Going to exes grave.

[pinkandwhitestars]

So the back story is, I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have two young children.
Before I met my partner he was in a 3 year relationship with a lovely girl which ultimately ended because he told her he had lost feelings. He started seeing someone else but it was casual and they used to drink and have sex and basically just be friends with benefits etc and they were never technically in a relationship.

When I met him their "friendship" had fizzled out but they still spoke from time to time. She got herself into drugs and was living a fast lifestyle which my partner didn't want to be a part of. She knew he had started a relationship with me and that was that. She called one night about 2am asking for a song name whilst she was drunk and I told my partner that I wasn't happy with her calling during all hours of the night and what was the deal with their friendship now. I knew they hadn't seen each-other as she lives in a different city.

He didn't hear anything from her again as far as I knew. Until the other day he came to me and told me she had died of an overdose. A mutual friend of theirs had told him and he was very upset. I told him I was sorry and that I'm here for him and consoled him the best I could.

Fast forward and he wants to go and visit her grave. He had messaged her mom asking about what happened and decided he wanted to pay his respects. Although I felt a bit funny about it I told him I understood and he should definitely go if he feels he wants to. The days leading from this he constantly spoke about her and told me things I didn't want to hear. He told me about their first time having sex.. and what they used to do when they saw each other all the fun things they did. He said if he had known how bad the habit was he would have got her to come and stay with us.. I told him I wouldn't have allowed this to happen and he basically said that it would have ended our relationship if I had said no..

I know I shouldn't be but I was really upset by this. I told him that whatever he did before he met me is the past and that i don't need details but he told me that he should be able to talk to his partner about anything so I listened.

He then slipped up and told me that she used to call now and then during the night and he would talk to her. He kept this from me, I assume because I had told him I wasn't happy the first time it happened. He told me she was using drugs and would call when she was off it and he felt bad for her. I told him he should have just been honest.

Yesterday he went to see her grave and I just don't feel right. I know the poor girl is dead but I felt really sad all day. It's not the only thing that I feel isn't right with our relationship so maybe that is why.

I just want to know how you would feel if you were in my position? I have tried to be supportive and let him grieve however he needs but I just want to forget about it to be honest.

Thank you

I think on some level he is grieving for someone he rightly or wrongly believes he could have helped. And on some level there are difficult emotions like guilt tied into that.

I think you tie this into insecurity and it’s compounding something that is already there and already wrong. This is unsettling for you on top of something else - and that’s the bit you need to deal with.

She’s dead. She’s no threat to your relationship now. And she wasn’t really when she was alive - he clearly chose you over her.
The issue you’re having is just that he’s sharing thoughts that you really don’t want to hear. He needs to find someone else to talk to about these thoughts. He’s wrong that you should be able to talk to your partner about anything. Some thought are better left either unspoken or spoken with someone who will never reveal them to the important people in your life - that’s the whole premise of counseling.
I wouldn’t put too much weight on regrets he has now about not seeing her/helping her more. It’s just grief talking. He’s trying to imagine a different reality where someone he once cared about a lot didn’t die a tragically young and pointless death. It doesn’t mean he actually would have invited her to stay for months at a time if he knew how bad she had got. The reality of what living with a addict is really like and the imagined scenario where she would have come to live with you recover and get clean and go on to have a productive life could not be more different.

Is your husband crazy, would have taken a drug addict to live with you and your children, sorry but lol, ridiculous idea.

She had her mother and im sure friends and relatives, your husband needs to sort himself out and concentrate on his children and you and the life he has.

Thank you for the replies. You are both spot on, I think I understand better now.

@Bloopsie well this was my initial thought. I do understand now that he probably wouldn't have. But to say he would have ended our relationship if I had said no, I felt like how is our family coming last to this girl!

There was a phone in on Jermry vine radio 2 the other day about a situation like this

see if you can get it on catch up the advice was this is perfect normally doesn’t mean u want to go back or being disloyal to your current relationship by grieving for a person in a previous one

there was an absolutely heartbroken woman remarried for 25 years and just been to the funeral of her ex husband

He is allowed to grieve, maybe there are many what ifs to come to terms with for him.

But to say he would have ended our relationship if I had said no, I felt like how is our family coming last to this girl!

I think you need to see this in the context of grief and regret. I very much doubt he’d have been inviting her to live with you and your children, if that were the case he’d have done it when she was alive. It sounds like he’s struggling with the pointlessness of her death - he may also have regrets about times in the relationship when he could have stepped in. Grief is a horrible, unpredictable thing.

Thats a really terrible thing to say I dont know how are you going to get past that..

