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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have closed down this exchange with man from tinder

30 replies

gunnipl · 12/05/2023 08:21

We exchanged plenty of messages over three days. He and I were keen. We exchanged a few more photos, more natural ones I suppose but totally clean.
His interest waned a bit. He started delaying getting back and then asked me a few more questions which he had asked me already, to which I gave answers .
He was getting confused between women I expect.

So it was dragging a bit and I suggested we meet for a coffee or a walk or something.
For man that text back immediately , I had no response for an hour despite him being online so eventually I just said let's leave this . His manners had become worse as the messages progressed so I really didn't like that and told him so

OP posts:
Tellmeimcrazy · 12/05/2023 08:24

Sounds like you got way too invested in someone you were just talking to.

Maddy70 · 12/05/2023 08:33

You are way too over invested. It's just initial chat

Original poster
gunnipl · 12/05/2023 08:58

Thanks for the honest replies.
I just felt that after three days of chatting, it was time to set something up.
I need to lower my expectations I think.

OP posts:
PointyMcguire · 12/05/2023 09:14

The wanting to organise a meet up early doors isn’t unreasonable at all, back when I was OLD I’d do the same as otherwise I’d start building them up into something they weren’t in my mind. But the monitoring when they were online, throwing toys out the pram that they took an hour to reply and being irked they were talking to others does sound overly invested for a guy you’ve been chatting to for a few days.

FloydPepper · 12/05/2023 09:29

PointyMcguire · 12/05/2023 09:14

The wanting to organise a meet up early doors isn’t unreasonable at all, back when I was OLD I’d do the same as otherwise I’d start building them up into something they weren’t in my mind. But the monitoring when they were online, throwing toys out the pram that they took an hour to reply and being irked they were talking to others does sound overly invested for a guy you’ve been chatting to for a few days.

This. I think if I’d not been able to respond for an hour and had that happen I’d think I’d had a lucky escape tbh.

HorribleNecktie · 12/05/2023 09:31

OP, go and Google Female Dating Strategy.

You’ll thank me later.

LittleMonks11 · 12/05/2023 09:34

He thinks as you don't look like [insert name of gorgeous actress/model here] he can do better. Dodged a bullet OP. Delete all the messages and go and have some fun with friends this weekend, then start again next week.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/05/2023 09:41

Perhaps he was aiming for dirty pics rather than clean ones and dialled back after clocking you aren't like that.

No big loss for you either way.

user1471434829 · 12/05/2023 09:42

You sound like a nutter! I send a message or two a day on online dating, someone not replying for an hour is totally normal...

Original poster
gunnipl · 12/05/2023 09:43

Thanks everyone .
I think he thinks he's dodged a bullet actually but that's ok, I don't want someone with whom I've had consistent chat with for a a few days , to keep their options open for just a coffee . We clicked on line. He thought he could do better so nothing lost .
I clearly must be too invested though and need to lower my expectations if I want to keep doing this but will find that hard .
That's not what I want from on line dating .
He was not busy. He was online and I wasn't monitoring him . I was on line myself so I could see the red button.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 12/05/2023 09:44

Just because you're showing online doesn't necessarily mean you're actually online. Social media often shows people online for a while after they've logged off.

Original poster
gunnipl · 12/05/2023 09:44

Actually he did say something alluding to not having had sex in an age so I said I'd no interest in sex chat . Maybe I wasn't his type then.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 12/05/2023 09:46

gunnipl · 12/05/2023 09:44

Actually he did say something alluding to not having had sex in an age so I said I'd no interest in sex chat . Maybe I wasn't his type then.

That's probably the reason he went a bit cold then. Did you say it was too early to talk about sex or just say you're not looking for sex?

Original poster
gunnipl · 12/05/2023 09:47

I said it was too early to talk about sex

OP posts:
greennotepad · 12/05/2023 10:06

You can stop talking to someone for whatever reason you like. As PP have suggested you seem quite intense for just talking to someone you have never met for 3 days- you don't necessarily have to lower your expectations, but you will need a thicker skin for online dating.

Original poster
gunnipl · 12/05/2023 10:10

But from the responses here, it sounds like I'm doing something wrong .
That my expectations to meet after a few days texting are too high ...
All the advice I've ever got and it has turned out to be true, is to nip days and days of texting in the bud, if there is no plan for a coffee .
Three days of messaging was the boundary I set for myself but now wonder if it's unreasonable .

