AIBU to feel upset or is DH a baddun?

[Irisornament]

NC as have posted lots re DH. I find it hard to get perspective as perimeno and currently mid mood dip. Feeling really sad and a bit pissed off.

DH and I had a massive argument last week. I was asking him to change one very problematic behaviour (if it doesn’t change its LTB territory - giving it 6 months). He was feeling ashamed (he admitted later) so was then hurling everything he could at me verbally - blamed me for everything wrong in his life. I was angry with him and did express myself crossly, but stick to the one thing.

I don’t want to go into specifics but after he’d finally broken down, said sorry and said he’d get counselling to figure out why he does it, he also said that the things he’d hurled at me in the argument weren’t things I really was to blame for. He’d just been in defensive mode.

Since then he has made an effort to retain closeness and change the problem behaviour but has slipped up a couple of times with DC to a lesser extent. Got cross and shouted (nothing too bad in any other context but not OK)

I’ve still been feeling a bit guarded with him and was pissed off about the slip ups and we have planned to talk again tomorrow. I’ve been subdued and a bit snippy with him to be honest.

In the meantime, mostly, I’ve been working so unavailable. No time alone together. He then went out all last night til late then gave me this choice today;

• if I’m going to still feel angry with him he won’t spend time with me tonight and he’s going to go out with a friend.
• if I’m in a better mood and ok, if I want to spend time with him he will stay in with me.

I felt stuck. Firstly I don’t know how I’ll feel. Secondly in the big argument one of the things he blamed me for was him not seeing friends (it’s not true, I pushed him, in fact, to see friends more as it’s good for his well-being). He later admitted it wasn’t the case but I’m still reticent to express an opinion. I said it was up to him. I explained that I’m reticent to express an opinion because of the above. I actually thought we should try and spend some quality time together but didn’t feel able to say.

I feel really sad that he’s now gone out, I’ve no idea where or how long he’s out for. I feel like, given the big argument and his problematic behaviour, he should be making more of an effort. He should be going the extra mile to help me to feel more secure and loved. Instead he’s pissed off out with his mate.

Am I being over emotional and unreasonable to feel aggrieved by this or do I need to give my head a wobble?

In all honesty, doesn't this all seem a bit too much drama?

I know you've tried to be vague, but the problem could be relevant here, ie if he's messaging other women, gambling, alcoholic etc.. then yes he should be home making it up to you, if he's an argumentative tosser, uninterested, lazy then it doesn't matter if he goes out?

Yes. It does. It really does. It’s exhausting TBH. We are in a process of change but he needs to address some issues he has from childhood. If that doesn’t change it enough it’s time to call it a day.

Ew this is a hard one. To be honest with your hints at his behaviour it sounds like it has already passed LTB stage.

However if you are doing the silent treatment for a few days he may as well be out hadnt he? No good for either of you. Won’t sort anything and is a horrible atmosphere.

Do you think you need 6 months?

purpleboy

Why? He’s hurt me massively. He knows it. He apologised and said he’d try harder. Yet he’s chosen to go out again rather than create opportunities to build our closeness back. After tomorrow we won’t get any time on our own again for two weeks as I’m away with work then we have guests. I feel like he’s not prioritising me/us

Emotional blackmail is not a good move to be pulling at this stage

tell him to go out,

Weallgottachangesometime

I feel I need to give him a chance to change but at times like this I feel
hopeless that it will change.

Not silent treatment but I haven’t been warm. Not cold either. Polite. Had a couple of laughs about things but have been guarded and a bit snippy when tricky things have cropped up (hair breaking camels back)

howdoesatoastermaketoast

Hes gone out. Who is emotionally blackmailing?

oh I did mean he was attempting emotional blackmail not you in case unclear

Hmm. Everyone is entitled to their own red line so to some degree it doesn't much matter what he's done since if you find it unacceptable you have the right to decide to not be with him.

It's difficult to tell whether it's more of a 'he said she said' scenario though, sounds like there might be problems from both sides and maybe worth trying to meet in the middle rather than getting entrenched in the idea it's all/mostly him. That's if you do want to work towards staying together though I guess.

