To leave care job because of sexual harassment

[Desiigner]

I work in a residential care home where there is a high level of dementia.
I really enjoy the role even though it's hard work, but I am finding the constant sexual harassment tough, even though I know it is because of their dementia/Alzheimer's.

I can think of at least 5 males who harass me on nearly a daily basis. The males are all over 65, I've had one tell me he wants to f* me, and when changing him he's groped me twice. Another one asks me to take my clothes off and makes comments like 'If I could get my hands on you', and says 'just kiss me now '

One who has capacity so doesn't have that excuse. He says I've got a 'hot body' and makes comments about how 'me and him were at it last night, how he's 'keeping his bed warm for me'.

I've had one yesterday hold my hand which I allowed as I thought it was for comfort, then I quickly pulled it away when I realised he was putting my hand onto his private parts. Today he told me he'd like to 'slap my arse'.

Two males there believe I'm their girlfriend, so it's not harassment as such but because of their dementia they believe we're in a relationship.

I report everything, but it's just seen as part of having dementia. And I am not blaming these residents as I know this isn't them, it's their illness.
If this were men in every day life it would be different, but because they have dementia I react differently.
However I'm starting to feel really embarrassed at work and it's getting me down. It happens to others sometimes too, I feel like I need to just deal with it as part of being a carer but I am finding it tough.
What would you do about this?

YANBU at all, imo. I could never work in care, especially dementia care, and I take my hat off to those who do.

I have a friend who works in a dementia care home. She's been punched, groped, bitten, had her pulled, been spat at and had shit thrown at her. She works long and unsocial hours, doing work that is physically and emotionally demanding. They have a high staff turnover, and she's constantly having to help train new staff on top of doing her actual work, and gets nothing extra for doing it. And she gets paid about 80p an hour above NMW.

I wouldn't do her job for £50ph, never mind £11.40. Thank god not everyone's like me, or care homes would have to shut

I don't think it's a case of just ignoring it, but I think the adjustments that can be made are by staff/ managers, and not by the people living there.
If, after speaking to managers and seeing whether you can reframe in your mind how this effects you , you still feel that this behaviour is not something you can cope with, then maybe it's best to look at a change of career.

These people need care and most would be mortified at how they have become. It's not just men that display unwanted sexual behaviours due to cognitive impairment but women tend to expose themselves more rather than make advances.

No you shouldn't put up with it. If I'm honest if you go in with a wash with an older care assistant they often do receive similar comments but are incredibly quick at shutting it down. They have been in the game too long to tolerate it and make it clear its inappropriate. Often if there is someone known to make sexual comments an older care worker will elect to take them as they can shut it down easier. I'm a nurse and if I have this issue I'll jump in and do the wash rather than having a young auxiliary having to listen to it.

Personal care is incredibly intimate however you can make sure they are doing as much as possible for themselves to put a barrier up. This protects you from the men who have capacity but are inappropriate, I took over from a young beautiful nurse who had been asked by a pt to put cream on the skin between his legs. The skin was damaged so she felt like she had to but he was absolutely perfectly capable of completing the task himself.

Definitely speak to your manager or colleagues and see what they are doing to stop this. Make sure there is nothing between you and thr door and never turn your back to them. If you don't feel safe make sure that it's 2 carers at all times.

An aggressive patient should be given the appropriate medication to calm them down.
I wouldn’t work in a care home either.

Indeed it is incredibly sad for them. I'm sure they would feel mortified. The women in our home display different behaviours, such as urinating/defecating on the floor, taking clothes off in the dining room, and so on.

It is not acceptable OP, and it has been a problem for a long time. Female patients are also often abused/assaulted.
In a world so fucked up that I have heard men argue that female carers should arrange prostitutes for disabled men I have no idea how can you get this stopped. I would openly discuss with colleagues.
The phrase "dirty old man" was prevalent in the 70, 80s and 90s for a reason.

I've cared for two particular women who had very large amounts of sedation, but who were the most violent patients I'd ever nursed.
They had been pleasant, very ordinary ladies prior to getting dementia.
It can cause very extreme behaviour in some people, male and female, due to fear.

More than a decade working in care here.

It's not nice but sadly it is part of the role in some respects. These people are vulnerable and need care. It's not malicious and most would be horrified at their behaviour if they had capacity.
Dealing with challenging behaviour of all descriptions is part and parcel of looking after people with dementia.

