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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite her?

37 replies

HadleyMonroe · 13/05/2023 20:32

I’ve become good friends with two colleagues, one joined in February and we just clicked. I see these people as friends.

I work with someone else and at one point I did consider her a friend but she’s very domineering, doesn’t let you speak, will criticise you quite openly. I lent her money once and had to ask her twice to give it me back and she only returned it as she wanted a different favour from me. She’s not a bad person, she’s just very different and overtime its got too much.

She found out our group of three had dinner together on Thursday and asked me Friday over work email why I didn’t invite her.

We already organised our next meet up for next weekend (the three of us) and tbh I don’t want to invite the other one. I’ve spent years of my life accommodating people, trying to organise meet ups and I’m done. In a selfish way I just want to enjoy my time with people I like.

(just for context we work in a team that’s got maybe 12 women so she’s not being singled out)

OP posts:
pecantoucan · 13/05/2023 20:34

I think its always a bit iffy when a group of colleagues start to meet up outside work. You are under no obligation to invite her.

pecantoucan · 13/05/2023 20:34

Maybe try to keep chat about meeting up outside work via text or teams or not on the work floor.

Original poster
HadleyMonroe · 13/05/2023 20:36

pecantoucan · 13/05/2023 20:34

Maybe try to keep chat about meeting up outside work via text or teams or not on the work floor.

None of us discussed it at work. Plus she’s rarely in the office. She saw a photo of it on Instagram.

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 13/05/2023 20:38

I’d just be vague and say it wasn’t a work-related meet up hence not everyone from work went and leave it at that.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 13/05/2023 20:38

Well done for not rushing to invite her to the next one. How about a matter-of-fact reply like "Hi Sarah - this was a personal get-together, not a works event, hence not inviting the rest of the team. See you Monday."

Original poster
HadleyMonroe · 13/05/2023 20:39

Also this might not be relevant at all but everyone I’m discussing (me included) are all the same level at work and all have the same title.

OP posts:
giveituplucy12 · 13/05/2023 20:40

She has a bit of a cheek asking, to be honest. It doesn’t sound like a very mature response, is she young? You would hope her reaction would have been “they went out without me, oh well.” I get what you mean, life is short, spend it with people who appreciate you and who you enjoy spending time with. Not sure what an appropriate response would be, because you shouldn’t have to lie. Could just say “we fancied heading out, it was impromptu” but that won’t help you in the future. If she is bold enough to ask “what about me?” you might have to be equally direct. Mumsnetters always have the cleverest responses, so someone cleverer than me will be able to help you with a response!

JenniferBarkley · 13/05/2023 20:41

I do feel for her if you were friends, it's shit when a friend moves on and to still be working with you and seeing you socialise with others must sting a bit.

Having said that, you are of course perfectly within your rights not to be friends with her (and by the sounds of things I wouldn't want to be either!).

I think a friendly, matter of fact response is best. "Hi Jane, it wasn't a team night out or anything, we just decided to have dinner. Are you going to X/other casual work talk."

Original poster
HadleyMonroe · 13/05/2023 20:41

DivorcedAndDelighted · 13/05/2023 20:38

Well done for not rushing to invite her to the next one. How about a matter-of-fact reply like "Hi Sarah - this was a personal get-together, not a works event, hence not inviting the rest of the team. See you Monday."

I think the old me would have done that. But thankfully the people pleasing part of me is fading. I just don’t want drama and her asking me outright feels like she could fall out with me and it’s be awkward, which I know sounds like school but I’m not sure how else to phase it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/05/2023 20:43

DivorcedAndDelighted · 13/05/2023 20:38

Well done for not rushing to invite her to the next one. How about a matter-of-fact reply like "Hi Sarah - this was a personal get-together, not a works event, hence not inviting the rest of the team. See you Monday."

This.

None of her business.

Do not entertain her.

Keep your SM private.

I never understand people adding colleagues.

Best keep your private life private.

