Do some people just not get how they treat other people?

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 2023-05-11T15:06:57+00:00

Or more as in, not realize that maybe this person isin’t your ”audience” right now. So I have an old friend, sometimes we’re closer, sometimes we drift apart. And at very different stages in life, she got it all : the husband, the kids, money and beautiful house. I got MH issues and forever alone and low paying job. Now before anyone wants to come and say I’m jealous, no need. I admit it right here. But to the problem: she’s always complaining. Always, petty stuff too (IMO). How’s she’s tired, how awful it is being pregnant again and having a toddler, too many get-togethers with fancy people, husbands hobbies are too amazing. And I just….. You know, what I’m supposed to say or do. Sorry your life is too amazing. Reason why I’m posting this is that few days ago she invited me for lunch, that turned out to be me just baby sitting for her kid for free, while she used me as a free therapist to off load on her life. How tired she is to be pregnant again etc. But she knows my life, surely she has to realize that I can’t possible be an understanding person? I don’t mean to make it as it’s a competition, I don’t know how else to say it, but is it even right to complain so much to a person who is so much worse off? And then having to go home alone, feeling miserable. This isin’t an actual friendship is it? Am I somekind of idiot who just let’s herself be used?

BeginningToLookALotLike · 11/05/2023 16:12

How did you end up baby sitting for free the other day?

Does your friend ever ask you any questions about your life or is it all about her?

Original poster

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 11/05/2023 16:21

BeginningToLookALotLike · 11/05/2023 16:12

How did you end up baby sitting for free the other day?

Does your friend ever ask you any questions about your life or is it all about her?

All that writing and I forgat that.
So what ended up happening was she sat us in the living room, including her daughter, and pretty much started scrolling her phone, and going on how awful everything is.
Her kid was very, um… energetic and my friend just told her to go over to (me) and then she went to have a phone call - wasn’t serious, they were laughing and I was alone with the kid.
Then my friend came back and all the laughter from the call was gone and everything was back being awful, all she did was talk about herself.
And back to scrolling her phone.
She ignored both me and her child. Just talked at my direction.

No, she didn’t ask anything about me.

OP posts:

Original poster

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 11/05/2023 16:29

Up

OP posts:

BeginningToLookALotLike · 11/05/2023 16:32

Honestly, it sounds to me like the friendship has become stale and you have drifted apart too much. Sorry OP. Do you still want to be friends with this person?

BeginningToLookALotLike · 11/05/2023 16:34

And maybe ask for the thread to be moved over to Relationships rather than AIBU.

Dontbelieveaword · 11/05/2023 16:38

At one point in your OP you say 'But she knows my life' which suggests you talk/complain about your life/experiences/complaints, otherwise how would she know?
you then go on to say 'surely she has to realize that I can’t possible be an understanding person?' which suggests you possess no concept of empathy or understanding. This suggests that she is never allowed to speak about anything in her life, good or bad, because you could never possibly understand that anyone but you has problems. Are you looking for the type of friendship where she just sits and listens to your woes? But then surely she can never understand your life or point of view, commiserate or celebrate with you because she doesn't live your life?
It's OK to admit you're jealous, it's OK to admit your life is shit at the moment and it's OK to sometimes admit you're not in mood to listen to others bang on about their 'perceived' problems and if that's the case, then don't accept invitations.when you're feeling so low or explain to your friend you're having a bad day too.
Have you thought that the sometimes you're close and sometimes you're not issue may coincide with times when you're not feeling great mentally and you may distance yourself from her (and others)?
If you really feel like she's a shit friend, then go LC but have a think if she's ever helped you or listened to you during your lowest moments and that she may think you have a true friendship where you're not always on the same page, not always have same advantages, moods, days but that you feel comfortable enough with each other that you can share your shittiest thoughts no matter how petty and trivial they may seem

longwayoff · 11/05/2023 16:39

I doubt she knows how much it upsets you but nevertheless she probably wouldnt care. Phase her out, she'll never ask you anything about your life as she isn't interested in you as a person.

Lovestodrinkmilk · 11/05/2023 16:42

I think, if you want to keep the friendship you need to 'retrain' your friend. Every time she starts complaining, give her a few minutes and then change the subject. "Oh, I'm sorry you're feeling that way; but what did you think of the Coronation? " YANBI to find her behaviour tiresome.

Original poster

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 11/05/2023 16:43

Dontbelieveaword · 11/05/2023 16:38

At one point in your OP you say 'But she knows my life' which suggests you talk/complain about your life/experiences/complaints, otherwise how would she know?
you then go on to say 'surely she has to realize that I can’t possible be an understanding person?' which suggests you possess no concept of empathy or understanding. This suggests that she is never allowed to speak about anything in her life, good or bad, because you could never possibly understand that anyone but you has problems. Are you looking for the type of friendship where she just sits and listens to your woes? But then surely she can never understand your life or point of view, commiserate or celebrate with you because she doesn't live your life?
It's OK to admit you're jealous, it's OK to admit your life is shit at the moment and it's OK to sometimes admit you're not in mood to listen to others bang on about their 'perceived' problems and if that's the case, then don't accept invitations.when you're feeling so low or explain to your friend you're having a bad day too.
Have you thought that the sometimes you're close and sometimes you're not issue may coincide with times when you're not feeling great mentally and you may distance yourself from her (and others)?
If you really feel like she's a shit friend, then go LC but have a think if she's ever helped you or listened to you during your lowest moments and that she may think you have a true friendship where you're not always on the same page, not always have same advantages, moods, days but that you feel comfortable enough with each other that you can share your shittiest thoughts no matter how petty and trivial they may seem

You pretty much got it all backwards.