You need to develop strategies to deal with it. You need to be very very clear with the individual that it's inappropriate. You need to practice being assertive and shutting down any behaviours quickly.

I would suggest talking to the other care staff and the management about how they deal with each individual. Push for more training if needs be. A couple of hours rope playing the most common incidents can really help you develop some confidence and authority.

If you still don't feel safe then keep raising with management. Refuse to provide care without a second carer present.

Do you have many male carers? It may be necessary for them to take over the majority of the personal care. Or to chaperone female staff. Often having another man in the room is enough to stop the behaviour.

Good luck! It's not an easy job.

I feel terribly sorry for you OP, and also for those with these cruel diseases who are unaware of their behaviour (those who are in control, not so). It is a real shame that there are not enough men working in care - these patients should be cared for by male staff ideally.

I really wouldn't advise th e zOo to verbally abuse vulnerable,patients with Dementia they would rightly find themselves in trouble🙄

Where was that suggested?

All behaviour is communication. Often of an unmet need.

What is it these men are missing? Did they previously have wives / girlfriends/ sexual and physical relationship that they have now lost and they are missing physical intimacy but expressing this inappropriately?

As carers it is difficult because boundaries are often blurred. Carer's often are warm and kind (as you'd want!) touch people in quite intimate ways when doing personal care and this can be very confusing for someone with dementia.

As the advice above, it's a good idea to be as clear about the boundaries as possible. Avoid pet names, don't call people "love" or "sweetheart" . Use their names, titles maybe. Be really clear about your role and what you are doing "I'm a carer / nurse etc. I'm going to help you to wash" and repeat it often!

Are there some non-sexual ways people can have some intimacy if this is something they are missing? Have a walk together? Make sure they get chance to sit with others for lunch or a chat?

Distraction activities, particularly ones that mean someone has their hands full if they are prone to touching people, depending on cognition this could be colouring, or wordsearch or something like a twiddle blanket. If it's during personal care get them to hold a sponge / flannel and encourage them to do bits too.

All that said, it's a bloody hard job and understandable if you have had enough! I would treat it as a team effort and make sure everyone was doing the same things if I was trying to change things.

Medication is an option, including sedation and even hormones but it all comes with side effects so should be last resort really.

Oh I really feel for you. The chap who you feel had capacity, should be escalated further with management as he must be breaching his contract to have care ( safe environment for you). For people with dementia it soo hard, my dh used to work on secure dementia ward, he came home with punches, pinches brusies amd verbal abuse nearly every day and the stress of working there made him suicidal. You have to care and have compassion for the people but also its almost impossible under such circumstances. I think thats were alot of abuse in care homes starts.

You sound like a lovely carer by the way.

I would discuss with your area manager, is there any wider training and staff support they can put in place. This isn't just you, it will take a bit more problem solving and environmental changes to help.

Also discuss with the residents gp, I would think that a referral to elderly care mental health team would be helpful or even specialist dementia teams if they have them in your area.

Regarding ladies 'behaving badly' I know of lady living with dementia who was prescribed a vibrator on the NHS due to frustration at not getting her sexual needs met. It worked for her really well. And she was no longer 'assaulting staff and the men she could find' Just because someone has dementia doesn't mean there sexual self disappears. Although it's obviously very difficult when it is directed in the wrong way.

If management and gp fob you off I would look for work in a different care home or home care if you can! And skilled carer is always needed and you should be respected and feel safe.

Probably in their ill mind, they see the older women as too old for them as they think of themselves as young men? It's such an awful disease, no way could I do that job.
Interesting that they are saying what they are thinking with no filter, so this is what men are like underneath?

To be fair, women have no filter either once the disease takes hold.

My grandad was that man, nightmare! He had only male carers due to his behaviour and was placed in a psychiatric facility with dementia section due to his behaviour and needs. Loosing inhibitions is often the first sign of dementia in my experience, even before memory loss becomes apparent

@blueshoes

There's (or was) a woman at ddm care home who used to try to take the clothes off the lovely male nurse, he laughed and joked about how he drives her wild, I'm sure he wasn't best pleased but it's a disease

No this is Dementia ,men and women can be just as badly affected ,it's a dreadful disease .

So dreadful, respect to anyone who cares for people with it

There are no acceptable reasons why you should have to be sexually assaulted and harassed at work. Your employer should be safeguarding you.

@VerityUnreasonble has some good suggestions