AIBU to take some time off work?

[StrugglingWithConscience]

I'm finding life very difficult at the moment. I have a three-year-old, I'm six months pregnant, and DH is being treated for a large invasive, incurable tumour - we don't know how much time he has left; if the treatment is successful, then it might give us a few years. If not . . . well, I can't really think about that.

My issue is that I have a very demanding job and although most of the pressure comes from my own objectives (my boss is great), I don't feel very secure in my role as I've not been there very long, and can't help feeling that maternity leave or sick leave etc. will damage my job security, reputation and prospects. Legally, of course, it shouldn't, but I had a bad experience during previous mat leave so I know that it does happen.

I've had an awful pregnancy and just at the time when I need extra help from DH, he is at his weakest, so I'm finding working and doing everything at home really difficult as I feel so unwell myself. I was dreading the weekend because I knew it would be exhausting, and now I'm dreading the working week ahead because it all just feels like too much. We don't have any family support and friends are all busy with their own families and responsibilities.

I feel like I need some time off work but I've already used up most of my annual leave and I don't want to go off sick - it's not in my nature to give up and not "cope". Ideally I would ask for reduced working hours to give myself a bit of a break to rest while our child is at nursery, but the problem with that is, I'm the higher earner and I'm trying to save as much money as possible to fund maternity leave so I need my full pay. DH is about to run out of company sick pay and move on to statutory.

I just feel very despairing at the minute. A bit overwhelmed. What would you do? Should I ask my GP for some time off work? I just feel so guilty for even considering it.

Oh OP, wow that sounds like a huge amount to contend with. You seem to be soldiering on but perhaps you have reached the time to look after yourself and your family.

Your husband is seriously ill. Nobody is going to look down on you for taking time out to look after him and yourself.

Speak to your boss

Also - are you sure your friends won't help? Most people will rally. An incurable tumour is major and most people would want to help

I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. Might your workplace have paid special leave that you could use in this situation where you are caring for your DH?

@StrugglingWithConscience
so sorry that you are going through this.
Personally yes I think you need some time out.

I would think your husband would qualify for PIP which would help with your financial worries. So please look at the benefits you may be entitled to.

If you have life insurance then sometimes they will pay out early. Might clear the mortgage?

(((HUG))) I posted (with a different name) on one of your threads the other day OR you have a situational twin.

Your Situation is bad enough, but without family & friends rallying around, it's just too much.

I'd do whatever it took to get through each day. Whatever YOU need.

Possibly a good move is to make a time to speak to your boss & lay it all out there. Explain you love the job (if you do) & long term you absolutely want to throw yourself into it, but with a difficult pregnancy & DH's situation you're really struggling & wondering if there's anything they can do to help you through this patch. You know & they'll know that this 'patch' could be a changeable situation for quite some time, but if you can both focus on the period until the baby arrives & the pregnancy troubles are over, that'll help.

Are there any other benefits you or DH could claim? Maybe it would help
you to buy in some help?

big hugs cx

That sounds so tough.

If this was me I would:

• put being with my child first. That means I would ask for some time off, even if that means unpaid leave or ask whether you can move to reduced hours for a while. No job is more important than your kid in this situation
• tell my husband to get his act together and step up. He needs to support you and your child in this. He might be struggling but in this situation he really needs to do his job as a father.

I was going to suggest asking for unpaid parental leave, but then I realised that you are trying to maximise maternity pay.

In your situation I would have a chat with your boss to see if there is anything that might help while preserving your income. Could you WFH 1-2 days per week? You will still need to pay childcare, but you won't have to deal with a commute and it will be an extra hour or so a day that you would have been commuting that you can use to do other stuff (including self care), plus being able to do short tasks like unloading the dishwasher/ evening meal prep/ running the hoover round in your lunch break, meaning more time in the evening to be together as a family (or self care!). Would compressed hours make it easier to allow 0.5-1day off in the week?

Oh wow, I didn't expect so many replies so quickly, thank you for posting, everyone.

I'll try to address some of the points/suggestions:

Life insurance won't pay out as DH had the same cancer years ago, so it's classed as a pre-existing condition/exclusion.

I already work from home so I don't have a commute - my daily routine is getting DD up at 7am to get her breakfast and to nursery for 7.45am, then I start work at 8am through until I pick her up at 6pm. Lunchtimes are spent keeping on top of washing and housework, then I'm looking after DD after work (dinner, bath etc.) until her bedtime at 8pm, then I collapse into bed too.

One of the reasons I would feel so guilty about taking time off work is that I've just recruited a new team member, and I'd hate to abandon that person by going off sick or unpaid and then disappearing on mat leave.

@Greenfairydust any time I take off unpaid at the moment to be with DD means less maternity leave to be with the new baby, so it's a dilemma. Also, DH can't step up, he's been knocked sideways by his cancer treatment. Prior to this we were equal partners in everything.

I'd not even considered PIP or anything like that - will have a look.

Honestly not sure if compressed hours is the answer - it doesn't mean I'm doing less and have more time to rest, I don't think - it feels like I'd be doing the same things, just at different times.

Sorry . . . I kind-of know there's no solution to this and I need to either bite the bullet and accept that I could damage my career by taking time off, or accept that things are shit just now and power through.

I appreciate your suggestions - thank you.

I’m always the same with ringing in sick etc until I was pregnant and my blood pressure kept creeping up and I had to start mat leave early and I felt so so foolish that I would put my baby at risk over feeling like I’d let the team down.
My workplace didn’t crumble without me, nothing changed for them at all.