@Jellycatspyjamas I think your right. He has mentioned how he wish he had done more. I think because I've had a family member with an addiction I've seen first hand how hard it can be to help someone who does not want to be helped.
She also gave up full custody of her son to his father because she wasn't ready to give up the lifestyle. And having young children myself, I just can't imagine anything being more important than them or a better reason. But it isn't that simple is it.

I'd feel the same but maybe with added anger and less empathy. I'd love to say otherwise but I'm quite possessive and couldn't handle any of that. He needs to get it out his system but it sounds like it's possible that this ex represents a part of himself that he thought was exciting. Maybe he's feeling like that's all behind him now and wants you to know in a way, about the riskier, more exciting version of himself. He sounds like a good egg if he's been honest with you about talking to her during the night when she must have been in the grip of addiction. Try to real the vibe on this, talk to him about it. Even suggest you go together to a beauty's pot, purchase a small bunch of flowers and put them in a river or sea, it might be symbolic enough to provide him with closure. Hopefully he will be able to explore the issues he has coming to terms with the adult him, maybe you could do something new and different or make a plan together to do something in the future, holiday, change in home etc.

I imagine that is just guilt, and he wouldn't have actually broken up with you over it. He's just thinking "I'd have done anything to help her."

The death of an ex can be complicated emotionally, especially in situations where people feel (probably incorrectly) that they could/should have been able to help. An ex of mine committed suicide and I had similar "what could I have done if I'd known how unwell he was" type thoughts when the reality is I couldn't have done anything because we weren't in touch, it's completely illogical.

He shouldn't be oversharing details of his relationship with her though, you don't need to hear about them having sex.

*Control the vibe, not real!

He might have believed this at the moment he said it. I bet if you asked the question asked in 6 months time he would have a much more measured response.
If he brings it up again, don’t go for the ´me over her’ angle. Gently suggest that it may have ended exactly the same way, but just in his house with him having to live through the chaos and pain close up.

As others have said grief is a strange thing. He's also lashing out at you as his clearest and dearest. Most people wish they did more, think they could have helped in an early death be it to suicide or drugs etc reality is far from it though.

Would simply say I know your grieving but addiction is complicated and you couldn't have saved her even if she had wanted to.

JFC I missed that bit, sounds like he needs help with MH. Can he self refer to occupational health at work, public sector usually can or if you can afford there are lots of online therapists. 💐

She also gave up full custody of her son to his father because she wasn't ready to give up the lifestyle. And having young children myself, I just can't imagine anything being more important than them or a better reason. But it isn't that simple is it.

If her addiction was that far progressed she may not have had much choice because sooner or later social work would have stepped in and removed him anyway. Better that he goes to his dad with the agreement of his mum than a forced removal into care. While she couldn’t give up drugs for her son, she’s did well to recognise she couldn’t care for him.

My ex died of a drug overdose 9 days after I got married to another man. I was broken by it. Do you know what my husband did? He told me that it was OK to grieve and even helped me to pay for his funeral. He allowed my ex partners family to come from overseas and stay at our house for a week, even though none of us had ever met before. He let me cry, he let me talk about it and he didn't get jealous or upset.

He even lived with my ex partners ashes on top of our wardrobe for 5 years because I didn't know what to do with them. We've split up now but I will always remeber and appreciate the kindness and compassion he showed me in that time.

I wasn't in love with my ex any more, but I felt so much guilt and sadness that he had died in that way. Your husband needs to process his feelings and I think you should let him.

He had family who came for the funeral, so how come you got the ashes?

It sounds like your dp is feeling quite a bit of guilt and is thinking lots of If only ......
I wouldn't take a lot of what he says to heart, it's the grief and the guilt.
Support him as best you can.

I totally have. And I've been supportive and loving towards him. He was upset and I made sure to comfort him and I've told him to do whatever the needs to do and I'll support him. The problem I think is that he hasn't been very nice about it in the process.

Your ex sounds like a lovely lovely man and I'm so glad you had someone who supported you like that

Totally totally agree. I wish she had been able to get herself together for her sons sake, but she did the right thing taking him out of the situation

No point arguing as hypotheticals. In his head he could have saved her life and you are saying you'd have tried to stop him. It's not logical but then hypotheticals never are. It's very unlikely you'll find yourselves in that situation again so no point dwelling on hypotheticals or bringing it up again.

The ashes take weeks to be returned, they had returned abroad by the time they came back. I took half out to them when I went to visit 5 years later. The other half I'm keeping for his daughter and son when they get old enough to decide what to do with them.

That makes sense. Sorry for your loss.