. Logically you know they can't help it, but it doesn't change how it feels to you to be touched and spoken to like that.

Original poster
Desiigner · 15/05/2023 11:07

Thanks everyone for your support. I will try the techniques people have suggested here. Sadly we don't have males on every shift but I will speak to management today and see what they suggest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desiigner · 15/05/2023 11:08

We do wear uniform, I do think behaviour management training could be an idea. It is interesting why they don't do it to the 'matronly' ladies.

OP posts: