AIBU to cut this friend completely out of my life?

[HJB2021]

We have been friends since we were children (now both 35), my friend has stayed in our home town her entire life, I’ve moved around a lot so we have had periods of not seeing each other but always in contact. We always classed each other as best friends etc. I moved back to our home town, we didn’t see lots of each other because she’s into going out drinking and I’m kind of past that now. I got my first mortgage she never came to see the house.

I struggled to conceive for years, she knew how much it meant to me having a child, I then finally get pregnant have a beautiful boy, she has not once come to see him (he’s now 2 years old). She drives past my house to get to work, she has a child and is happy, she’s a very content person, so it not because she’s jealous. She just couldn’t be bothered to make the effort, unless it’s drink or party related.

Ive received a few messages from her asking to meet, saying she wants to meet my son, he’s now 2! I just feel for someone who was your best friend that’s so ridiculous she hasn’t tried to meet him until now.

Should I continue to ignore her messages? If I’m open with how I feel then it still doesn’t resolve the fact she doesn’t really care, I can’t personally move past it.

I think a friend who is a good friend, has a child of their own so knows what a special/big thing that is in your life, and regularly goes past where you live would have been more interested than has been shown. So not a good friend.

I think you've grown apart and it's time to let the friendship fizzle out. If you happen to see each other you can catch up on each others news for old times sake but you're not seeking each other out for the pleasure of each others company, you don't have stuff in common anymore, so it can recede into the past as a good 'time and a place' friendship

I'd cut her out, sounds like you're not getting any positivity from the relationship.

Life can be busy and it's hard to see people as often as you'd like, but not getting round to seeing a friends baby for 2 years is pretty crap.

I spent SIX LONG YEARS listening to my best friend whine and moan and complain about the mother in law she insisted on moving in and taking care of.
Day in and day out, bitch, bitch bitch.
Then, one day I saw a really funny & clever joke written by an English/British woman (we’re in the U.S.) about a “mother in law,” so I sent it to my friend. She immediately got offended and angry and that was end of our friendship. I think she was looking to be offended and angry. Or maybe she had a guilty conscience.
Sometimes people are just too damn much trouble.

I’d be too curious to know why she was getting back in touch now to just ignore it. I’d agree to meet up, but I’d be asking for an explanation when we did.

Don't make a big deal of it. Respond to her invitation with a "catching up sounds a lovely idea, we really must do that soon. I'm a bit busy right now, though. All well with you?"

With respect OP, it sounds like she has already cut you out some time ago. It doesn't seem like she considers you a 'best friend' anymore and hasn't done for a long time and in that context the level of contact would make sense and be normal even. Life does move on for people and once regular contact stops and years pass I don't think it's reasonable to expect the same things on the basis that they used to be a 'best friend' or that it makes her a bad person.

I do think I'd find it odd if my best friends from when I was a bit younger or people I was much closer a few years ago that I'd not seen in a while, expressed to me that they felt angry I'd not popped over to meet their kids. To me it's clear we've grown apart as is often the way and that's fine , we still like each other, we just aren't close any more. I'd be very happy to bump into them or meet for a coffee but I wouldn't think it was appropriate to 'pop in' at their house if I passed and so on. I might send a card for a new baby if I had the address and had been told the news by them but it wouldn't be on my priority list to feel a need to meet the child. It might have been that way at one point, but it isn't any more, sort of thing.

Ultimately do what feels right for you. If it were me I'd just take her up on her offer to meet; perhaps the friendship can be rekindled back to where it was.

She hasn't been much of a friend, really, has she?

I'd question her motives in contacting you after two years of driving past your door but not contacting you.

Maybe she wants to rekindle your friendship but maybe she wants/needs something else from you. 🌹

@HJB2021 I'm curious about what attempts you've made and what's happened when she has reached out in terms of wanting to meet your son. From what you've said you haven't responded - so why should she continue chasing if she's getting nothing from you? If you haven't spoken in a while you have no idea what's happening for her. If you value this friendship then maybe you have to be the one to reach out and talk properly?

I dunno really. A year or two can pass strangely quickly sometimes, and on top of that, two years ago everything was still very strange, and many people weren't meeting up as freely as usual. It's taken a lot of people a while to get back in the swing of things, and it can also feel quite awkward when you've already left it too long, knowing how late is too late to get back in touch. Unless I knew that none of these things would apply to her given her personality, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, I think.

Personally, I'd just put all of the previous stuff to one side, quite often both sides see it differently anyway. As long as it isn't inconvenient or difficult, why not meet. If you have a nice time, and are now in a similar place, then the friendship may rekindle, if not, then you'll know, without much time spent.

This.

I've just reconnected with an old friend after 11 years and it was lovely. Don't lose a friend unnecessarily. There are too many lonely people in the world. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, get together and see how it goes.

