Going to exes grave.

[pinkandwhitestars]

So the back story is, I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have two young children.
Before I met my partner he was in a 3 year relationship with a lovely girl which ultimately ended because he told her he had lost feelings. He started seeing someone else but it was casual and they used to drink and have sex and basically just be friends with benefits etc and they were never technically in a relationship.

When I met him their "friendship" had fizzled out but they still spoke from time to time. She got herself into drugs and was living a fast lifestyle which my partner didn't want to be a part of. She knew he had started a relationship with me and that was that. She called one night about 2am asking for a song name whilst she was drunk and I told my partner that I wasn't happy with her calling during all hours of the night and what was the deal with their friendship now. I knew they hadn't seen each-other as she lives in a different city.

He didn't hear anything from her again as far as I knew. Until the other day he came to me and told me she had died of an overdose. A mutual friend of theirs had told him and he was very upset. I told him I was sorry and that I'm here for him and consoled him the best I could.

Fast forward and he wants to go and visit her grave. He had messaged her mom asking about what happened and decided he wanted to pay his respects. Although I felt a bit funny about it I told him I understood and he should definitely go if he feels he wants to. The days leading from this he constantly spoke about her and told me things I didn't want to hear. He told me about their first time having sex.. and what they used to do when they saw each other all the fun things they did. He said if he had known how bad the habit was he would have got her to come and stay with us.. I told him I wouldn't have allowed this to happen and he basically said that it would have ended our relationship if I had said no..

I know I shouldn't be but I was really upset by this. I told him that whatever he did before he met me is the past and that i don't need details but he told me that he should be able to talk to his partner about anything so I listened.

He then slipped up and told me that she used to call now and then during the night and he would talk to her. He kept this from me, I assume because I had told him I wasn't happy the first time it happened. He told me she was using drugs and would call when she was off it and he felt bad for her. I told him he should have just been honest.

Yesterday he went to see her grave and I just don't feel right. I know the poor girl is dead but I felt really sad all day. It's not the only thing that I feel isn't right with our relationship so maybe that is why.

I just want to know how you would feel if you were in my position? I have tried to be supportive and let him grieve however he needs but I just want to forget about it to be honest.

Thank you

Agree with this.

My ex died five years ago- I was utterly devastated and needed counselling. I visit his grave every so often. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband.

I'm so sorry, it really is awful when someone dies. I think the reason I've had a hard time understanding is that they weren't in a relationship and it didn't last very long what they did have. I think he is having a hard time because of the way she died and she was so young she didn't deserve it.

I lost a boyfriend to suicide. I live nowhere near his grave, but I wouldn't think too kindly about a current partner wishing to stop me from visiting, but nor would I expect them to be okay with me reminiscing repeatedly at length about him to them.

You're within your rights to ask him to reminisce and process with somebody else rather than with you, as you are finding it difficult.

I think he is having a hard time because of the way she died and she was so young she didn't deserve it.

I think this too. I hadn't been with my boyfriend who killed himself very long before he died, but it's such a traumatic death and you don't expect young people to die, it can have a really profound effect.

A friend of mine killed herself about a year after he did, and it affected me in all sorts of ways that surprised me. I hadn't been in touch with her as often as we used to, and when I last saw her it had been rushed. I had all sorts of feelings of guilt, anger, nihilism, hopelessness and all sorts to process after that. It did help to be able to talk about it.

No point arguing as hypotheticals. In his head he could have saved her life and you are saying you'd have tried to stop him. It's not logical but then hypotheticals never are.

I think this is a good way to put it.

I would be uncomfortable, OP.

His grief is one thing and perfectly understandable, I think it was completely right that you were accepting of him visiting her grave etc.

But I would not have been OK with the comments about how he would have broken up with you if you hadn't been OK with her staying if she was struggling etc.

I think maybe in a couple of weeks once the dust has settled a bit, it would be worth going back to that comment, because it's indicative of how he views your relationship and potential other people who come onto the scene.

Of course she's not a threat at all, but it's the way he sees other women that I would be concerned about. His comment was quite controlling and not very respectful of your wishes/ boundaries, especially in regard to telling you things you don't want to hear about what he got up to with other women before you met. That's absolutely not something you should need to listen to if you don't feel comfortable.

I think you need to re-assert these boundaries/ needs with him and if he's not happy, maybe reflect on whether this relationship is right for you.

It is perfectly reasonable for your husband to want your support during this time, regardless of whether this was a 'proper' relationship or not, it clearly has upset him greatly.

However, it is not acceptable for him to be mean to you, or lash out in any way. It is not okay for him to blame you, or threaten you with past consequences based on how he wishes he had behaved. He clearly has some guilt around all of this, he does not get to lay that at your feet in any way.

I would suggest you support him by being patient and understanding, but perhaps suggest he finds another sounding board for his memories if it makes you uncomfortable. I hope he feels better soon.

Clearly he has huge guilt around the fact that he knows was the one she would reach out to when she needed a supportive ear, but that he was keeping her at bay because of you. You had already said you didn't want him talking to her. So part of his grief guilt may be that he is struggling with the fact that he could have been there for her more than he was, and maybe he is thinking that she would have been less likely to overdose if she had had a bit of emotional security.

The reality is that it wouldn't have helped if he had been there, and he had already chosen you over her, but if if he felt you weren't being sympathetic when he was verbalising his guilt then it may well have been him lashing out a bit when he wasn't feeling understood in his grief.

Do go back to the conversation in about six months as it has clearly bothered you, but you need to slow those feelings of grief and guilt to subdue for him. In the interim do encourage him to talk to someone - whether it be someone who knew her or a professional

How are so many people glossing over him discussing the details of his sex life with this woman with OP? That’s not remotely a normal part of grieving, it’s gross, disrespectful to both the women he did it with and OP who’s being made to hear it.

It’s extremely manipulative that he’s saying his grief gives him a right to be so blatant and OP is obliged to listen to it.

OP, you’re right to feel however you feel about all of this. MN can be weird about the things a person who knows someone who’s died can get away with, and for how long. As you can see.

How are so many people glossing over him discussing the details of his sex life with this woman with OP? That’s not remotely a normal part of grieving, it’s gross, disrespectful to both the women he did it with and OP who’s being made to hear it.

Grief often ends up in people over-sharing and not really being aware of boundaries - just because they're so desperate to talk to someone about everything that's going through their heads. To say it's "not remotely normal" is being too simplistic, IMO.

Of course that doesn't mean OP is obliged to listen though.

@ThatFraggle that's seriously your take from her post. FMD.

@Plankingplanks your Ex was a great man in that moment. I'm very sorry something went badly wrong in your relationship & he's now an Ex.

@pinkandwhitestars What he said & did was very hurtful, it's ok to be hurt by it. He lied to you about talking to her & he's told you he'd have ended your relationship if you hadn't welcomed her to stay with you. Talking to her was (obviously) before she died, but saying about ending your relationship was after. It could just be guilt. I think I'd give it some time and see how things go. Tell him if you ever catch him out lying to you again it will be the end and if he would choose anyone above you he's free to leave. Just see how you feel in a few months.

i am a bit awed by this, such a healthy response from your partner at the time