OP posts:

Dontbelieveaword · 11/05/2023 16:45

So just don't be friends with her then. Simple answer.

Original poster

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 11/05/2023 16:45

Lovestodrinkmilk · 11/05/2023 16:42

I think, if you want to keep the friendship you need to 'retrain' your friend. Every time she starts complaining, give her a few minutes and then change the subject. "Oh, I'm sorry you're feeling that way; but what did you think of the Coronation? " YANBI to find her behaviour tiresome.

I will try and give this advice ago.
I know I need to learn how to speak up.
I seem to totally lose capability to use my voice when she starts, it’s so akward.

OP posts:

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 11/05/2023 16:46

I wouldn’t see her again, asking how another person is is basic manners.

2bazookas · 11/05/2023 16:49

I fail to see how being a single person with MH issues, means you can't have any sympathy for a friend's problems.

whumpthereitis · 11/05/2023 16:55

Friendship surely means give and take on both sides? Which means it’s not exactly ‘friendship’ to expect her to listen to your problems, but never mention her own in order to be ‘sensitive’ to you. It’s not her obligation to manage your jealousy because you want what she has.

People wonder why some only seem to mix with those with similar positions in life, but this is why.

Furbfurbfurb · 11/05/2023 16:56

Why not offload on her too? Sometimes people genuinely don’t realise and assume other people are happy.

Original poster

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 11/05/2023 17:01

whumpthereitis · 11/05/2023 16:55

Friendship surely means give and take on both sides? Which means it’s not exactly ‘friendship’ to expect her to listen to your problems, but never mention her own in order to be ‘sensitive’ to you. It’s not her obligation to manage your jealousy because you want what she has.

People wonder why some only seem to mix with those with similar positions in life, but this is why.

But I don’t talk, that’s the point.
How did you manage to twist this in your head so wrong?
That is some talent!
She doesnmt liste, she’s not sensitive - ever.

OP posts:

Original poster

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 11/05/2023 17:01

*doesn’t listen

OP posts:

whumpthereitis · 11/05/2023 17:07

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 11/05/2023 17:01

But I don’t talk, that’s the point.
How did you manage to twist this in your head so wrong?
That is some talent!
She doesnmt liste, she’s not sensitive - ever.

Show quote history

Then if she’s not being a friend to you then remove yourself from the situation. That’s obviously fair enough.

She isn’t inherently doing anything wrong by talking to someone she considers a friend about her problems, even if she’s in a more fortunate position in life. What she’s doing wrong is not showing interest in your life in return.

Dontbelieveaword · 11/05/2023 17:13

Why are you getting so angry with everybody who is not agreeing that your friend is awful? You've asked for opinions, you're getting them. As previously said, if she's so awful, don't be friends with her. It's not compulsory, is it?

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/05/2023 17:16

Please don't try to train this woman. She will have gone through friend after friend who have abandoned her because she's a selfish pain in the arse. Nothing you say or do will make any difference to her.

I'm really sorry you have mental health problems. It's really really important that you surround yourself with people who make you feel better rather than worse.

Original poster

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 11/05/2023 17:18

I’m not angry 😀 @Dontbelieveaword

PP just took and twisted things around, I just corrected them so there won’t be more misunderstandment!

I’m more than happy to get actual advice, but people need to read before commenting.
That’s all.
And I said that in a kind, soft tone, just so that you know😇😉

OP posts:

Dontbelieveaword · 11/05/2023 17:22

Concentrate on your MH and on friendships you find mutually beneficial. Walk away from situations and relationships that drain you and serve you no purpose

BreviloquentBastard · 11/05/2023 17:38

So, ask yourself this - what are you getting out of this friendship?

I moan to my friends, god help me I do. But I also listen when they moan. We look out for eachother, help eachother, raise eachother up when we're down (or just get right on down in the dirt together and have a wallow if that's the mood of the day). The point is there's give and take.

A good friendship adds to your life, enriches it, has an overall net positive impact. A bad one drains you, takes from you, and gives little back. Which do you get from her?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 11/05/2023 17:47

Call her out on it every time and tell her she has it good and does not have to worry about bills etc and change the subject every time and say to her how she does not even ask how you are. Seems unfair and she is all happy and chatty on phone all fake to others. Talk it out with her and tell her life is hard for you and see what she says or responds.

Farmageddon · 11/05/2023 17:48

Have you actually tried to interject and change the conversation? Maybe you need to be a bit more direct and say 'I'm sorry you're going through that, but I'm also having a shit time right now...'
Or mentally count to 50 in your head or something, and then change the discussion or talk about yourself or something you do want to discuss.

If that doesn't work, then just stop replying to her and she'll get the message, but if you do actually want to save the friendship (was it ever good?) then you will need to assert yourself.

As for not complaining to someone who is objectively worse off - everyone has problems and if you have been friends for a while then she obviously doesn't realise that she's being insensitive.