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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours letting their baby cry for hours at night

90 replies

Lifeswhatyoumakeit73 · 13/05/2023 03:37

It’s 3.30am. The neighbours 1 year old whose bedroom is clearly in the room next to mine (we are in a terrace) has been crying for 2 hours. The noise woke me up and I have been unable to get back to sleep.

Aibu to think it’s totally unacceptable to let your child scream for 2 hours. Apart from it being really awful for the child who is clearly distressed, it’s also awful to listen to and also has probably woken up the neighbours on the other side too. It’s not the first time either by a long way.

I don’t know if I should go & speak to them about it tomorrow.

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 13/05/2023 06:15

I'm sure people will tell you that you don't know the full story blah blah blah but I think the only reason a child would be this distressed for that long if being comforted appropriately and distracted etc is illness, in which case it wouldn't have happened before.

It's usually possible to soothe a very distressed one year old with changing rooms, putting the lights on, music, a soothing toy or book etc. So to me I think hours of screaming is in response to a parenting decision.

I'd definitely ask how the baby is doing today and if they don't say sick, I'd report on the basis that you have said "it's not the first time by a long shot". They need parenting input and are possibly being neglectful. If you don't want to risk comeback I'd report and not say anything.

Remaker · 13/05/2023 06:19

My DS had night terrors when he was young. When we went in to him and tried to comfort him it actually made it worse and he would scream for over an hour. Eventually we worked out the best way was to just stand in the room to make sure he wasn’t hurting himself thrashing around in the cot and then he would calm down within 10 mins and go back to sleep. But there were many long and noisy nights before we realised that.

I’m not sure how you can be so certain the parents weren’t in there? I certainly wasn’t talking loudly or stomping around when I was trying to comfort my baby. How would you hear soft shushing and rocking?

My neighbour actually did make a snarky comment about how she felt so sorry for my son when we were ‘sleep training’ him. It really pissed me off at the time, especially as it was completely inaccurate. I’d suggest minding your business and buying some earplugs.

Daisydu · 13/05/2023 06:25

how Do you know they are just leaving them though? I’ve had times where my babies or toddlers have screamed and cried while I’ve tried everything to comfort them. Also, maybe they are sleep training and using controlled crying? Not for everyone I know but lots swear by it. I can always hear next doors 4 year old screaming, she wakes a lot at night and the walls are thin, but I wouldn’t say anything to them, and yep she’s woken me up a few times.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/05/2023 06:37

If they definitely aren't in there with him and it's been happening a bit then it wouldn't be unreasonable to go round and - gently - say you know how tough it is but you are really struggling with sleep, if there's any other approach they can try you'd be really grateful.

Before you do though, have you tried earplugs? That might sort it. I live in a very traffic-y flat and it does for me. The spongey ones are easy to get used to, Boots do big boxes. If that's not enough try silicon or wax or there are a couple of places making reusable ones now.

mrsbitaly · 13/05/2023 06:41

Are you on speaking terms with the neighbours? You could always pop round and ask how they are doing and if the child is teething as you've heard them during night it may prompt a conversation about it.

febrezeme · 13/05/2023 06:45

My twins went through a stage of this around 1 - and there was nothing I could do - I was very conscious of the neighbours though and would take them downstairs and sleep on the sofa with them and put Disney on - just because they are crying doesn't mean they are neglected

WaltzingWaters · 13/05/2023 06:54

Don’t report it unless there’re signs of neglect. And don’t say anything unless it’s happening every night, or said in a very casual and kind way.
There are many reasons this could be happening. The baby could be ill and they’re actually trying to calm it, you just can’t hear it as that’s obviously going to be quiet. Baby could be having night terrors, and again, parents are there trying to calm them. They could be doing a form of sleep training to try and break a bad habit (yes, I know it’s a taboo subject on MN).
If it’s nightly and there are signs of abuse or neglect like the parents aggressively shouting lots then of course speak to them/report them. But not just for baby crying at night.

TheOpenRoad · 13/05/2023 06:56

Mumsnet is usually full of people advocating letting babies and toddlers cry it out to learn to self soothe and settle. I'm really surprised to see so many posters saying it's not normal to leave a baby to cry when that is usually common advice here.

I would say something to the neighbours, if they are trying 'cry yourself to sleep' it's clearly not working. Fwiw, I think it's appalling to let very young kids cry like that. Had the same with one of mine and it was awful. The only thing that helped was picking him up and cuddling. Completely exhausting but eventually he grew out of it

wildfirewonder · 13/05/2023 07:00

How do you know they are 'leaving the baby to cry', rather than 'holding a crying baby'?

user1492757084 · 13/05/2023 07:02

I would just be a good neighbour.
I heard you had a tough night last night. Could you make use of this zucchini cake?
The parents could be sick or needing one good nights sleep in the week to be able to cope and carry on. Perhaps the child has been checked, patted, given Panadol, but still is crying. Maybe they are going to have it's ears checked tomorrow.

You don't know and you won't be told the truth unless you care enough to be kind.

As we all experience, parenting has the blissfully calm days, the busy up and down but normal days and few very trying times where parents sometimes have to make hard choices.

Sissynova · 13/05/2023 07:06

I don’t know if I should go & speak to them about it tomorrow.

And say what? ‘Do you know your 1 year old was crying last night…?’ Because I’m sure they were well aware.
And “let” is such a stupid choice of words. I’m sure they were just letting her cry. The fact that she’s got to 1 and this isn’t a regular occurrence makes it clear something was off. Baby was probably sick or unwell and could not be comforted.

