AIBU to feel upset or is DH a baddun?

[Irisornament]

NC as have posted lots re DH. I find it hard to get perspective as perimeno and currently mid mood dip. Feeling really sad and a bit pissed off.

DH and I had a massive argument last week. I was asking him to change one very problematic behaviour (if it doesn’t change its LTB territory - giving it 6 months). He was feeling ashamed (he admitted later) so was then hurling everything he could at me verbally - blamed me for everything wrong in his life. I was angry with him and did express myself crossly, but stick to the one thing.

I don’t want to go into specifics but after he’d finally broken down, said sorry and said he’d get counselling to figure out why he does it, he also said that the things he’d hurled at me in the argument weren’t things I really was to blame for. He’d just been in defensive mode.

Since then he has made an effort to retain closeness and change the problem behaviour but has slipped up a couple of times with DC to a lesser extent. Got cross and shouted (nothing too bad in any other context but not OK)

I’ve still been feeling a bit guarded with him and was pissed off about the slip ups and we have planned to talk again tomorrow. I’ve been subdued and a bit snippy with him to be honest.

In the meantime, mostly, I’ve been working so unavailable. No time alone together. He then went out all last night til late then gave me this choice today;

• if I’m going to still feel angry with him he won’t spend time with me tonight and he’s going to go out with a friend.
• if I’m in a better mood and ok, if I want to spend time with him he will stay in with me.

I felt stuck. Firstly I don’t know how I’ll feel. Secondly in the big argument one of the things he blamed me for was him not seeing friends (it’s not true, I pushed him, in fact, to see friends more as it’s good for his well-being). He later admitted it wasn’t the case but I’m still reticent to express an opinion. I said it was up to him. I explained that I’m reticent to express an opinion because of the above. I actually thought we should try and spend some quality time together but didn’t feel able to say.

I feel really sad that he’s now gone out, I’ve no idea where or how long he’s out for. I feel like, given the big argument and his problematic behaviour, he should be making more of an effort. He should be going the extra mile to help me to feel more secure and loved. Instead he’s pissed off out with his mate.

Am I being over emotional and unreasonable to feel aggrieved by this or do I need to give my head a wobble?

OP get your ducks in a row........ its not going to work.

@Irisornament or he doesn't want to.

GoodChat

It’s not a friend he’d talk to about that stuff. Gone off to do their hobby then probably a drink I think but I’m guessing that by what he took with him.

Too much drama for me. Let him go do what he wants and you do the same.

Agree, it's not working for either of you. Call it a day and move on

after he’d finally broken down, said sorry and said he’d get counselling to figure out why he does it

So did he get counselling? Between then.. and his "slip ups" has he organised it or is he just hoping itll magically stop?

Those telling you about DARVO are correct.
This is what he is doing.

Not sure if he’s organised counselling yet. Said we’d talk tomorrow so going to ask then.

So just looked up DARVO and it fits for the big argument. So does shield of shame though.

I can’t see how DARVO fits tonight with him going out.

I hope for both your cakes he has organised it but its probable he hasn't since hes off out two nights in a row.

I suspect the talk you have with him will take the same patterns they always do.

Unless he actively works hard at this, gets support and has a plan in place he will not suddenly just stop acting like this.

Do you not think when it gets to this amount of analysis of your relationship, it’s time to call it a day?

Sakes. Not cakes !!🤣🤣🤣

“repairing our connection - which is strong when there’s no crappy stuff getting in the way.”

You’re lying to yourself. A strong connection means you can get through the crappy stuff.

He’s doing some mystery behaviour that’s bad enough for an ultimatum - yet you don’t know if he’s started counselling and you’ve accepting him “doing it”(whatever it is) to your children.

It’s an anonymous forum. The only reason to make the thread fairly pointless by not saying what the issue is, is because you know people will tell you he won’t change - and you don’t want to face that yet.

I agree with pikkumyy77
Sounds to be like he has engineered a situation where you will be annoyed with him. This gives him the excuse to go out.
I had an ex like this. It all got too draining in the end. He kept promising to change, blah blah blah until next time. He never did.

Just baseing opinions on the written word here- if he feels you're still going to be angry and defensive and off with him there seems very little point in both of you having a crappy evening in an awful atmosphere so can't really blame him clearing off.
On the other hand you know exactly what's going on so your feelings are obviously valid. Not sure either of you are meeting in the middle at the moment. Maybe it's time to call it a day, too much water under the bridge now.

I think @Testina has it. You don't even know if he's started counselling.

I know it's easy for an anonymous person on an internet forum to tell you this, but he's not going to change. I left my baddun nearly 2 years ago because neither was he. Turns out, I wasn't actually to blame for the way he was, he was just a twat and has remained a selfish arsehole despite not being with me. Total shocker, let me tell you.

You don't even know if he's started counselling.

Yeah, to be fair, if my relationship was dependent on my partner having counselling I'd expect him to sort that almost immediately

I don’t know because we haven’t had time to talk. Talk planned tomorrow to see where things are at.

I’m being vague because I want to remain anonymous.

It's your right to be as vague as you want. No-one can force you to give more detail than you're willing to reveal. However, you must understand that under those circumstances, nobody can give you a true, balanced opinion or advice. Which is fine if you're just looking to have a rant.

Dontbelieveaword

Thanks. I know. I think I am just not sure if my hurt feelings are rational or not really. I’m so hormonal. I feel like crying but that just seems OTT. I think it’s not just about him choosing to go out. It’s the realisation that he’s not working on it. It’s not his priority. His pattern is that his hurt feelings trump everything - this is just another example. My feelings dont matter.

OP if you truly feel that your feelings don't matter to him, then it's definitely time to go, why waste another moment of your precious life, on someone who seemingly doesn't care how much he hurts you. You say that you don't know if he's organised counselling, as you haven't had time to talk yet, how long does it take to say 'Oh, by the way, I've organised counselling on Tuesday', literally seconds, he could even send you a text to put your mind at rest that he's taken some sort of action, but he clearly hasn't. When my DH and I got to the point where an ultimatum was issued, he sent me flowers and a little teddy bear the very next day, with a note on to tell me when he'd booked to see someone about anger management. We're still together 27 years later!! HE cared about my feelings!

Treesoutsidemywindow

I am so glad it worked out for you. I still have a bit of hope. I’ll know more when we sit down and talk properly tomorrow. We are trying to save difficult conversations to one point each week to avoid things escalating. That way we can both be ready for it. You are right though. He could have let me know. His communication is poor though. He doesn’t tend to tell me anything. That’s a whole new thread.

He has said sorry on three occasions when I started crying remembering the hurtful words he said. He does (or did) feel genuinely remorseful and ashamed I believe.

I think because I’ve not just melted back into his arms and have been snippy a couple (possibly only once) of times, he’s pushed me away.

I think I’m going to use the next six months to look into the practicalities of separating.

Thanks to all the posters. Good to have different perspectives. I’m NCing again now so won’t post again but I appreciate everyone’s time.

You’re already anonymous and I am sure that’s he just another common or garden arsehole so the specifics of his behaviour wouldn’t identify him in the slightest. You are being vague because you know he’s not going to change and you know you should end it - but you’re not ready to yet, and don’t want to look foolish by sharing what he’s doing.

How about when you talk to him tomorrow instead of talking about how you need to work on particular aspects of your relationship to try to stay together, you tell him that you want a trial separation. This gives him time to work through his issues without the pressure of living in the same house. And mostly because it gives you an opportunity to see what life is like without him. If this is something you want to try, be firm and tell him after the way he acted tonight you don’t think he actually wants to salvage the relationship.