Relationships ebb and flow and despite calling yourselves "best friends" it doesn't sound like the two of you have been particularly close for years now. In your shoes I'd probably meet her for coffee and a 'catch up' sometime and just see where things go.

Why does the choice have to be "cut her out of your life entirely" or resume your BFF/childhood friendship? You're both more mature, you have responsibilities;
maybe a more relaxed, casual friendship would suit you both at this point in your lives.

Yep, was wondering this myself

Everyone gets busy with life...so in someway I understand not meeting in 2 years.

If you feel you ve outgrown friendship just tell your friend instead of ignoring her messages.

I mean things go in people's lives, times change, friendships evolve and mellow. It's only a big deal if its a big deal to you. It sounds like if you're not best friends you don't want to be friends at all, fair enough but it's a shame. I've got lots of old friends I don't see often but still enjoy meeting once or twice a year.

I’d feel upset about this too but maybe she’s had things going on that you don’t know about. She’s reaching out to you.

You’ll feel happier not cutting her out of your life I’m sure. Give her a chance to explain and give yourself a chance to relay to her how you’ve been sad she hasn’t been to see you. It’s likely that after you’ve seen her you’ll feel settled in yourself as you’ll know where you are with it all. Keeping an open heart is so much better for your mental health.

I read on here that someone in a similar situation had tier one and tier two friends. Maybe your friend uses to be a tier one friend but is now a tier two friend. I would let them make the move though. Sounds as though you have different lifestyles so maybe friend thinks you don't have a lot in common now?

It depends on why you never saw each other . Were you always trying to catch up with her and she rejected or did you make no contact with her either ? I’ve learnt over the years friendships are not that simple sometimes for whatever reason . If you want to see her , go for it . If not , don’t . But I think she will probably pop in your head every now and again , so life is too short. Meet up and enjoy . Take it from there .

YANBU - I cut a previously close friend out of my life for similar reasons. Though exactly as PP have pointed out in your situation, it was really her that did the cutting out first, by prioritising a million things above making any effort to spend time together, repeatedly making me feel like shit. A few years on, she occasionally makes a (half arsed, lukewarm) attempt to reconnect and seems surprised that I don't leap at the chance.

You’ll feel happier not cutting her out of your life I’m sure
I really don't agree that this applies in all situations, or in this one

I agree with this.

MN is often weird about friendships. People often seem to have a "best friend" that they're thinking of cutting out completely. I find that quite extreme

IRL, it's often more nuanced and friendships ebb and flow

How old is her child? Did you make an effort to see her child like you expect her to see yours?

I feel sad that their are so many posts on here with people gloating about cutting someone off and enlisting support to do it. Your post isn’t too unreasonable but some of them are really cruel - listing a string of faults and very toxic reading. Where is the love?

maybe she had other stuff going in, maybe she’s selfish.

Do what you feel is best.

Past the age of 12, I wouldn't get so hung up on "best friends".

When you're at school you want someone to share secrets with, someone who will be on your side no matter what, someone who likes you more than they like everyone else. (Until next week when you have a falling out and someone else becomes your "best friend".)

As an adult, I do have a couple of friends I consider my best friends, but that's because they actually are. We chat all the time even though I live in a different country to the other two. We've all been there for each other's fertility journeys. (I had miscarriages, one had IVF, the other is TTC now.) They have both come to stay with me abroad and come to visit me at my parents' house, and I have visited them, including twice when I was pregnant with my second child, so we have seen each other's kids. Life is busy and so we don't always talk as much as usual, but we do care and we do put the effort in.

I have other friends I consider close, and sometimes we don't speak for ages because life gets in the way, and other times we are closer and speak a lot.

If you and your friend don't share the same interests anymore and she hasn't seen your son in two years despite living locally, she clearly isn't your best friend, or even a close friend. I think part of the problem here is you clinging to the best friend label when your friendship has evolved and you aren't as close as you once were.

It's OK for that to happen. Of my two best friends from school, one lives very far away and has four children who are much older than mine. Our lives have gone in very different directions. I haven't seen her in ten years but I wish her well and we exchange messages from time to time. The other still lives in our home town so I have been able to maintain a closer friendship with her and try to see her whenever I am back. But I wouldn't call either of them my best friends anymore because things change.

If her behaviour has really hurt your feelings, why haven't you said anything to her? She may not realise. If it's simply a case of the two of you growing apart due to different interests and life priorities, is that really so bad? Maybe you could just accept that your friendship isn't what it was, without needing to cut her out of your life just because she's finally suggested meeting up two years after your son was born.

Only you know how you feel about this. But I don't think that the people who were once our best friends need to continue friendships at the same intensity for ever and ever to merit any place in our lives at all. It's OK for a former best friend to become more of a casual friend over time. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. It just means that life moves on.

This.
She's not a friend.