OP posts:
Trinityloop · 12/05/2023 10:12

The norm on apps like tinder is to talk to multiple people at once. it's how the app is set up really, it prompts you to start multiple conversations at once. Potentially even have a few first dates close in secession

It's either

  1. talk to one person only, ignore new connections on the app, then attempt to message them weeks later if first connection doesn't work out (making them feel like second choice). Ignore anybody else who messages you first (and probably be unable to return to talk
    Them later as they'll think you're ignoring them)

  2. chat organically as each conversation is prompted by the app

Trinityloop · 12/05/2023 10:17

gunnipl · 12/05/2023 10:10

But from the responses here, it sounds like I'm doing something wrong .
That my expectations to meet after a few days texting are too high ...
All the advice I've ever got and it has turned out to be true, is to nip days and days of texting in the bud, if there is no plan for a coffee .
Three days of messaging was the boundary I set for myself but now wonder if it's unreasonable .

I think it's totally personal preference. I had people who i spoke to over longer periods (because our diaries didn't match or even I was just unsure) and others I met within days

I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest a face to face date after multiple messages, it will be up to the other person if it feels a comfortable time for them

I do think they aren't any obligation though, it's fine to still be chatting to others if youve only been talking for 3 days, and to decline a f2f or delay it.

They don't owe you loyalty at 3 days, and haven't committed to anything

They aren't unreasonable to drop a connection, you aren't unreasonable for wanting to meet

The unreasonable bit for me, is about being annoyed or feeling entitled to something. I think you've just made it more serious in your head then it is

Furbfurbfurb · 12/05/2023 10:18

The others have a good point about getting annoyed because someone doesn’t answer in an hour- some people literally don’t get a chance to answer for hours at a time.

I wouldn’t get upset though, you’ve lost nothing. Three days is far too soon to be catching feelings. I think you did pick up that he was losing interest and that intuition was confirmed by subsequent events. So, I don’t think you threw your toys out of the pram, you just confirmed what you already suspected. He just wasn’t that into you

Jellycatspyjamas · 12/05/2023 10:22

He was not busy. He was online and I wasn't monitoring him .

You don’t know that he wasn’t busy though, that’s an assumption on your part. I often show online but I’m also busy - I might be engaged in a conversation with a friend and not answer another message if it pops up, or am researching something online, or catching up on emails. Just seeing that someone is online doesn’t mean they are available to respond to you.

Greenfairydust · 12/05/2023 10:24

Don't use tinder if you are after a relationship. Most men on that app are looking for casual sex.

Don't waste your time talking to them for days. If they don't suggest meeting after a few messages, they are just time wasters.

Don't exchange pictures with someone you haven't even met. Just point out to them that you already have images on your profile.

Jazzyjezzabelle · 12/05/2023 10:25

On one side yes of course setting up a date early is good. On another throwing your toys out the pram as he didn’t respond for an hour and seeing he was online is too needy. He could have been dealing with anything, or waiting to confirm something on his diary.

so yes, early meet is good. Immediate response requirements is not.

Seas164 · 12/05/2023 10:34

I know you know this, but there are men on tinder who swipe Yes to each and every profile that pops up, every day. They are playing a numbers game.

They're talking to many and zoning in on the most likely prospect while keeping others in the wings. It's possibly the most casual method of getting a shag dating, and might not be for you.

Peachpicklepie · 12/05/2023 10:44

I met my partner on tinder and we've been together for over five years and are about to have our second child together, so it absolutely can lead to a long term relationship. But, I would have found being asked to meet after three days intense. A week of chatting was more the sort of length I was comfortable with before meeting. It could be he saw your message and felt similar to me and was just sitting on it thinking about how to reply, it could have been he was busy, or it could have been he was browsing the internet. All are fine. I think you might just need to adjust your expected timescales a bit. And maybe chat to a few more people at once!

FloydPepper · 12/05/2023 10:48

gunnipl · 12/05/2023 10:10

But from the responses here, it sounds like I'm doing something wrong .
That my expectations to meet after a few days texting are too high ...
All the advice I've ever got and it has turned out to be true, is to nip days and days of texting in the bud, if there is no plan for a coffee .
Three days of messaging was the boundary I set for myself but now wonder if it's unreasonable .

The expectation to meet early is fine, I agree with that

the expectation that someone you barely know won’t ever take more than an hour to respond and that it’s fine to get annoyed at that as they seemed to be online is not ok