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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this inappropriate? I feel a bit embarrassed

75 replies

milkydress · 12/05/2023 22:32

Went on a date with a man I met online. We had a lovely time and I just didn't want it to end - I really don't think he did either. He had parked his car on my street so he walked back with me. As he was about to leave I asked if he wanted to have a cup of tea with me. He said he did...we had tea nothing happened and he left after about 1.5 hrs. Since then he has been texting and asking to meet again. But I just feel that was too soon to invite him into my space. Now I feel a bit embarrassed.
Is this a normal thing to do or should have I waited a bit? How long should you wait to invite someone after a date - I don't mean to have sex or anything- just a cup of tea and a chat. Sorry I'm really new to this dating stuff and I don't know what I'm doing.

OP posts:
Sandybabey · 13/05/2023 13:16

@Doggymummar how do you get the police to check out your online date then?

Conkered · 13/05/2023 13:32

How was it when he left? Do you think he'd had expectations and was disappointed, or was it just a natural process and he was a total gent? Are you worried what he might think of you because you asked him in, or that you gave him mixed signals? (It doesn't sound like it btw).

He clearly wants to see you again, what would that reassure you next time of his intentions?

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 13/05/2023 13:43

What you did was very tame. Really don’t know why you’re even thinking about it.

diddl · 13/05/2023 13:44

I went back to my husband's on our first date & we had sex.

I think people are more aware now so I would be thinking more that you invited someone you didn't really into your house rather than you "went to far" for a first date.

Outerlimit · 13/05/2023 13:47

@milkydress Seems like a nice night for two good people. Inadvertently, you exposed yourself to more risk than you might have (letting him know your address and see your limited edition Star Wars figurine collection). A second date with a respectful man who didn't try to jump on your bones sounds fab. Good luck to you both.

Dentistlakes · 13/05/2023 13:53

Don’t be daft! It went really well, you had tea and he went home. Absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

Showmethefood · 13/05/2023 13:55

I think OP your confusing your emotions a little. You have nothing to be “ashamed”about. Having tea with someone you connect with is fine. However, you may be feeling that you should have been more “cautious” and feel that you potentially put yourself in a vulnerable position.

Take time, reflect and see if there’s anything you can learn from your experience. I’m glad you had a nice date though 😊

kingtamponthefurred · 13/05/2023 14:12

Tea on a first date is a bit forward, but provided you didn't offer custard creams, he may not lose all respect for you.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/05/2023 14:13

Yes, you weren't very safety conscious. That's a conversation between you and yourself about your future choices.

The date between you and the bloke went well though, he responded nicely to the situation and is keen to see you again. If you liked him, go for it!

Don't muddle up your slight feelings of foolishness towards yourself (invisible to all but you) with your memory of your behaviour and feelings towards him (all good).

LadyJ2023 · 13/05/2023 14:24

What a lovely first date tbh sounds like a keeper to me clearly respected you big big plus these days and I'm young. Wants another date go for it. I wish more men were like that

ClairDeLaLune · 13/05/2023 14:56

That sounds lovely OP. There’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about. He didn’t try to take advantage of the situation, and he wants to see you again. Green flags all round! Please update us of what happens next, I have a good feeling about this 😊

Catlord · 13/05/2023 15:32

Teeturtle · 13/05/2023 12:28

I didn’t say she should be ashamed? Confused I am suggesting that she should be more safety conscious. And also it is not unknown for men to attack on the second meeting, so I would still say it is early days to say there is nothing to worry about.

The thread is about being embarrassed, not feeling unsafe. It's in the title.

milkydress · 13/05/2023 16:03

Hello all! Thank you for your replies! They have really made me feel better! So we met last week and since then I haven't been feeling too well...he has been absolutely lovely! Sending a few texts everyday but not in my face. He called me this morning and asked if I want to meet again tomorrow and to let him know in the morning if I don't feel up to it.
I think a part of me is like...this can't be true as I have had 15 years of men treating me like poo - mainly bc I have let them. He actually responds to texts and calls like a normal person shouid and I have never had that. It's super duper early days so I'm not going to get my hopes high but it just feels so nice to be held in mind and treated like a human. I am a bit overwhelmed and I shouldn't be as this is just basic stuff that I haven't experienced.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 13/05/2023 16:04

It is not socially embarassing but a security risk. You have to be a bit more conscious about your own safety as you do not know this person from Adam and only just met him.

