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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cut this friend completely out of my life?

40 replies

HJB2021 · 11/05/2023 23:44

We have been friends since we were children (now both 35), my friend has stayed in our home town her entire life, I’ve moved around a lot so we have had periods of not seeing each other but always in contact. We always classed each other as best friends etc. I moved back to our home town, we didn’t see lots of each other because she’s into going out drinking and I’m kind of past that now. I got my first mortgage she never came to see the house.

I struggled to conceive for years, she knew how much it meant to me having a child, I then finally get pregnant have a beautiful boy, she has not once come to see him (he’s now 2 years old). She drives past my house to get to work, she has a child and is happy, she’s a very content person, so it not because she’s jealous. She just couldn’t be bothered to make the effort, unless it’s drink or party related.

Ive received a few messages from her asking to meet, saying she wants to meet my son, he’s now 2! I just feel for someone who was your best friend that’s so ridiculous she hasn’t tried to meet him until now.

Should I continue to ignore her messages? If I’m open with how I feel then it still doesn’t resolve the fact she doesn’t really care, I can’t personally move past it.

OP posts:

saraclara · 12/05/2023 08:14

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 12/05/2023 02:12

Relationships ebb and flow and despite calling yourselves "best friends" it doesn't sound like the two of you have been particularly close for years now. In your shoes I'd probably meet her for coffee and a 'catch up' sometime and just see where things go.

Why does the choice have to be "cut her out of your life entirely" or resume your BFF/childhood friendship? You're both more mature, you have responsibilities;
maybe a more relaxed, casual friendship would suit you both at this point in your lives.

Absolutely that. You might not be best friends any more, but it doesn't stop you being casual friends. It's not a zero sum game. It's a rare person that has a single best friend for life. Friendships ebb and flow. Friendship groups grow and wane.

You ignoring her messages could be viwed as every bit as bad as you think her driving past your house is.

Just answer her. Meet for coffee. See how it goes.

Stratusinium · 12/05/2023 08:16

dontgobaconmyheart · 12/05/2023 01:01

With respect OP, it sounds like she has already cut you out some time ago. It doesn't seem like she considers you a 'best friend' anymore and hasn't done for a long time and in that context the level of contact would make sense and be normal even. Life does move on for people and once regular contact stops and years pass I don't think it's reasonable to expect the same things on the basis that they used to be a 'best friend' or that it makes her a bad person.

I do think I'd find it odd if my best friends from when I was a bit younger or people I was much closer a few years ago that I'd not seen in a while, expressed to me that they felt angry I'd not popped over to meet their kids. To me it's clear we've grown apart as is often the way and that's fine , we still like each other, we just aren't close any more. I'd be very happy to bump into them or meet for a coffee but I wouldn't think it was appropriate to 'pop in' at their house if I passed and so on. I might send a card for a new baby if I had the address and had been told the news by them but it wouldn't be on my priority list to feel a need to meet the child. It might have been that way at one point, but it isn't any more, sort of thing.

Ultimately do what feels right for you. If it were me I'd just take her up on her offer to meet; perhaps the friendship can be rekindled back to where it was.

Yeah I agree with this

Can understand why you feel hurt OP but I would meet up anyway and just see how she’s doing. Sometimes people just fall out of contact a bit. Maybe as you moved away it felt different for her - whereas for you it felt like nothing at home had really changed. It sounds like you’d like the friendship to be stronger (as it has drifted for a bit). So I’d give it a chance and have a catch up.

CovertImage · 12/05/2023 08:18

BottleBottoms · 12/05/2023 01:39

I dunno really. A year or two can pass strangely quickly sometimes, and on top of that, two years ago everything was still very strange, and many people weren't meeting up as freely as usual. It's taken a lot of people a while to get back in the swing of things, and it can also feel quite awkward when you've already left it too long, knowing how late is too late to get back in touch. Unless I knew that none of these things would apply to her given her personality, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, I think.

Very sensible. I agree with this.

Plus - IMO - cutting someone out when you an adult is overly dramatic unless they're actually obnoxious

Stratusinium · 12/05/2023 08:18

BottleBottoms · 12/05/2023 01:39

Yeah that’s a good point

It’s been a pretty weird couple of years OP!

saraclara · 12/05/2023 08:21

Maybe as you moved away it felt different for her - whereas for you it felt like nothing at home had really changed

Yep. It would be odd if she didn't extend her friendship group while you were gone.

