'I like my dad more than I like you'

[TableTime99]

My son (5) hadn't seen his dad for nearly 5 years (since he was a newborn) due to domestic abuse and safeguarding issues. The courts finally decided to grant access at a contact centre. He's seen his dad once last weekend for 1.5 hours, and all week every time I've asked him to do something such as tidy his room, wash his hands etc it has been 'I like daddy more than you' and 'I want to live with my daddy'.

I have a very loving and gentle relationship with my son and he doesn't particularly have any behavioural issues, but since contact he's been completely obsessed with his dad and massively defiant towards me.

I feel completely heartbroken but am trying not to let it show and am dealing with it appropriately, and need to remind myself that he is 5, not 15.

The contact centre provided me with a glowing written report and I suspect will move towards unsupervised contact. I am so, so concerned that my son is going to completely idolise his dad, who was physically abusive towards us both (my son doesn't remember).

I don't know how to cope with this and am suddenly feeling extremely insecure in mine and my son's relationship.

Can anyone help me unpick this?

To add, there's nothing wrong with a child idolising their parents, but I still feel concerned about the fact that his dad was incredibly abusive to us both that it was unsafe for contact to go ahead for 5 years he kept taking it back to court. I'm scared he will use this against me and try and brainwash my son (the last thing he said to me years ago was that he would tell our son 'all about how I stopped him seeing him'). I'm just very very worried.

No need to worry.
my father also left and we thought he was some saint figure. He wasn’t. Imagination is easy.
You May have years of this, but they learn when teens how crap these men are and can’t wait to get away.

We’d all be amazing parents if we didn’t have to ask them to take responsibilities on - age appropriate obviously!!

You need to have stock phases - that’s nice son, and don’t engage.

I'm so tearful all the time because I've never had to deal with this before. It hurts a lot that the first time our abuser is back in our lives it's back to me feeling insecure and worried. It's like every aspect of him is going to hurt me somehow.

I don't know how to stop crying. Just can't seem to pull myself together.

Sorry to say but I think this is very common and they don't always realise as teens. My ex saw my daughter a handful of times and didn't see her from ages 2 -5 she's now 6 he's seen her a couple of times yet she absolutely idolises him. She was asked to draw a picture of her family at school and she drew him despite him only seeing her about 3 times, kids tend to idolise the absent parent

I think I would be able to cope with it if he wasn't in our lives again, but I can't stop catastrophising and picturing him wanting to go and live with his dad and me basically losing my child.

Ah don’t worry. I had all this. I never ever once bad mouthed their dad. I always asked after him, arranged contact, smiled and nodded my way through all the bullshit. If I had rules and he didn’t I’d just explain why I had certain rules in place and if dads rules were different that’s up to him etc etc.

The penny drops eventually believe me. The one who tries to ‘poison’ always loses.

My dad left when I was three. I absolutely idolised him he was fun dad that didn't have to get my pe kit ready or nag me to to my homework

To my mums credit she never once bad mouthed him or told me the truth about his behaviours

When I grew up I realised what a massive bellend he really was.

It's ok for your son to idolise him and you will be in for some rough times but.. He will discover for himself at some point

That's one thing the contact centre really complimented me on - how positive my son seemed to be about contact and how much he knew about his dad etc. I've never said a bad word. I would never.

Fortunately that would never happen for us he would never want them to live with him 😬

He's so controlling that I think he'd be thrilled with this!

He knows you love him unconditionally, so he can say these words to you with impunity.

The correct response is “well, I love you more than anyone.”

My SIL had years of my niece wanting to "live with her daddy". It was thrown in her face every time she went in a strop, which was often, right through her teen years. You will think you can never win against Disney dad, but it isn't a competition so don't even try, enable contact, ignore the hurtful comments, love them and give them the rules/boundaries they don't know they need to make them feel safe.

@OlympicProcrastinator is absolutely right. It was SIL my niece wanted to walk her down the aisle, not her dad (she even told him if her mum didn't feel comfortable doing it he was would be her 5th choice!). She is incredibly close to her mum now the penny has dropped.

