Disney dad has me over a barrel

[timetogoooo]

I'm divorced and DS12 storms out of the house to Disney dads house as soon as I try and do any form of mild parenting (bedtimes, homework, showers, chores). Because at dads, there's no parenting just a best buddy who has no bedtimes, no screen time limits, no showers and zero rules. It's midnight bedtimes every school night, gaming 8am to 12am weekends, no homework zone. I despair! Not only is is terrible for DS's welfare, I'm losing my son because he much prefers dad. I'm sure it won't be long before he says I'm off to live with dad. DS basically says if you don't do what I want, I'll just leave and he does. It breaks my heart. There is no cooperation with dad, he's abusive. I'm at my wits end, what can I do?

Will ds have adult conversations with you when he’s calm?

One conversation which I think is really valuable is to ask him if he will have kids one day. If so how will you raise them? Don’t guide him - just let him talk.

I reckon you’ll find that he knows which way of parenting is right, but just isn’t quite ready to admit that dad is a bit shit.

Id also think carefully about how he says things when he parents will be different from how you do it. Is there anything which you could move on so that you can acknowledge that difference? “I’ve thought about how you said you’d have rules for x box but not snacks, that’s what I’m going to do and I’m taking your advice. You can help yourself to snacks when you want until they run out but can only have one hour on x box. Let’s see if it works and reasses in 4 weeks “

I've kind of just cracked through this a bit as my dd2 also 12 has gone full Disney dad loyal and has only slept in her own bed once (last night) in months. I explained to ex that takeaways, late nights, missing school etc are not good for her and if it takes a social worker and lawyer to get him to send her home half the week that's what I'd do. It was totally controlling because I've got a new bf and he hates he's lost control of me.

He now makes himself unavailable a couple of nights a week and she comes home, we've had the chance to re bond and it's going better. Not fixed but better. You need ex on board, play him at his own game, you'll know best how to get through to him. My ex was emotionally abusive to dd1 who would happily tell the world, so ex probably didn't want social work mooching about him. You need a set routine and ex to uphold it at his end, not having him round for your half of the week and not being mr nice guy when they want to run round crying about you parenting them. Good luck, it broke my heart I know how you feel. Especially since he spent hardly any time with her her whole life before this and I did EVERYTHING for her. Arsehole that he is.

@Namechange224422 great conversation idea. I'll try that thanks

@PhillySub I hadn't seen that DS is being manipulative. You're right. It's horrifying as his father is/was.

Thank you everyone else too, it's been so helpful to have your mumsnet wisdom. Im sorry to all who face similar situations and grateful for all the different perspectives and ideas that I just can't see as I'm too close and upset.

I’m so sorry that sounds incredibly hard. Kids can be fickle. All you can do is keep the conversation open. At the end of the day if he wants to move with his dad there’s not much you can do… but does his dad actually even want him full time? It’s easy to be a Disney parent when you are parenting part time… much harder to do when you have them full time.

I have also been in this situation and appreciate how difficult it is. As other posters have said, your child as they mature is likely to realise for themselves that you are doing the ‘real’ parenting and have their interests at heart. Some GCSE courses such as Health and Social Care cover child development and parenting. Fortunately my son chose that as one of his GCSEs and as a result it dawned on him that the total lack of rules/structure and his dad’s house was not actually a good thing.

The thing is OP, children still need guidance, fed properly, a good nights sleep etc and it’s all fun and games until 12yo feels the impact of his dad’s shit parenting.

My friend went through similar and sent her DD to live with her dad as a ‘trial’. The DD thought this was brilliant and couldn’t wait to live with dad, only eat chocolate, stay up late, do no homework.

She moved back into her mum’s a week later. It turns out getting bollocks for not doing homework, being tired at school and not getting a proper hot meal in her belly and not having clothes washed soon wore thin

My DD also threatened to move in with her dad, one day after a huge argument about school she packed her bags, phoned her dad and he came to collect her.

She was back home a few days later when she realised that the grass wasn't greener after all.

@timetogoooo, one thing I always stuck by was to not 'slag off' XH to my dcs. The nearest I ever got (when they were older than your DS) was to say to them 'you know how your dad is'.
Your DS will eventually realise who has 'got his back'.
To repeat what I said earlier, stand firm. You know what you want for your son is born out of love and what is right. He will eventually see that.

