To not invite her?

[HadleyMonroe]

I’ve become good friends with two colleagues, one joined in February and we just clicked. I see these people as friends.

I work with someone else and at one point I did consider her a friend but she’s very domineering, doesn’t let you speak, will criticise you quite openly. I lent her money once and had to ask her twice to give it me back and she only returned it as she wanted a different favour from me. She’s not a bad person, she’s just very different and overtime its got too much.

She found out our group of three had dinner together on Thursday and asked me Friday over work email why I didn’t invite her.

We already organised our next meet up for next weekend (the three of us) and tbh I don’t want to invite the other one. I’ve spent years of my life accommodating people, trying to organise meet ups and I’m done. In a selfish way I just want to enjoy my time with people I like.

(just for context we work in a team that’s got maybe 12 women so she’s not being singled out)

Don't reply to the email (just pretend you never saw it) & block her on Instagram.

You all definitely need to keep it off social media in the future then.

Ok. 🙃

I didn't mention social media at all.

I understand the reasoning but also people can post what they want. Why should we all have to tiptoe around one person.

She’s insulted me many times saying things like we’re a similar size and she needs to lose weight etc and she’s controlling like telling me to cancel my hair appointment and go to her hairdresser instead for literally no reason. I think us going out is the control thing maybe.

You don't even like her so what's the problem, really? What she thinks doesn't even matter. Ignore her aside from necessary work related issues, fade her out, and hopefully she'll just leave you alone.

I used to like her, but it’s slowly faded for the reasons I’ve listed. I suppose I just don’t want awkwardness at work and we are a team that has meals out and there’s an expectation to be there.

I would either not respond or say something like. "It wasn't a work meet up hence not everyone invited" and leave it at that.

I agree about just not inviting her and/or shutting her down the next time she asks why she wasn't invited. It'll be considered rude by some, I daresay, but the explanation that it's a meal between friends, not mere colleagues... followed by a bewildered silence might effectively drive the point home once and for all.

She's not your friend. She's a mere colleague. Her hurt feelings (or arrogance, depending on your take, I suppose) are not your problem. At all. They're hers. She cannot force an invite to join you/your friends who happen to also be your colleagues. She can try to, but that's where your confused repeating of how it's a social gathering between friends comes into play.

Ok so I admire the fact she asked you straight out. That's putting herself in a vulnerable position. She doesn't know she's annoying or overbearing or demanding. She is simply a human being having a normal reaction; she saw three of her friends out without her and wondered why she wasn't included.

I am not saying you have to invite her but her hurt and confused reaction is normal.

I'd think carefully about how you want to proceed before the next meetup. Are the other two also keen to reduce your friendship group down to the three of you? If yes then take the advice above and kindly but clearly let her know she's not considered part of the smaller group. If she presses for an explanation I would probably gently tell her the truth. Don't be nasty about it. She hasn't done anything wrong here, she's just been herself and you work like her.

If the other two don't want to leave her out then I'd invite her. You will damage their friendships otherwise.

Personally I would invite her regardless and instead of being irritated by her reflect on why she gets under my skin and think about how to communicate better with her.

Well unless you apologise and invite her to everything in future there's going to be awkwardness so you have to decide if you want to avoid awkwardness so much that you either hide what you're doing, stop doing it or invite someone you dislike.

I'd speak to her (because anything you put in writing during work time or over work emails etc could be used to twist into an accusation of bullying) and say it wasn't a work outing and if a work event is organised you will obviously make sure she's invited.

If she wants to push it it's ok to say you're colleagues not friends and you don't think it would be appropriate.

@Stupidliefromfriend it may be a bit late now. The thread was started in May!

She's a CF. I'd reply by looking surprised and say that there were plenty of people you didn't invite