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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drop H in it?

36 replies

BabyRonnie · 12/05/2023 07:29

I'm a SAHM to 2 under 3. H is a pathetic arsehole who I'm having trouble even looking at recently because of how he is, I can't stand the sight of him. To top it off, he clearly takes for granted how much I do during the day and how stressful it is caring for 2 very young DC alone for more than an hour.

I get up with them at 5.30am every day as he 'doesn't hear them' (BULLSHIT)! Today I've woken him to get up with them at 6.50am as they slept a bit later than usual and he's gone straight into his office to set up his computer for work despite the fact he doesn't start until 9am.

I'm really tempted to get up, get dressed, jump in the car and fuck off for the day leaving him to deal with everything. There's noone he could call to help so he'd have no choice but to just get on with it!

AIBU? (I know I am but at this point, I'd enjoy a cappuchino in peace knowing that he's stressed out at home)! Petty party for one 🥳

OP posts:
Illbeready · 12/05/2023 07:30

Does he work weekends? If not carry out your plan tomorrow and fuck off for the day.

MiIIiex · 12/05/2023 07:31

This is hard to know with no context. Why do you hate him? How does he take you for granted? Does he not help you at all, even outside of his working hours?

Weallgottachangesometime · 12/05/2023 07:33

Erm I wouldn’t do it when he has to work or as a flinch reaction, however yea start doing more things out the home, in a planned way, where he has to care for the children. My partner was like this a little, he needed to be pushed into taking responsibility when they were little. He also did the “oh I didn’t hear them” thing when they were tiny.

If I were you I’d start doing some early morning walks, if that’s your cup of tea. “I’m going for a walk at 7 tomorrow so you’ll have to have the kids first thing”. Book a day with friends etc where he has them and has a day off work.

Generally I think people get how hard looking after young children is unless they have actually done it. Doesn’t sound like he’s doing that at the moment.

Longtimeloiterer · 12/05/2023 07:34

Do you still want him to have a job? Dumping in "in it" at such short notice is unreasonable.

Keep your family arguments for out of work hours.

hereiamagainn · 12/05/2023 07:35

You hate you husband, your marriage is clearly over, just separate? A better solution surely.

SquirrelFeed · 12/05/2023 07:37

Yeah, life is too short to live with some you can’t stand ( I think your reasons for disliking him are completely valid). Move on, he can look after his kids on his days. You get a break and a less stressful life.

ZekeZeke · 12/05/2023 07:39

Your first paragraph paints a pretty miserable picture.
Why are you with him?
You separate, he gets access and you get regular lie ins.

MuggleMe · 12/05/2023 07:39

This infuriates me when men act like this. It's either easy to look after children in which case he won't mind doing it for a couple of hours, or it's hard in which case you deserve a break. Definitely inform him you're at breaking point and will be leaving the house at 8am tomorrow and won't be back until at least 2.

Switchingup · 12/05/2023 07:42

You need to separate

But if he is off work tomorrow- plan a day out for yourself go somewhere nice- plonk the kids In bed with him when your ready and say right I'm off out for the day I'll be back tonight and go get some heads pace

If i was you I would also be looking for a job

33goingon64 · 12/05/2023 07:46

If he's not starting work til 9 he has time to do some parenting. On days DH works at home he locks himself away and doesn't even speak to the DC in the morning, but he starts at 7.30 and doesn't finish til 7pm. Even that annoys me so if he's opting out so early in the day he's just a lazy turd. I think you could start disappearing on some mornings as long as you're back in time for him to start work.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 12/05/2023 07:50

Don't do that, but find a way of communicating to him that he needs to do more parenting and give you a break. If he doesn't, then he doesn't care about you. Make any future decisions based on that knowledge.