This is very common, and as pps

A pps said he may not see the light/understand the situation until he's much older. It's really important for you to be the adult here and not take it personally or expect your son to take sides. I imagine that suddenly having a dad at that age is a real novelty. If he ever asks why he didn't see him before tell him that daddy didn't have good behaviour, but that he is trying hard now. Never speak badly about him as it will just back fire.

Unfortunately this is completely normal. My dd used to say this as she only ever had sun with her dad, he'd guilt buy stuff and let her eat crap.
It's only now as a teenager that she is seeing the "true" him and complains about him all the time.

Easy to say but I would try not to take this personally. He is so little and trying to process this concept of a father all of a sudden when he has not had one before in his memory- all these concepts of rejection and abandonment aren't going to be ones he is able to process or understand the workings of at so young an age (even adults often struggle) and the high of new love and attention is going to throw any child off. The words he's using are a reflection of his age and the vocabulary he has, not a truthful or well thought out reflection on daddy vs mummy so much as exploring some difficult feelings in a situation that has clearly had an effect on him. It might be helpful to start some work at home with 'feelings' and communication - what he is expressing are a mix of his emotions and that can be worked on with the right questions and the right tools to allow him to express how he feels in an age appropriate way. Spend some time on interactive play where he learns to identify the emotion he is feeling and look for ways to talk about it - lots of helpful books and toys available to help with this.

Long term he will presumably be told the truth about this proven physical abuse and will have to form his own opinions on it. All you can do is give him time to adjust, not react negatively and provide as much consistency at your own home as you can. The concept of another home/family situation can leave children feeling disconnected from what they knew about 'home' and unsettle them. Work on connecting with him and your home being his safe space

It’s completely normal. The golden rule is never ever bad mouth him to your son, ever. Kids turn into adults, they don’t suddenly loose their childhood memories, they will know who was/wasn’t the decent one.

Is it so bad if a mum tells her kids (in an age appropriate fashion) that she was the victim of DV and that is why she is not with their dad/ they do not see dad so often?

Sorry, not a situation I have been in. Apologies if this is incredibly naive?

This is not at all about you.

You have a 5 year old trying to re process the entry of a parent into his life. He is 5. He has limited emotions and ways of expressing himself. He associated positive emotions with that first visit. He is trying to find a way to make sense of all this. He has heard of dads, other people have one. Now he has one too.

When he says I like my dad more than you - reflect what he is really telling you. Give him more tools to express himself. "It sounds like you were glad to meet him." "It sounds like you two had fun". "It sounds like you want to spend more time with your dad". "What was your favorite part?" "How did you feel when you saw him"

I think it is often the ‘thought’ of having a dad, especially when they have been absent from their lives. It’s not him per se that your son idolises, but the thought of having a daddy.

Definitely not at 5. Imagine telling a 5yo that their dad was violent to them and their mother then sending them off to spend time with them. Not the best idea.

I'm coming up to this now. Abusive/absent person who is back involved in our lives after 5 years and even now, it wasn't initiated by them FFS. I'm dreading the court ruling this person should have contact.

People like this should never have unsupervised contact. It's as simple as that.

Of course, the children have no idea what's gone on, so they consider that they might be a horrendous human being.

Agree no need to tell young children that absolutely not.

My ex has done all kinds of awful things, suspended contact for very tenuous reasons, not turned up when he said he would, been prevented from contact by social services 3 times while investigations were pursued and eventually NFA'd as I wasn't happy for the children to be interviewed by police to support criminal prosecution of incidents against me, just an absolute twat of a father. BUT when he does turn up my kids treat him like the new messiah. Run into his arms and barely look back at me. That hurts a lot. We have a professional involved with both twins for emotional resilience support that I asked for. The nurse said I'd done too good a job of protecting them from their fathers failings. He said dont slag him off left right and centre but don't cover for him when he lets them down. He said that is why they idolise him and get angry with me because they don't live with him any more. He is total Disney dad when he turns up and they get freedoms that I can't give day to day with the school run and homework etc.
It's a hard shift for me to show a chink in his armour to them but I do it to protect my relationship with them as they hit the teens but likewise I won't outright bad mouth him either. A fine line to follow but I know they will remember who was at every parents evening, every school performance, every time they were ill or in hospital, every time they needed taking to scouts or a football match, every day who walked them to school chatting on the way, playing the 'country game'. Time will tell....