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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice re DV and child contact.

33 replies

Stressedafff · 12/05/2023 23:19

I’m being abused. I want to leave.

Im absolutely petrified that my partner will end up with unsupervised or even overnight and 50/50 access to my daughter
He isn’t on birth certificate. Not married. Council property in my name only

I don’t want him around her. He’s aggressive, nasty, foul mouthed and he barely bothers with her anyway. He insults and screams and threatens me in front of her. She is 3. I don’t want my baby around him or his family as they are drug users and enablers. This is what’s stopping me leaving.

Does anyone have any advice because I can’t live like this anymore but I don’t want my baby with him. She wouldn’t be safe.

OP posts:
CadburyDream · 12/05/2023 23:24

You dont want the child around him but its whats stopping you from leaving? She around him already

Original poster
Stressedafff · 12/05/2023 23:36

Sorry I meant on her own. I can mitigate it whilst I’m here. In my head I can protect her. It’s the lesser of 2 evils.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 12/05/2023 23:42

Contact womens aid

If you feel strong enough perhaps change locks when he is out. He has no right to property as not on tenancy. If he gets aggressive call the police.

CadburyDream · 12/05/2023 23:43

So you never leave him alone with her ever?

Original poster
Stressedafff · 12/05/2023 23:44

No. I never have.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 12/05/2023 23:47

Do you have the ability to move a distance away?

Original poster
Stressedafff · 12/05/2023 23:48

No I can’t do that. I really don’t want to leave my home or my area. My support system, DD’s nursery etc are all here

OP posts:
SchoolShenanigans · 12/05/2023 23:51

First things first, you need to report his violence and aggression towards you to the police. And report to women's aid or refuge. You want this noted somewhere in case you need "evidence" later. And also support in how to leave him safely. Do you think he'd try to hurt either of you if you told him to leave?

Do you have family you can lean on?

This will end, I promise. And I highly doubt he'll pay the money to get rights to see her.

Ilovetea42 · 12/05/2023 23:55

I agree you need to contact woman's aid, they'd be able to help you to stay in your home but if it gets worse and you don't feel safe there then they will have accommodation to offer you as well. Or help you find a new house near your supports he doesn't know the address of. I'd also contact social services and explain your concerns around his parenting and report the abuse to them and the police. That means there will be a record of it should he request contact and that will be considered in court. If you go to womens aid you will get a Worker who will walk you through all of this, come to all appointments with you and give you advice on all your options. You're doing the right thing by leaving just make sure you cover your tracks until you can get him out. Have a bag of essentials for you and your dd at a non mutual friends house and your important documents in a folder together somewhere safe so if at any point you decide you need to leave in a hurry you have that to fall back on and you can lift the folder quickly. You don't deserve what you've been through and there's much better out there for you and dd.

Acidburn · 13/05/2023 00:09

Report to the police. They take domestic abuse very seriously. In terms of saveguarding you - you can apply for a Non Molestation Order, which will prevent him from approaching you or your child. If he breaches the order - he could be arrested. Google NCDV for more info on that.

ItsEasilyDone · 13/05/2023 00:30

You need to report the abuse to the police

I reported the abuse/assault to the police, he was arrested and found guilty in court. They gave him a court order to not contact or communicate with me and included both of our children on it. I was so surprised. Itll be 6 years in July that I left him, my kids are 6.5 and 8.4 and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful I finally reported him and got us all out of there

Swfriendly · 13/05/2023 00:40

Firstly, well done for posting on here, it shows you know what's happening is not ok, and it's not.
Please follow the advice to contact women's aid. Also to contact your local social services - you will NOT be judged for wanting to leave an abusive relationship. They will want to help and support you. They absolutely know it's not as easy as 'tell him to leave' or 'pack your bags and leave'. They will help you, advocate for you, help to get legal protection in place etc etc Social care are not the devil I promise, they can provide the help you are looking for, good luck x

Original poster
Stressedafff · 13/05/2023 01:20

I had a social worker contact me in August 2020. I stupidly told her I had split up from him and was told if I get back with him I need to tell them so they can do a risk assessment. I lied and I’m so so stupid. I’m frightened of phoning any agency because I’ve lied and I’m scared I’ll get in to trouble

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/05/2023 01:38

My understanding and IANAL, is that if you were not married at the child's birth and if he is not on the birth certificate, he has no parental responsibility. This means that in order to get access he will have to go to court to force a DNA test and then file for court orders for access. This means that as of right now, legally he has no right to DD and you don't 'have' to let him see her. But as others have said, speak to WA, and also a solicitor if you can.

