How do I stop snapping and shouting at my toddler?

[MummyDrinksWine]

I’ve never really been a snappy/shouty parent. I guess I sort of follow gentle parenting but in my own way and definitely not perfectly 😂

But the last couple of months I find I’ve got a really short temper with her, even just her squashing into a space on the sofa next to me makes me irritated shout at her.

I have a 6 month old and I can’t blame it on lvl of sleep because he sleeps fine, she sleeps fine, she’s not really naughty as such but she’s definitely pushing boundaries at the moment and in an rut of not listening. I have to ask her several time to do something or to answer me and she’s going through a “No!” Phase. I know it’s just toddler behaviour and honestly when I’m not snapping and I take a step back and look at the situation she’s actually really well behaved, she’s so polite and kind but I’m in a constant angry state at the moment and I don’t know how to get myself out of it and I’m desperate now as everytime I snap or shout at her she looks so disappointed and it’s breaking my heart.

Whats wrong with me and why have I become the parent I never wanted to be? ☹️

Sorry it would probably help to say she’s nearly 3.

How often do you get a break and some child free time to yourself?

Perhaps if you can schedule in some ‘me’ time, you’ll come back to the kids more refreshed and relaxed?

everytime I snap or shout at her she looks so disappointed and it’s breaking my heart.

Well stop it then, you are an adult and can control your behaviour.

If your short temper has come on suddenly, and your childs behaviour hasn't really changed have you rules out medical causes for your change in behaviour. When my thyroid levels are low I have a really struggle to stay patient with daft things, its actually one of my warning signs to get my levels checked.

It might be worth getting your thyroid, iron, B12, folate etc checked if this is abnormal behaviour for you as it might be something simple

@RainbowsMoonbeams Never, I’m still on maternity and DP works full time and rota’d Saturdays. I am in the process of looking for a nanny just for a couple of hours on a Friday evening so I can go and enjoy a class on my own.

@TwinkleChristmas I tell myself that all the time, that I can control my own behaviour. I put her to bed every night and apologise that mummy’s been grumpy and that tomorrow there will be no shouting and just talking. But then it just happens, I try so hard but then I only get so far through the day before I just end up losing my temper and shouting again.

@Owlsinmybedroom that a good point, I had no idea that it might be linked to anything medical. I don’t really feel any different otherwise though - I’m at the GP Tuesday so I’ll mention it then and see what they suggest.

Definitely look into a nanny. Just a few hours a week to yourself could help you immensely.

Parenting is hard, and it sounds like it is all falling on your shoulders. Does your DH help in the evenings?

@RainbowsMoonbeams He does help while he’s home I can’t fault him really. But he works quite a distance from home so by the time he gets back it’s time for tea then straight to bed for the kids. We have spoken about how hard it is to be constantly with the kids, I don’t really have anyone who can have them and I can’t afford nursery while on maternity so it is pretty constant. I’m back to work in November and DD will be back in nursery so I think that will do us both good.

the thing that helps me sometimes when I’m in a snappy mood is to imagine a film crew is following me around for a parenting show. Like a camera in every room. The other one I’ve read about but not trying is imagine you’re child, when they’re super annoying, is an elderly person with dementia. Sounds bonkers idea but you wouldn’t snap and shout at an old person who couldn’t help it and a toddler is similar in !

Sounds like you need a break. When you're needs aren't being met, you can get snappy and short tempered. Looking after children isn't easy and I think going back to work will help.

In the mean time you need a weekend to yourself to reset!

It's a tough age, especially with the added jealousy/change of a new baby. I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old and I've definitely become more shouty and irritated. I don't want to parent this way either. It's so hard because the demands with two children are so overwhelming and my brain says "why can't DD(3) see how hard this is and stop being so difficult" and then I have to constantly remind myself that she's just a tiny little girl and her world has been turned upside down with a new baby. She wants my love and attention and doesn't always express herself in a way I would like. I'm the adult. I have to keep my cool, regulate my own emotions, identify and deal with my own triggers.

One thing that has helped is massively lowering my expectations of her right now, and not asking anything of her until we've played together/connected in some way for at least 10 minutes. So, I used to go "oh let's tidy up this mess and then we'll play" but she would resist tidying and we'd get in a power struggle and would both be frustrated. Now I don't ask to tidy first, I wait until we've had some good connection time

As almost everyone else said, make sure you get enough breaks. Parenting is very hard at this age. You need time for yourself.

Have you read How to be a Calm Parent by Sarah Ockwell-Smith? This might be helpful, I think all the books I've read by her have been really helpful to be honest

I think you need to get to the root of why you are shouting at her. You know that she is just a toddler, so it's probably self reflection that is necessary here.

Just as an aside, are you and DH splitting nursery costs? You shouldn't pay for them all out of your wage.

You’re snapping because you’re burnt out. You need a break.

I was listening to a really helpful podcast about this yesterday podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/talking-sense-with-dr-martha/id1633092453?i=1000576088984

Thanks all, I’m going to have a listen to the podcast tonight and download the book mentioned above to have a read.

We’ve had a really lovely weekend and I’ve decided to take her to the safari park next weekend for some 1-1time, without her baby.

@Keroppi nursery costs come out of the joint account, as doesn’t everything else accept hobbies and ‘wants not needs’ for which we have our own ‘allowance’ for that stuff.

I think I’m definitely burnt out during the week, as I seem to be happier by Saturday evening/Sunday.. but then it’s Monday again 😂

OP I can really relate. I have an almost 3yo and a 2mo and since the baby has arrived I feel like I snap so much more at DC1. I think it's maybe because I expect too much from her but it is hard when they just don't hear you or deliberately say no etc. I also find it really hard when DC1 shoves toys in my face or down my top. She's just playing but I just feel like it's invading my personal space. Part of me wonders if its because I just had more time and headspace to deal with a toddler before the baby and now it's much harder because I need to split my time with 2 of them, each with very different needs. I would love some time off but don't see it happening any time soon. If you figure out how can you tell me please?!

How are things now OP?