Keep shouting at toddler

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Hello! I'm pretty much a single mum of two - an 18 month old and a 10 week old and I love them so much however I keep finding myself losing it at my toddler.

Tonight as I was locking up the house before bed, he was washed, clean and ready for sleep when he picked up his dirty shoes and started playing with them. Now, I know I overreacted (he's a baby, he literally was doing nothing wrong, he just followed me to the door and probaby thought we were going out even though it's night time) and I shouted at him and snatched the shoes off him and as I left him he just stood there looking hurt and confused and I know I'm a bad mum for even doung that to him when he's such a good boy and on a scale of bad behaviour, this doesn't even hit one.

It's not an excuse, but his father was meant to stay the night tonight so we were waiting up for him only to receive a text at 10pm saying he can't make it for a reason that makes no sense to me and for what I believe is just another lie. I know I'm the children's mother but it has been just me for the last three weeks straight without him staying over and helping and when he is here, it's only for the night and he's gone after they wake up to go back to work. I'm trying to give the baby attention whilst also giving normality to my toddler because he's still a baby too, and I don't want home to feel alone or neglected.

I know I took my anger and frustration towards their father out on my son and I know I'm being unreasonable because it keeps happening - just need some reassurance that I'm not the only mother to have done this and some tips on how I can stop? Other than me needing a break - my mom is having them this Saturday so I'll have my first evening without the kids since Christmas, I just want to know if and how any other mom's or dad's in this situation dealt with it?

My kid's father doesn't seem to see a fault with his parenting, just tells me I need to accept my responsibility as a woman and mother which is just disgusting and if I knew that's how he would speak to me before I had the kids, I never would have even given him the time of day and have made it very clear that he needs to accept his position as a father. I worry I'm becoming like my mother who took her frustrations with our father out on us and the guilt is ruining me.

It’s really hard sometimes not to let frustration show and it’s probably not overly helpful to present the image to your kids that you are never phased by anything irritating they do. Demonstrate the behaviour you want him to display if he snaps at you due to being frustrated. Say you are sorry you were cross and acknowledge you shouldn’t have shouted. Reassure him all is ok and give him a hug. For not doing it going forward I find walking away for a few seconds or closing my eyes and counting to five before I address things I’m annoyed about helps me. It’s also helped me to aim to always ask my kids what they are doing/why before I stop them or tell them off barring them doing something dangerous or causing damage. They are older but we’ve done it since they were fairly small. I find sometimes when they explain I understand better and I feel less irritated by the mess/noise they are making and other times asking makes them realise they shouldn’t be doing something so they acknowledge that and say sorry and stop. It’s all far from foolproof and I also have days I snap at them more because I’m stressed out and tired than because they’ve really done anything naughty. I doubt there are many parents who don’t ever lose their temper. If you feel like it’s happening loads and you can’t stop maybe try and get a hold of a health visitor and see if they have some resources to help you? Also your kids father sounds like a major source of stress and not very involved. Are you still a couple?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4639938-how-do-i-stop-snapping-and-shouting-at-my-toddler

Hey,

Sorry to hear about your struggles. It's a hard place to be in and it often happens when the kids are at this age and your support is limited.

Above is a link with some great advise on this topic. It's very helpful practical advise.

Hope you get a break soon.

Best of luck x

It is so hard and I can even see the look in my head- that hurt look that makes you feel sick straight away. It’s terrible but we have all been there, I hope you find a way around

Can anyone trustworthy in your family help you to give you some time out from one of both children?

It's not natural for a woman to have to look after a very young child and a young baby entirely on her own all the time (the Dad sounds like his contribution is minimal) ..... In normal,natural circumstances female family members and others would be helping a bit.

You're naturally faking to crack up in these circumstances.

You can't force the Dad to do anything more, he's clearly a useless, selfish, horrible bastard too.

*Or both

It sounds like you do not live with the father of your children. Based on this why would you keep the children up so late? They need their routine, normal bed times etc. the father should make arrangements to be at your house at a reasonable time if he wants to see his children.

I'm sure there is a huge back story to this.

It sounds like you are a single mother and need to live your life as if you are, eg normal routines for the children, access arrangements for them to see their father at sensible times relevant to the children's ages, financial support for the children etc.

I hope that the father is financially supporting the children and that this is all documented.

Thank you everyone for your replies! He goes to bed at 7pm but he woke up when he heard me come in the room to check on him so I let him come downstairs with me because he wouldn't settle.

No, his dad doesn't live with us - it was the plan but due to COVID and cost of living, we haven't been able to get a place together but I'm sure that's just an excuse on his part. I'm self-employed at the moment and on maternity allowance, so I'm currently grounded in terms of where I'm living and he doesn't want to take initiative and find somewhere for us to live together. He works but I always wonder for who? Because it's not us. Yes, lol, a HUGE back story.

My family's great but they work during the week and weekends so their help is limited sigh. He hasn't even bothered to get his family to meet the children, except his brother but that's only because I saw him by accident first otherwise I doubt it would've happened. So his family is no help at all. @minmooch , he does give me money for them but the financial help is the bare minimum, I'm sure you would agree lol. I would take some help everyday from him over the money. He really is a piece of sh*t, crazy how lovebombing works, isn't it?

But thank you, everyone; @whatkatydid2013 , I'll definitely start the asking method, even though he can't talk he does love being asked questions lol, and @UmmMaryam2019 , thank you for that thread - I'll have a read!

Well I'm afraid he sounds a pretty poor father and a pretty poor partner.

He hasn't introduced his children to his family? That is not right.

There seem to be many red flags waving here.

I know your post was about how not to shout at your toddler but I think it's your relationship with your partner that needs sorting out. It doesn't really seem like much of a relationship, it may be easier to end it officially and then you can sort visits and finances properly.

Don't accept such little effort from him for yourself or your children.

While I’m generally one to encourage people to try and resolve relationship issues it does sound like you currently don’t have much of a partner and if he’s that disengaged you might be better off to make a clean break. At least that way you have no expectations and can’t be regularly let down and disappointed. I hope you find something that helps. Don’t beat yourself up though. Kids can be infuriating at times and you aren’t a bad person because you sometimes let that show

Have you looked into post partem anxiety and depression? It made me so snappy and short tempered with everyone. I got so much better with councelling and medication.