Fraaahnces · 13/05/2023 07:07

My guess is that they’re utterly desperate too, and have tried everything that every bloody “expert” has suggested. Also, two is when people begin to notice behavioural differences that indicate ASD, etc… if this child is largely immune to regular circadian rhythms and has other developmental delays, the parents will be at their wit’s end right now. Going in gently from a perspective of concern for all of them is highly advisable. Meanwhile, if you suspect the parents are intoxicated in any way or the child appears neglected, THEN don’t hesitate to call SS.

Sissynova · 13/05/2023 07:07

SugarHorse · 13/05/2023 04:38

That's very easy for you to say when you're not in the thick of it like the OP is.

Show quote history

I would hardly call 1 night if crying after a year “in the thick of it”.

BeaverLeader · 13/05/2023 07:07

We live in a terrace and had a night waker/screamer. Luckily we had parents of young children either side so they were understanding. There was nothing I could do other than ride it out with him.

Unless there are other signs of neglect and you're actually worried about the baby then say nothing and get yourself a pair of earplugs/white noise app etc. I know it's annoying but it will end.

PaintingTheSky · 13/05/2023 07:11

If I'd have had social services or similar banging on my door because of my screaming child, it would have completely broken me.

Luhou · 13/05/2023 07:13

Imagine you're the parent of a 1 year old who has been up all night poorly and crying. You've tried your very best to get them back to sleep and they're still upset despite endless cuddles. You wake up today knackered and then your neighbour comes round and tells you You've been leaving your baby to cry and are neglectful.

I appreciate you have to consider the other alternative but unless you have other reasons for concerns, I would wait and see if this is an ongoing thing.

Rosebel · 13/05/2023 07:13

You sound like my old next door neighbour who used to bang on the wall when DD1 cried at night. She even came round one day to complain about the night before.
There was nothing I could do as she was a baby. I did take her to the doctors but nothing wrong.
I was polite to the neighbour but I cried when she left. I was exhausted, I was trying to get my DD to sleep at night and having someone come round and bitch at me didn't help and put me on edge. I barely slept at all after that as I was worried about disturbing the neighbours and would rush to DD if she so much as whimpered.
So I think you would be unreasonable to complain.

YukoandHiro · 13/05/2023 07:14

Hmmm maybe go round and ask if there's anything you can do to help, to try to get the context. It could be that they're with them the whole time but they're still screaming due to illness/reflux/night terrors/ anything really

YukoandHiro · 13/05/2023 07:16

Isthisexpected · 13/05/2023 06:15

I'm sure people will tell you that you don't know the full story blah blah blah but I think the only reason a child would be this distressed for that long if being comforted appropriately and distracted etc is illness, in which case it wouldn't have happened before.

It's usually possible to soothe a very distressed one year old with changing rooms, putting the lights on, music, a soothing toy or book etc. So to me I think hours of screaming is in response to a parenting decision.

I'd definitely ask how the baby is doing today and if they don't say sick, I'd report on the basis that you have said "it's not the first time by a long shot". They need parenting input and are possibly being neglectful. If you don't want to risk comeback I'd report and not say anything.

Illness can be long term - my youngest used to scream inconsolably when her eczema was hurting at night and she was so angry due to her tiredness and being unable to sleep.

NotAHouse · 13/05/2023 07:20

If you don't want to be disturbed by human noise, go live in the woods.

Or, you could take 5 mins to be a decent human, pop round and ask if they're OK. Not in a passive-aggressive "jokey" but-what-about-my-precious-sleep way, but in a genuine way.

Or, if you insist on not having contact with them, buy some ear plugs.

They could be really struggling for a number of reasons. Evil parents leaving their baby to cry because they don't give shit is possible, but not the only reason.

summervibes2023 · 13/05/2023 07:30

You don't know if the parents tried to calm her down. My daughter, in the first three months of her life, screamed for 8 hours at a time. Her face went purple from all the crying. Nobody was able to calm her down. We even took her to A and E, nothing helped.

kezziecakes · 13/05/2023 07:31

They're probably sleep training. I never did it but mine were terrible sleepers and so many people told me to including a sleep consultant I paid a lot of money to. If so they will probably stop crying in a few nights so I would wait to talk to them.

bussteward · 13/05/2023 07:31

Oh God, don’t go round unless that’s something you usually do/you have a good relationship. When you’ve got a crying baby and no sleep and your neighbour suddenly pops by “just checking everything’s OK…?”, we KNOW what you mean is “stop your baby waking me up”. We’re sleep-deprived, not stupid.

5128gap · 13/05/2023 07:32

The answer to this is always the same. No need to speculate or theorise or try and make your own assessment. That's not your job. No one on here has the first clue if the child is ok or not. If you're concerned enough about a child for the word 'neglect' to enter your mind, then report, and let the people who's job it is decide whether there's a problem or not.

LT2 · 13/05/2023 07:32

Poor baby. I co-sleep my 15 month old as I don't want to let him cry. I do wonder though, whether they are sleep training. My LO will cry unless I breastfeed him. So I wonder if they are there, trying to comfort him, but it's not working. I have read about sleep training and patting them, etc. But my LO will still cry, until he is breastfed. I think I would give up after the first hour of it not working though! Which is why I've never really tried sleep training!