Did you ever actually invite her round to visit you and the baby, OP? Or did you just wait for her to make the effort?
I drive past various friends houses but wouldn't dream of just popping in (MN had taught me that it's not the done thing these days)

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 12/05/2023 08:25

surely it's worth at least having one chat with her, and asking if there's a reason why she's never visited your house or met your child?

you've been assuming it's just because she's been busy drinking and partying, but it could be that something else has happened - maybe she's been dealing with some kind of trauma or mental health issue which you don't know about? maybe she's had a miscarriage? or has been stuck in an abusive relationship with a controlling partner who's been trying to restrict her from contacting old friends? unless you talk to her, you'll never know, so I think it's worth giving her a chance...

it's unlikely that you'll jump back into suddenly being 'best friends' again, but you might appreciate having her in your life as a more casual friend

fpurplea · 12/05/2023 08:31

Friendships can evolve and revolve as well as dissolve. The dynamics might have changed, but whether that means you can pick up your friendship where it left off, downgrade it to a more casual friendship or let it go entirely very much depends on your particular situation. You grew apart over the years in interests as well as distance, life gets busy and it's not always an easy thing to just reconnect. Ignore the "best friend" label, is she someone you would still enjoy having a coffee and chat with every once in a while?

I've also had a best friend for 30+ years. We've had our ups and downs and we currently live 3 hours away from each other, we only see each other a couple of times a year and don't often message, but when we do get together it's brilliant.

Maddy70 · 12/05/2023 08:34

Have you invited her to come and see him?

MargotBamborough · 12/05/2023 08:37

I'm also getting a vibe from the OP that she didn't expect her friend's life to change so much because she remained in their hometown.

It's an easy mistake to make. You leave, move somewhere else, live in different places and meet new people and you change, but you sort of naively expect the things and people you left behind not to change and to still be the same when you go back to see them. But it's not like the Sims, where you can not play the game for five years and then you turn your old computer on one day, load up your game and all the little people are right where you left them. In real life, other people's lives continue in your absence.

If this friend works and has a child of her own, she probably only has a limited amount of time for socialising and chooses to use it doing what she was doing before the OP moved back into town. She only has 24 hours in her day and any time she spends with the OP is time she can't spend with the people she was spending her time with before the OP came back. Her life will have moved on too during the OP's absence and it would be unreasonable to expect otherwise.

I think the fact that she's asking to meet up now means she does still care and the friendship is still there from her point of view. I wouldn't just cut her off.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 12/05/2023 08:42

Why don’t you meet up, see how you get on? But I’d definitely throw out the term “best friends” for this friendship. Just see her as someone you used to be very fond of.

Felicity42 · 12/05/2023 08:47

Have you invited her over to.your house? And when the baby was born did you invite her for a visit?
It's hard to know what the level of contact is.
Have you been to see her baby when they were born? Did you send a card or present. Did she send you a baby present when yours was born?

shammalammadingdong · 12/05/2023 09:09

Definitely a vibe of "she stayed here, she likes to go out and have fun, she's not massively interested in other peoples babies"...its all very judgemental, plus the friend has been messaging and OP is the one ignoring.

I would imagine the friends perspective is quite different.

Plottingspringescape · 12/05/2023 09:13

Did you go and see her when she had her child? I think that makes a difference. If you didn't, then you can hardly blame her for doing the same.

DisquietintheRanks · 12/05/2023 09:20

OK she's your best friend so you regularly see her and her child but she's never met yours - how does that work?

Or is she the sort of friend you go out and do stuff sans children with? Because that's ok too.

Do you think you'd be happier if you dropped the "best friend" title and just had her as "a party" friend?

Pinkdelight3 · 12/05/2023 10:21

The problem is you holding her to this 'best friend' status when that hasn't been the case for years. You moved away and even when you moved back you didn't see her because you weren't into going out like she was and she wasn't into your mortgage/house phase of life. That's all fine. People change. You weren't obliged to stay in the town, so you didn't, you weren't obliged to go out drinking so you didn't, she wasn't obliged to stop off and see your kid, so she didn't. Now she's asked to and it's not some affront, it's a nice thing if she wants to see you and meet your kid (they are more interesting a bit older). Equally, you're not obliged to meet her if you don't want to so say no. But don't be cross because she's not measured up to some school definition of best friend as you haven't measured up to that either and it's not remotely realistic.

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