No to him knowing where you live and no to him being in your home behind locked doors. Also, no to offering him to come home with you as some men will take that as an open invitation to casual sex.

Stay safe.

milkydress · 13/05/2023 16:06

@Catlord yes absolutely I did not feel unsafe by bringing him into my flat. I felt embarrassed afterwards as I thought he may have judged me for it. I have never done that but it just felt fine with him.
I am always so guarded with men that I put them off and I don't know why I put all my fears aside with this one

OP posts:
milkydress · 13/05/2023 16:08

@blueshoes yes you make some valid points and I was a bit silly but for the first time I followed my instincts. Nevertheless, I should have been more careful

OP posts:
milkydress · 13/05/2023 16:10

Can I just add - we had a two phone conversations and I knew where he worked and where his sister worked. I did a thorough google search before meeting.
However you are all right about personal safety

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 13/05/2023 16:11

It was a cup of tea. That's all.

It sounds like a good first date.

Conkered · 13/05/2023 16:16

Aw he sounds nice. Hope you feel up to seeing him tomorrow. Just take your time if you're feeling a bit overwhelmed. Take any pressure off and enjoy 😊

Ilovelurchers · 13/05/2023 16:20

It's absolutely fine, and if he was willing to come to your house for a cup of tea then were afterwards to judge you for it, he would be utterly fucking weird, hypocritical and ridiculous.

As to the possible safety risk, I am surprised by the harshness of some of the replies at all - almost like, in the highly unlikely event he had proved dangerous, you would have been at fault for your apparent "foolishness" for inviting someone in to your home.

The majority of women and girls who are harmed by men are harmed by men who are very well known to them. To completely avoid any risk in our lives we would be best off having no male friends or relatives.

Yes there is a tiny tiny percentage chance he could be dangerous. And that's true whether you invite him into your home on the first date or the twenty first. Or like many abusers you might be with him months, years, even marry him before he showed his true dangerous colours.

Sorry, I am going on but this they way some posters were speaking to you just seemed rude and condescending and it got on my nerves. Your fine OP - you did absolutely nothing wrong. If you had invited him back for wild passionate sex after your first date, you would also not have been wrong.

Teeturtle · 13/05/2023 16:39

Catlord · 13/05/2023 15:32

The thread is about being embarrassed, not feeling unsafe. It's in the title.

And I have commented on the embarrassment factor, but like lots of other people I am also going to comment on the safety factor, it is good advice to OP, not sure why you are picking on me.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 13/05/2023 23:46

Ilovelurchers · 13/05/2023 16:20

It's absolutely fine, and if he was willing to come to your house for a cup of tea then were afterwards to judge you for it, he would be utterly fucking weird, hypocritical and ridiculous.

As to the possible safety risk, I am surprised by the harshness of some of the replies at all - almost like, in the highly unlikely event he had proved dangerous, you would have been at fault for your apparent "foolishness" for inviting someone in to your home.

The majority of women and girls who are harmed by men are harmed by men who are very well known to them. To completely avoid any risk in our lives we would be best off having no male friends or relatives.

Yes there is a tiny tiny percentage chance he could be dangerous. And that's true whether you invite him into your home on the first date or the twenty first. Or like many abusers you might be with him months, years, even marry him before he showed his true dangerous colours.

Sorry, I am going on but this they way some posters were speaking to you just seemed rude and condescending and it got on my nerves. Your fine OP - you did absolutely nothing wrong. If you had invited him back for wild passionate sex after your first date, you would also not have been wrong.

Or like many abusers you might be with him months, years, even marry him before he showed his true dangerous colours.

And the sense of betrayal will be so much greater compared to being hurt by a stranger.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/05/2023 23:48

I was literally waiting for you to say you did Anal in the stairwell and didn't make it to the bedroom

Tea is fine.

Random anal on the stairs, not so much

Thoughtful2355 · 14/05/2023 00:48

It's a green flag for him. He managed to go into your property for a drink and a chat and leave again and still message you afterwards... Without having sex. Green flag

Scarletthoo2 · 14/05/2023 01:04

First night I met my OH I invited him back on the 2nd date to mine to watch a comedy!

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