As far as 'leaving', since the council tenancy is in your name I assume what you mean is that he is living there and you want him to leave? Or are you saying that you want to pack up and leave the house?

Listen, you may get in a teeny bit of 'trouble' for having lied but you aren't the first and won't be the last woman to do so. And right now you're living with more than 'trouble', aren't you? You're living with danger. Best to come clean and get the help you need to get rid of him, once and for all.

Blort · 13/05/2023 01:41

Telling social services about your relationship will be the fastest way to gain a tonne of support. Women keep their nasty bfs secret all the time.

Your child needs help, it's time.

Original poster
Stressedafff · 13/05/2023 01:57

I’ve lied to everybody. My family. My friends. I’ve just fucked my life up so much. I can’t take it anymore I need out. For me and my baby.

OP posts:
elm26 · 13/05/2023 02:02

OP, you can do this. When it's safe to, you leave with your child to be somewhere safe with family or friends OR you make a police statement and ask for them to be present whilst you ask him to leave. Then set the ball rolling as quick as possible with restraining orders etc. do you have proof of the abuse at all? Contact women's aid. Contact a solicitor. Do whatever you need to to ensure that this low life and his family stay away from you.

You are a strong woman, even if it feels gnat you are not because you've been emotionally and physically beaten down for a long time.

SS are used to vulnerable women lying about leaving abusive partners. It's what usually happens. Please reach out to them.

Sending you love and strength x

AllBlackEverything · 13/05/2023 03:00

Stressedafff · 13/05/2023 01:57

I’ve lied to everybody. My family. My friends. I’ve just fucked my life up so much. I can’t take it anymore I need out. For me and my baby.

The thing is, you can't go back and change any of that, all you can do is change your behaviour moving forwards.

The people who matter will forgive you and they will support you, but they can only do that if you are honest about the situation.

It's so good that you are able to admit that you have made mistakes, and that you are looking to make positive changes.

LadyJ2023 · 13/05/2023 03:32

Your thos strong to admit now this relationship is all wrong. Keep being strong and ring social tell the truth and kick him out also its your house anyway.

Original poster
Stressedafff · 13/05/2023 10:58

What do I say to SS? I’ve absolutely no evidence of abuse at all. I don’t have text messages or voicemails or anything. He’s not physically abusive. He has been before but not since last august. I have absolutely no notes whatsoever cos I’ve told absolutely everyone I’m not with him. What a fuckin mess this is

OP posts:
QueenMegan · 13/05/2023 11:02

Speak to women's aid now. Email them they will help you in stages

Many abusers don't want to see their kids but cross that bridge when you come to it.

QueenMegan · 13/05/2023 11:04

Your story is very common. You are scared and nit thinking straight. Start with them they will help with the agencies who will need to get involved to protect you and your child.

QueenMegan · 13/05/2023 11:05

You are very lucky he's not on the tenancy so many are trapped because the abuser has a right to the house.

Reugny · 13/05/2023 11:05

AcrossthePond55 · 13/05/2023 01:38

My understanding and IANAL, is that if you were not married at the child's birth and if he is not on the birth certificate, he has no parental responsibility. This means that in order to get access he will have to go to court to force a DNA test and then file for court orders for access. This means that as of right now, legally he has no right to DD and you don't 'have' to let him see her. But as others have said, speak to WA, and also a solicitor if you can.

As far as 'leaving', since the council tenancy is in your name I assume what you mean is that he is living there and you want him to leave? Or are you saying that you want to pack up and leave the house?

Listen, you may get in a teeny bit of 'trouble' for having lied but you aren't the first and won't be the last woman to do so. And right now you're living with more than 'trouble', aren't you? You're living with danger. Best to come clean and get the help you need to get rid of him, once and for all.

A DNA test is not needed unless the mother denies paternity.

Unfortunately the way the Family Courts act if it gets to court then you are better off saying who the father actually and then dealing with contact issues as you don't want the judge thinking you are hostile to the father having a relationship with your joint child.

Anyway this is a moot point as the OP needs to concentrate on keeping herself and her child safe.

SpringCherryPie · 13/05/2023 11:09

Women’s Aid first. They will help and then you will be able to tell SS you’ve already taken steps, and they will help you with SS.

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