It is a very long one and this is not my first post about my in laws.
Background on Mil: She tries to control and have a say in everything my husband does. From small things like what he buys for peoples birthdays / sending cards to big life events. It feels like she thinks she can control every aspect of his/ our lives and treats us like we are incapable children always giving unsolicited advice and pointing out the obvious. She will contact him lots checking he has done something or is going to do something. Guilt trips and emotional blackmail is very common if you don't do what she wants. There has been times he has not done what she wanted and basically shunned him / reduced almost all contact with him for weeks or months.
Many examples: She told my dh the maximum amount he should spend on my engagement ring. She tried to pick out the place we have our wedding meal at. She demanded to know how much we were going to donate at my sons Christening at the church in front of everyone. She didn’t want us to have a baby (telling dh I hope your not trying for a baby). When dh told her I was pregnant she was almost in tears on the phone asking how will we cope. She was also very against me breastfeeding ringing almost everyday for the first months asking if I was still breastfeeding. She came into my bedroom when I was trying to breastfeed in the first week and she told me “its just so difficult, there is really no shame in giving up”. She told dh if I stop breastfeeding she will buy him a perfect prep machine. When we have decided I will be a sahm she told dh I should just work because I need a job and even said she will pay for part of nursery as my son will be better off in nursery. One weekend we said she couldn't visit because I was really ill with an infection. Because she couldn't visit that weekend she was shouting at dh over the phone saying "I'm just trying to help" and “my behaviour is not normal”. Then she didn't visit for months and just sent texts implying we were stopping her from seeing her grandchild. She also looked for any minor excuse to try to blame him or scold him for something for months. She tries to pick out different jobs for dh and even links him jobs. She got dh's step father to tell him its nice he enjoys his job but he should be earning more to support his family (we are financially fine and have never asked them for money). The jobs she picks out don't even pay much better. They are just a lot closer to her.
She also tries to control all family events and holidays. Dh would always have to visit at Christmas time and he has to stay for a bare minimum of 2 nights. When I would go to her house for Christmas she told dh I need to talk to other family members more, and I need to make an effort on Christmas day and dress up and wear make-up. It felt like the whole day was controlled and you even got woken up at 7am to open presents. For years it was always us going there for Christmas and boxing day. When we got our first house, the first time we were going to spend it with my parents her reply was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas".
It is also trying to control family news as well, telling him to text or call friends or family about things. Or telling dh that he must send our wedding and christening invites / information to people by a certain time. She wants to know everything, even my private medical matters. The thing that has ruined the relationship the most is my son has having a language delay and behaviour issues since the age of 1. She would constantly insinuate it was our fault asking things like are we even talking to him and pointing out his behaviour is not normal. One time commenting don't you even know your own age in an almost mocking way when he could not answer. He has since been diagnosed as being autistic. Since his diagnosis we have not had an apology for her behaviour. She is fact denies she said any of it and uses emotional blackmail saying things like “how can you think that of me, an I wont tell step Fil that you think that of me”. She will lie and deny a lot of the things I'm saying here or say “I’m just trying to help”. Over the years I have went more low contact and asked dh to stop sharing so information, especially about me. Because of this I am the black sheep of the family and seen as always being unreasonable by the family.
Background on Sil: Since I have known her Sil has always made demands on our time and private information, it is not a two way street. Like asking private information about us and our family but she would get annoyed with dh if he did the same, her personal life is private. She asked to attend dc's first video appointment with the paediatrician for his autism diagnoses. It really feels like she expects special treatment from dh. Tantrums or stroppy behaviour if you don't want to do what she wants.
Examples: She expected us to break lockdown rules at Christmas and travel 60 miles to clean Mil's rental property. She of course was not going to help clean. One time she arrived in a neighbouring city next to us early and she than expected us to drop what we doing to come see her. She would ask for expensive makeup that costs £40-60 from us for every birthday and Christmas and she would get us a £5-10 gift in return. One Christmas she asked for a 20 pounds and a 40 pounds make-up item and we only got her the 20 pounds items and she actually said is that it! On Christmas day when we would stay at Mil’s house she would bang on our bedroom door at 7am because she wanted us to open presents together. Mil would want help with Christmas prepping (perfectly reasonable) but every year Sil would point at me an dh when Mil asked who would help, she never once helped out. In the past when I made her lunch at my house she did not lift a finger.
There is also her behaviour which both annoys me and I find odd – examples are - at my sons christening he started to cry when the water was poured on his head and she started laughing out loud. When my autistic ds pronounced something wrong and she said what was that and started laughing. Frankly at this point I do not want her around my son if she is going to laugh at things he struggles with due to his autism. The latest thing that I am at the end of my tether with her (my last post) was Sil just complained to dh that her birthday card is not signed with our children names on it. Especially after the difficult 2 years we have had (the year it took for my son to be diagnosed and my 1 week old daughter being hospitalized with seizures). She also did not enquire as to my well-being when I was in hospital with pneumonia while pregnant and she did not come to see my daughter while in the hospital with seizures.
We are having a christening for our 6 month old daughter. Sil has been dating her boyfriend for 8 or 9 months – not sure exactly. They moved in together last month I think. Mil has said we have to invite him to the christening, but I don’t want him there as I have never met him and I don’t like meeting strangers. And at this point with putting up with Mil and Sil not respecting boundaries and their behaviour for the past 14 years I now really don’t want him at the christening. AIBU or am I letting Mil’s and Sil’s behaviour cloud my judgement.