Sissynova · 12/05/2023 08:09

No that’s not a reasonable course of action. You can’t just dump the kids with no notice when your spouse has work.
There’s not loads of info really do go off but you don’t seem to be doing much to help yourself. If he doesn’t start work until 9 he can sort the kids out in the mornings a couple of times a week.
I don’t really understand women who make themselves a martyr because their partner doesn’t hear the kids wake. Presumably you’re beside him and he could hear you? Just nudge him and tell him it’s his turn.

diddl · 12/05/2023 08:36

I probably wouldn't just FO if he needs to work.

Although I might have done when you first posted & be back for 9!

Do you ever send them in to him & have a shower in peace?

Breakfast as a family?

If he did more would it help or has the rot set in?

redskylight · 12/05/2023 08:54

You can't leave him with 2 children under 3 if he's meant to be working.
(This would demonstrate that you don't value his contribution as being in the person who brings in the money, probably not a good place to start if you want him to appreciate you more).

But agree with others that it might be an idea for tomorrow.

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 12/05/2023 09:01

H is a pathetic arsehole who I'm having trouble even looking at recently because of how he is, I can't stand the sight of him
Start divorce proceedings. This isn't a marriage.

Maddy70 · 12/05/2023 09:06

Yes yabu he's working. He can't just drop that for you to have a coffee

You need a conversation a calm one

endofthelinefinally · 12/05/2023 09:07

Are you beyond the point of having a conversation with him? If so, I guess you need to think about separating.
DH worked very long hours when our first 2 DC were little, but that was a decision we made together. Maternity leave was 5 months and paternity leave was 2 weeks.
It was tough, but temporary.

GMsAWinner · 12/05/2023 09:11

What makes him a pathetic aresehole? Sounds like more than a DH finding family life and work hard, so rather than dealing with it, he's withdrawing. Either way, if you're thinking this, then I'd leave him with the DC sometime and spend the time working out how best to leave him.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/05/2023 09:17

I wouldn’t leave him with the children for the day today, if he is working and you aren’t, no.

If you really hate him this much, I would be looking to separate asap and going back to work full time to protect yourself financially. I wouldn’t even want to be dependent on someone I couldn’t stand.

Dozycuntlaters · 12/05/2023 09:32

I was reading this and expect your post to say jump in the car (with the kids) and leave him for good. Honestly, why are you with him? It sounds like an absolutely miserable existence. Leaving for a day will do no good at all. All that will happen is he will do his own thing, let the kids get on with it and then will tell you how easy it is and ask what all the fuss is about. If you're at the stage where you hate him and can't even look at him then you need to leave......forever.

Fedupwife28 · 12/05/2023 09:33

It is super frustrating living with someone like this BUT today is not the day for this kind of behaviour. You’ll only add fuel to the fire and he will only use it against you that you walked out and left the kids when he had work. Don’t do it today. But to let him know that he has them tomorrow as you’re busy. Plus you’re busy every Wednesday evening moving forward. I have one of these husbands, they would literally take the steam off your piss if they could. They aren’t partners, but you have a choice regarding the future of your marriage and family unit.

Alargeoneplease89 · 12/05/2023 10:04

Your a SAHM ... its technically your job.
I'm a SAHM so I'm not being funny, it's just part of life. If I was working full time I would be annoyed.

Taddyy · 12/05/2023 10:21

Why don't you just get a job and have the kids in childcare?

What in the world would you do if your husband wasn't working from home? And he had to leave at 7:30 for a commute and get back late due to traffic ect?

Would you still be complaining that you are not happy despite choosing to be a SAHM? (A luxury many cannot afford)

He probably resents having to finance you all the time just as much as you resent him

TeaKitten · 12/05/2023 10:27

I think you’ve probably missed out some
vital context here because from your OP you are being massively unreasonable. He’s working, you are a SAHM, so why would you fuck off and leave him stuck? Looking after the kids is your job. Really shit for your kids being in this atmosphere, you both need to do better for them. I’d the marriage is crap then either work at it or break up for their sake.

CovertImage · 12/05/2023 10:32

Looking after the kids is your job

I think OP is a bit U but this is utter BS. Looking after the kids isn't her job 24/7. When he's not t work they should be sharing it