Disney dad has me over a barrel

[timetogoooo]

I'm divorced and DS12 storms out of the house to Disney dads house as soon as I try and do any form of mild parenting (bedtimes, homework, showers, chores). Because at dads, there's no parenting just a best buddy who has no bedtimes, no screen time limits, no showers and zero rules. It's midnight bedtimes every school night, gaming 8am to 12am weekends, no homework zone. I despair! Not only is is terrible for DS's welfare, I'm losing my son because he much prefers dad. I'm sure it won't be long before he says I'm off to live with dad. DS basically says if you don't do what I want, I'll just leave and he does. It breaks my heart. There is no cooperation with dad, he's abusive. I'm at my wits end, what can I do?

Honestly? I'd move house and cut contact between them. You're at risk of losing your son.

At 14 ds chose df's. Drugs and alcohol abound...
And no school whatsoever.
Came crawling back a year later. Went nc with df for a long time...
Would dd miss friends/pets /if she went there ft? Does he work? Would she be home alone a lot?
Maybe a glance at that grass is worth a try?

Sorry ds op...

How naive are you that you think a 12yo will just go along with that? He'd just contact his dad and let him know the new address, or run away trying to get to dad.

Assuming school have Dad's details I'd get the HOY involved and ask they speak to him about importance of good decisions and routines at this age and maybe put a bit of pressure on Dad - if he thinks he's answerable for your child maybe he'll step up a bit ?

Well I think I'd take the control back and tell him he can go and live with his dad.

He will probably go but I imagine he'd be back pretty sharpish and then he can hardly use it as a threat again.

@timetogoooo, as PP have said, all you can do is stand firm on your decisions as long as you know they are reasonable. Definitely don't cave in to DS's demands - I can't help but feel that it is actually DS who has you over a barrel. Yes, his 'D'F is a shit parent, but your fear is about what DS will do - and at that age, believe me, he is well aware that he can play on your feelings.
I really feel for you, but can also say from experience that if you give in to DS now, it's only going to get worse for you.

Yes I was going to say in my post it's actually the son who is calling the shots.

Can your ex sustain his Disney dad status for an extended length of time?

Is he (Your ex) engaged with school and school expectations?

my kids dad is exactly the same, all my dc including my 5yo go there and stay up until midnight playing violent computer games, they all have take away (chips) for dinner every night, unlimited sweets, if he has them in a school night/day they rarely make it to school and never to after school activities because he thinks they are pointless and spoil his time with the kids.

At the moment the only saving grace is that he lives too far away to have them regularly through the week or for older dc to make their own way there, but he has just dropped the bombshell that he is moving back to our hometown and wants the dc 50/50. I feel like I might as well give up parenting now because there is no way I can compete with that. The kids will not choose to come back to mine where there are rules/bedtimes/vegetables when they can have Disney dad on tap 😭

Have you tried speaking to your DS, to explain the rules and why they’re important? Explain the difference, between fun time at dad’s, which you’re happy he gets to have and every day life with you, where he needs to have bedtimes and curfews to keep him safe. Explain that it’s because you love him and want to keep him safe and ensure he gets the best possible opportunities in life.

He may not sit and agree with you, but it’s likely that he’ll take some of it in. Maybe if you can do fun stuff with him, then it’s not all business, so that his dad’s is more appealing?

No advice that I have learned yet but
I think the Disney part is a form of punishment. Particularly for those who left a controlling ex. It’s a constant way of them saying they still are better than you and it’s an extension of control over the kids.
At some point when the kids are older, they might be able to understand. It’s exhausting. Thinking of you all in this situation too.

Do not do this

Sometimes you have to let them go and find their way. Dads lavish no rules policy will get tiring when his washing and dinner is not done and he is failing at school and getting into trouble. Sometimes you just gotta let them find out for themselves and show you are not a doormat. Next time he storms out, tell him to take a bag as he is staying there - let’s see how much fun Disney dad finds full time care.

No experience but I'd imagine Disney dad doesn't have the stamina or inclination to sustain Disney dad status full time. So I'd be inclined to shrug next time he threatens to go there and let him go. Don't think it would be long before he was back

I'm so grateful for all your replies, thank you.

@vipersnest1 @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy you're both right, its actually DS who has me over the barrel. Thanks for that insight, that helps to know.

@Bk1000 you have my sympathy, I feel your pain. It's rubbish. Maybe being on tap will reduce the appeal?

@Sheepsheepeverywhere sorry to hear that happened, I'm glad it's had a happy ending (of sorts)

@Takeoutyourhen yes, it's exactly this. That's very insightful of you to gather from this one short post.

@2Hot2Handle I do do this and will continue but even a weekend of A game bonding time gets undone by one portion of vegetables!

.. and everyone else. I want to reply to everyone, I'm so grateful

A shitty situation OP.

How are his marks? Assuming they're suffering, can you raise the issue with school and get them to alert ds that he faces certain necessities that you, not dad, help him meet (without referring to dad directly)?

Keep some sort of record of ex's non-parenting in case things get worse an social services get involved.

And while it's a scary thought, maybe a paradoxical intervention would help - give him the freedom to go, while explaining why you think he's better off with you. Stop him yanking your strings. Deep breath, step back, let him get his fill of dad so he starts seeing the downsides?

I'm grasping at straws here because it sounds really messed up and you need to change the dynamic. Any chance you can speak to a professional (therapist) for ideas? All the best.

@Setyoufree @Hotfootgoose @etsiketsi I think you're right, it's time to let him see if the grass is greener. It just breaks my heart.

Yes this I share custody with my ex. He started out all singing and dancing, dc much preferred it there with it's endless xbox time. I embraced it, lovely you have them half the time, no more maintenance payments etc. Very quickly became about organisation and routines and how laundry needs to be put away otherwise it's chaos. I do wonder if he has realised that he spends more on food and clothes and days out and treats than he was ever "subsidising my lifestyle with"

Whatever you do, do not let your child live with him. I let my 5 year old go to her dad's temporarily to see routine was exactly the same in both homes.. a year later here I am and she's on waiting lists for mental health teams and a psychologist. And he still won't let me have her back.
It's so so hard but please do not let him go or take charge 💐

How does Disney dad feel about ds moving in with him? If he rejects ds this could lead to a whole other host of issues.
Fwiw I would also be saying off you pop then, and let him live in the chaos once he is tired all the time failing at school and his skin is breaking out he might see your point.

He’s 12 I’d grit your teeth and let him live with his dad now. Then he can rebound to you before GCSEs start to bite.

my bet is his dad will soon long for the house to himself

How ridiculous, child is 12 not 2!

You are being manipulated by your son so that he gets his own way on what is important to him. He is not an innocent in all of this.. You ex is just an uncooperative knob in the welfare of his son.

Honestly? I would let him go and stay at his dads, letting him know he can always come back, because when your ex has to feed him, do his washing, make sure he gets to school. Deals with teachers as no homework has been done and all the other stuff you do he will soon be sent back anyway