We work to live not live to work, so if you can
take compassionate leave take it - if not go the GP and see if you can be signed off but I’d also check if being off may trigger your mat leave to start early.

If you don't have enough annual leave id take a week or two sick leave just to give yourself some respite. You could even plan for it to be the week after next and try and get your newbie up to speed.

My DH has up and down mental health, if he can see burnout coming he books in a day or half day of annual leave in the next 2 weeks no matter how busy he is. If that doesn't work, he'll need a lot longer with no notice.

Anyway, could work take off some responsibility so you're still working but deadlines get pushed or others drafted in to help? They don't want you going on mat leave early.

Gosh, did you read the bit where OP says her DH was being treated for a large, incurable tumour?

If you’re entitled to sick pay in this instance you should definitely use it. If they’re arses about it, then they’re not an employer worth working for. You sound like you need the money and you need the time to look after yourself, baby and family.

Having an awful pregnancy and your partners health are valid reasons to get signed off sick. I tried to be a martyr and work through my awful pregnancy and got treated badly by my employer and regret bothering - I want another baby and if I’m sick in that pregnancy (I pray I’m not!) I’ll not be working through it. I realise now I was silly to put work before my own health and my unborn baby.

I hope you get the best possible news for your DP. I’ve been in a situation with a close family member where we just didn’t know what the outcome would be and my then employer (different employer, over 10 years ago) supported me to take the time to be with my family member and I hadn’t been employed with them very long.

That's a long day to work OP, it is a no win situation but worrying about a new team member or getting a bad reputation is misplaced. You need to worry about yourself, your children and your husband

I'd get signed off for a week or 2. Re-group and re-build your energy reserves.

You say there is no family help available. Is that because they're not local or that they don't exist? I'm wondering whether they'd pay for a cleaner once a week or a service wash if you explained how overwhelmed you are? Similarly, if your friends are as good as mine, they'd be jumping to take on your ironing, invite you for dinner once a week or cut the grass etc.

You need to look after yourself OP. You're too important not to.

Thank you for your very kind replies. I think you're right; it's short-sighted of me not to put my own and my family's well-being first at this point in life. I think I'm going to take a week off sick (I can self-certify) and perhaps a break will make me feel stronger and more able for the coming weeks.

@Gazelda family are too far away to be of practical help, unfortunately - I'm not from this country and DH doesn't have a strong family support (they're a couple of hours away, in any case). I may have to be braver about asking friends for support - I do find that difficult though!

Thanks again, everyone x

Absolutely take time off for you and your family. Wishing you the best.

F#ck me. Her DH has incurable cancer and feeling weak. He's not got his bloody feet up!

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You need to probably sit with friends and family and see how they can support your family more through this time, as I suspect if you go off work sick, it may not make you feel any better mentally from what you've posted so far. You will also need their support long term. Keep your head high for your children, but it is okay if you need to ask for help too.

I think you need the break. A difficult pregnancy is hard enough with the added stress of dealing with your husband's illness too.

I don't think you really have a choice. Stress is bad for you and if taking time off helps in any way then you need to do this. You can't support your husband and kids if you are running on empty.

Prioritise you and your family not the job.

OP why are you working what sounds like 8am-5.45 every day? Those are very long hours. Are you actually contracted to do those hours or is this just what you’re doing to try to get everything done? If it’s the latter you need to tell your line manager that your workload is unsustainable. 8.30-5.30 should suffice unless you are being paid overtime.

I’m a massively hard worker and hate taking time off when sick. In my third pregnancy I was medicated for hyperemesis and spent 4 months floored with nausea (the meds stopped the actual vomiting, not the nausea). I didn’t reduce work, and instead bought in help and spent my rest days literally lying on the sofa, unable to move. Nights spent there too. All so that I could function on my working days. I so so regret not taking sick leave; I was working at about 10% anyway as I spent most of the working day in the toilet with my head pressed against the cool cubicle door - I received no medals and it was just a stupid waste of time.

I so hope you have called in sick this morning. In a years time you will look back and be grateful that you looked after yourself in this small way. I would get yourself signed off for at least two weeks and go from there. Remember doc can also recommend phased return which might help you ease the pressure.

I also echo other posters comments about talking to friends. You need their support with practical help, but also mental support, and to enjoy some good times to stop it all feeling like shit. You may find that they are waiting for you to ask; so many people just don’t know what to do in these circumstances. I have been in crisis (also without fam) where we had to ask, ask, ask of friends. No one offered but they were all really glad to help. I have found that they will also ask me for help now, and we are all much better friends as a result.

I hope your husband has some good news soon.

Take care.

Did you read the bit where she said he is weak from his incurable tumour treatment ?
He's seriously ill , I'm sure he can be let off a bit of housework.

@StrugglingWithConscience I’m so sorry for what is a horrific situation. I’d suggest calling one of the cancer helplines for advice on claiming any benefits you might be entitled to as a family. They may offer to fill in forms for you as well.

Please, please get support for yourself. Is your midwife aware? Do reach out to friends, a generic message saying you are struggling would likely bring some offers of help. Be specific what you need- a listening ear, help with practical stuff, babysitting. Different people will be able to bring different things to the table. It will probably be the most unlikely people who step up most.

Wishing you and your family well and I hope you are resting right now.

Agree re PIP, and I was going to suggest seeking help with the form from one of the charities specific to his condition.

In many areas, Macmillan have people who are experts in doing the applications, as do many other illness-specific charities.

Afterthought: once his SSP runs out, he will be entitled to claim "new-style" ESA, which is contribution based, not means-tested.

It's only £84.80pw, but will help a little.