He's being manipulative (and of course he knows what he's saying- even if he doesn't grasp the long term ramifications) and his dad is allowing it. I wouldn't be held to ransom- you have rules, and he needs to follow them. If he doesn't want to, he can go- but he should know the door is always open to return and that you love him- most kids do realise the lack of rules isn't actually as exciting as it seems.

Does your ds know why you and his dad broke up? I know pps have said ds is manipulating you but tbh he's doing what any 12 Yr old would do given the situation. I'd say in this scenario it's your ex who's basically making the balls and getting ds to fire them by consistently undermining your parenting and making himself out to be the good guy. I would be inclined to explain to your ds why you and his dad broke up in an age appropriate way and that might help him to see why there is such a difference between your houses. Obviously this would need to be done gently and you'd need to be prepared for any follow up questions he might have.

This.

What will happen when ds hasn't done his homework, has to make his own lunch, his sports kit hasn't been washed for three weeks in a row and stinks, and he misses out on school trips because Disney Dad isn't organised enough?

Is your ex a good dad? Does he care about the welfare of the child? He might like playing good cop, and ultimately how the child does in life falls back on you not him. I would try taking to your ex and ask for support. If he won’t help next time your child runs off to dad pack their stuff and send it with them. Let dad parent for a while. Your child will be returned in a month, and I imagine you will get support after that. Enjoy a few weekends of being good cop

You sound like a lovely person, op. I don’t know what the answer is. You have several things working against you, your son is at the age where he wants to do what he wants and like most boys prefers his dad now that he’s a teen. My son has always been a mommy’s boy but he is definitely dad’s boy now that he’s a teenager. Your son is becoming independent, resents being told what to do, sees you as an obstacle and dad as a free for all and no rules. Your ex is an awful person, using all this against you, and that compounds the issue.

I’m sure you’ve already done this, but a heartfelt talk with him at a time when he’s in a good mood toward you, might be a little step forward at least to help him understand your reasoning behind instilling rules and bedtime etc. Explain that you care about him and want to help him develop good habits for his health and well-being and for his success and happiness in his future. A good habit of going to bed at a reasonable hour to ensure 8 hours sleep, healthy meals, how to make good choices, respect for you his mother and being open to your guidance. That not having good habits in place will not serve him well in the long run and that self discipline is a worthy goal.

Good luck, op, all of us with teenagers even without an ex to complicate things, are with you on this. Come back and tell us how it goes.

When I was a child I had a friend whose parents had no rules (Disney Dad & Mum!) It was sort of fun going to hers for a night or two but I and the others in our group would quickly start hating it because the reality is that kids do crave routine and boundaries, even teenagers. Quite a lot of research to show that. I agree with those who say the novelty will wear off and you will be DS’ safe place to land in the end. It must be so hard in the meantime though and you really have my sympathies OP.

I had a dad like you describe and a mum like you, @timetogoooo -

Although it’s of little comfort to you now, I grew up knowing that my mum cared and loved me far more than my dad did. All the laundry and the cooking and the curfews and the clothes and the extras and all that love? Oh for sure-she showed me every damn day.

Hang in there. Somewhere in there your son knows he couldn’t get along without his mum and that the honeymoon wouldn’t last very long with dear old dad.

And don’t forget - kids are a pain in the ass.
All of them, all the time. Keep smiling.

My friend went through similar and her son came after 6 months. His teeth are black now though, when you look at him from a distance you don’t realise he still has them. He has sleep problems and is failing at school. He’s learned his lesson in a brutal way and is a lot nicer to his poor mum as a result.

No, please don't give up. He does not sound like a Disney dad at all, and you sound far too intelligent to let him win over your kids. I'm guessing he still has to work? And he's just giving you a threat that he is returning

You can't stop your son moving in with his dad, I wonder if his dad would welcome him? He will soon find that meals, laundry etc are not up to your standard, and may realise that his dad actually is not the man he thinks he is. It's very sad for you, but you may have to let him go to be truly appreciated by your son eventually.

Wow terrible advice! This is so controlling!