Do not discuss your arrangements in work.

billy1966 · 13/05/2023 20:47

HadleyMonroe · 13/05/2023 20:41

I think the old me would have done that. But thankfully the people pleasing part of me is fading. I just don’t want drama and her asking me outright feels like she could fall out with me and it’s be awkward, which I know sounds like school but I’m not sure how else to phase it.

Show quote history

If she wants to make a drama about your private life, involve HR.

Hence the text is wise.

Don't answer any questions as to why you didn't invite her.

You do NOT have to explain to anyone how you spend your weekends.

You do not owe her any explanation.
Be very clear on that point.

Refuse to explain your private life with her, but remai polite.

Keep in mind you may need HR, so be very measured and calm in your responses.

Original poster
HadleyMonroe · 13/05/2023 20:47

JenniferBarkley · 13/05/2023 20:41

I do feel for her if you were friends, it's shit when a friend moves on and to still be working with you and seeing you socialise with others must sting a bit.

Having said that, you are of course perfectly within your rights not to be friends with her (and by the sounds of things I wouldn't want to be either!).

I think a friendly, matter of fact response is best. "Hi Jane, it wasn't a team night out or anything, we just decided to have dinner. Are you going to X/other casual work talk."

Agree and I don’t want to hurt anyone. She’s just very overbearing and wants things her way, for example last year we booked lunch and then something happened a few days before with the table and our reservation was double booked.

I said let’s still go out and go to a different restaurant and she said no she only wanted to go to that place.

it’s just very much her way or not at all.

OP posts:
pecantoucan · 13/05/2023 20:47

HadleyMonroe · 13/05/2023 20:36

None of us discussed it at work. Plus she’s rarely in the office. She saw a photo of it on Instagram.

Show quote history

In that case she can stfu

FairAcre · 13/05/2023 20:57

You don’t have to invite her but it’s a bit tactless and unkind that one of you posted about it on Instagram.

WarmButteryCrumpets · 13/05/2023 20:59

FairAcre · 13/05/2023 20:57

You don’t have to invite her but it’s a bit tactless and unkind that one of you posted about it on Instagram.

But by that standard it's unkind to ever post a pic of you out with any friends, as you haven't invited everyone you know!

Acheyknees · 13/05/2023 21:05

Just a simple ' As it wasn't a work event we didn't think to invite the team along'

Dedodee · 13/05/2023 21:10

Tell her. We didn’t invite you because you’re bossy.

mainsfed · 13/05/2023 21:12

Urgh don’t invite her! You will have to keep inviting her if you do!

Just ignore her.

Original poster
HadleyMonroe · 13/05/2023 21:23

FairAcre · 13/05/2023 20:57

You don’t have to invite her but it’s a bit tactless and unkind that one of you posted about it on Instagram.

It wasn’t me but there was no malice behind it. My entire social media is people posting where they are, who they’re with and what they are eating.

None of those posts are put up with the sole intention of hurting my feelings.

OP posts:
AllegraWalterJones · 13/05/2023 21:26

Just tell her that it's inappropriate to discuss your personal life over work email and it's non of her business.

Conkersinautumn · 13/05/2023 21:29

Absolutely keep all chat about it off work messages and time so that there is a clear line that this isn't work related.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/05/2023 21:31

Just tell her it was a personal gathering, not a works-related event

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2023 21:31

You had best figure out a way to distance yourself from her, and quickly, because this woman is trouble. She isn't going to go away easily.

This whole thread is a perfect example why you should keep your work and private lives separate.

GreekDogRescue · 13/05/2023 21:31

I don’t understand posting social life on Instagram. If you hadn’t posted she wouldn’t have known you went out.

mainsfed · 13/05/2023 21:34

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2023 21:31

You had best figure out a way to distance yourself from her, and quickly, because this woman is trouble. She isn't going to go away easily.

This whole thread is a perfect example why you should keep your work and private lives separate.

It wasn’t OP who posted the pic I think.

And the colleague shouldn’t have been stalking colleagues’ Insta. This is entirely her fault.

OP and her friends didn’t print the pic and put it on her desk you know,

Swipe left for the next trending thread