I think he's probably right to go out tonight though, it doesn't sound as though it's the right time for a serious conversation.

You're not prioritising your relationship either though. If you want to try and make things work, you need to give a bit, too. He can't do it alone.

There's no point him sitting home every day waiting for you to not be short and snappy with him.

If you want him to stay home, tell him. But make the effort to spend quality time together, both of you.

I’ll save you the 6 months - he won’t change.
Doesn't matter what the behaviour is, he won’t change it.

One can only change their behaviour if they want to, and he doesn’t want to, otherwise you wouldn’t have had to ask.

And there is why he has done it! He wanted to go out despite knowing it’s your only chance for some proper time, but this way he can put the blame on you for him doing so.

howdoesatoastermaketoast

I hadn’t looked at it like that but it is kind of - be nice to me or I’ll go out. Puts pressure on me to be lovely even if I’m feeling down.

This whole situation feels ridiculous, to me. You have two problems:

1. DH has a problem behavior that is so bad you know you should LTB unless he fixes it.
2. He is absolutely unable to manage big emotions like anger or shame and will do anything to “win” an argument including lying, misleading, bullshitting, running out, avoiding, snd threatening to do all these to make you shut up.

you seem unaware that a person who displays all the behaviors in section 2 will NEVER be willing to do the work in therapy to fix problem 1.

Your DH, for whatever historic or psychological reason, can not operate from a position of adult integrity (my family has a problem with my behavior and I value my family so highly that I will accept inconvenience or shame or cost to solve the problem). He doesn’t think this way. When conflict arises between you two his goal is to DARVO you out of it, the fastest way possible. He will lie snd browbeat you to get you to shut up.

It will take you more or less time to realize this guy is a lost cause. But I hope you figure it out soon. If this example is typical the situation is all kinds of awful. It won’t be fixed by him in any number of months.

I’m playing devils advocate here - but if you’ve been off and cold with him…what would have happened if he had stayed at home tonight? Maybe if you had both spoken and decided to do something together (eg get a nice meal) then it would have been worth while. I don’t see how him staying in while you are still acting off with him would have achieved anything.

I mean it sounds like he’s the one in the wrong overall, as I’m assuming he’s had some very probabilistic behaviour from your hints. However on the issue of just tonight I can’t say I can blame him.

Are you annoyed because you wanted him to stay and win you over out of your disagreement?

Exactly! He created an argument so that then you wouldn't be speaking to each other, and then he could go out.

What was the initial event?

DH is a baddun, which you obviously already know. Nobody can tell you what to do but your kids won't get these years of their lives back.

Are you the one who posted about DH being in therapy about behaviours stemming from childhood and you were pissed off he wasn't telling you enough about what was bring discussed in therapy?

Can’t keep up with replies but thank you for posting.

Yeah. I can see me being a bit snippy isn’t great. I’m still massively hurt from his behaviour prior to and during the argument.

DARVO is a new one to me. I’ve seen it on threads but never looked it up. I will.

I don’t think he’s avoiding talking tonight because we have said we will catch up properly tomorrow but in the meantime put things to one side and crack on.

He just wanted to go out. The way he asked made it really clear that was what he wanted to do. He didn’t suggest an alternative - e.g. I know we are talking tomorrow but how about we watch a film together tonight?

I am just feeling sad, a bit lonely and a bit like it’s all words. I think he’s already forgotten the hurt he caused.

Dontbelieveaword

no. Not me.

Does he have anyone he can talk to about things? Maybe he needed tonight with his friend to get his head straight.

Well that’s probably your answer then isn’t it. If even now he is manipulating a situation to go out and not making effort to have quality time then what’s the point. There won’t be change.

sounds like you want him to act in a way that he isn’t capable of acting. He’s not the person you want and is unlikely to become that.

Weallgottachangesometime

May be I am a bit. Not win me back exactly. More I thought he’d want to put more effort into repairing our connection - which is strong when there’s no crappy stuff getting in the way. I just feel really sad he hasn’t prioritised us.

Yeah. May be he can’t change 🙁