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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need some perspective on OH's behaviour

30 replies

Seaside1234 · 11/05/2023 07:50

Looking for opinions on whether my thoughts on husband's behaviour are unreasonable. I have quite poor self-judgement and am struggling to tell.

Together 21 years, married 17. 2 kids. He has a long history of pretty terrible depression, mostly under better control these days. I have long-standing anxiety issues, was finally diagnosed as autistic aged 42, a few years back. He had an affair several years ago - we opted to stay together, went through marriage counselling but haven't kept up good communication (we're both v poor at conflict, we never argue and avoid difficult conversations like the plague).

He's freelance, and basically lost all work at beginning of Covid. It has mostly not come back, although it feels to me that he's not been working very hard to find work. I have a professional job, and have been paying mortgage, nearly all the bills and most routine expenses since onset of Covid, so 3 years; he wasn't previously contributing reliably. I can afford this if I work a bit extra, but I can't get financially ahead. I do all housework unless I directly ask him to do anything.

He's always liked a drink, but this has significantly escalated since post-Covid reopening. He had a bad depressive episode in January where all he did was sleep and go out drinking. He's a lot better now, but is still regularly out at the pub until late, coming home pissed. I stopped drinking at the end of last year when it was starting to be a problem for me. He has always completely refused to discuss money other than superficially, but I know he's had significant debt before and I don't imagine he's managed to pay it off.

Essentially, he is not contributing anything significant financially but spending presumably reasonable amounts on going out drinking while I am having to work extra to make our ends meet, and he won't discuss money. I am doing all housework and supporting us all financially. With stopping drinking I have regained at least some self-respect and think this is all not ok, but my self judgment is very poor and the prospect of having to communicate all of this directly to him leaves me completely frozen - I quite literally can't do it. Before I figure out how/what I'm going to do, please tell me if I'm being unreasonable? I know he's had a really hard few years with losing work, etc, but I'm starting to suspect I'm being taken for a ride.

OP posts:
Wicksytricksy · 11/05/2023 07:57

He's a cheat and a problem drinker, he doesn't work, runs up debt, doesn't do housework, doesn't seem to contribute positively in anyway to your life, I bet he's a crap dad too.

Why would you want to be with a man who treats you so poorly? LTB and I bet your life would be better and happier.

MiIIiex · 11/05/2023 08:10

Yeah there's literally nothing you've said that would make me want to stay with him. He's completely taking the piss.

BusMumsHoliday · 11/05/2023 08:17

No, he's not behaving reasonably. You can't go on like this.

I think that before you have the conversation with him you need to work out what you want from it. Is it a last ditch attempt to get him to change or do you just want to end your marriage? Going through this conversation with a counsellor beforehand might be helpful for you.

Also, you're autistic and allowed to communicate in ways that work best for you. My DH is autistic and although it seems unusual, we have lots of "big chats" over text. His auditory processing is not good when he's stressed and he finds the emotional processing easier when he's alone. It works for us. So don't feel you have to communicate in a face to face chat. For all you've done for him, he can adapt a bit to you, too.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 11/05/2023 08:23

So he doesn’t contribute anything financially, he doesn’t lift a finger in the house, and he spends loads of money on drinking heavily. Oh, and he refuses to discuss your concerns.

what does he contribute to the relationship?

Notimeforaname · 11/05/2023 08:24

the prospect of having to communicate all of this directly to him leaves me completely frozen - I quite literally can't do it.

Then nothing will change. Here is the source of all of your problems. You either attack this, piece by piece to try to make it work or, you accept that this is your life and carry on as you are.
There are literally no other options.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/05/2023 08:29

It's time for him to go. It's absolutely ridiculous that you took him back on after his affair and now are completely subsidising him and he is just drinking your money away while you work and work and work and do all the housework as well.

YukoandHiro · 11/05/2023 08:29

My god, you are not being unreasonable. You've given him endless chances and years of support.

He's not going to change OP. He doesn't care about you and your children enough to commit to change, that's the reality. I know that's horrible to hear but it must be true because he's shown no commitment to sorting himself out.

The fact is you're working hard and he's spending your money drinking. Don't stand for it any longer.

Popetthetreehugger · 11/05/2023 08:33

If you can’t say the words , write them . Communication is more than just verbal. Get legal advice. The longer you leave him not working you may find you’re liable for spousal support. He’s not going to leave his velvet cushion while you’re still pealing his grapes !
don’t buy in to the sunk cost fallacy. What’s gone ( time and money ) has gone . Good luck OP .

DonnaBanana · 11/05/2023 08:38

The way you describe him he just sounds like a so called cocklodger. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you are bound together for life under all circumstances, you can extricate him from your life if you need to.

Hal9001 · 11/05/2023 08:38

No.

He's a lazy, cheating drunk.

I would not waste any more time on him

Furbfurbfurb · 11/05/2023 08:41

I would set boundaries -£50 spending money a week and he needs to find a job.

Don’t enable his drinking. He should be trying harder and not spiralling.

NumberTheory · 11/05/2023 08:48

To ignore the most significant issues as they are already covered by others but - You’re working and he does no house work but goes out drinking?

There would be nothing at all unreasonable in you thinking this wasn’t for you and you wanted a divorce.

2023forme · 11/05/2023 09:00

@Seaside1234 - what a horrible way of living for you.

it’s not clear from your post what your AIBU is. But I doubt you’ll get anyone saying what he is doing is acceptable. Interesting he has terrible depression but can still manage to go out to the pub all the time!!

I do realise depression takes many forms but it’s convenient that his involves a sociable activity. Reminds me of a friend’s DH who had depression which meant he couldn’t work or help with the DC but he could still play golf 3 times a week, have dinner and drinks in the club house and a lads weekend away to Spain for golf!!

and we’ll done you for recognising you had a problem with drinking and stopping (I’m in the process after a few awful years).

Isheabastard · 11/05/2023 09:43

You are not unreasonable, you are being taken for a ride.

Re depression. I can only speak from my experience and I’m not a drinker. But I am surprised that someone with depression goes to the pub so often.

Depression often means that you can’t get out of the house, if you want to drink, you would drink alone. I may be wrong but that jumped out at me.

i agree with all the other posters.

DonnaBanana · 11/05/2023 10:07

I would set boundaries -£50 spending money a week and he needs to find a job.

You basically have a teenage son at that point and not a romantic life partner.

Original poster
Seaside1234 · 11/05/2023 13:24

BusMumsHoliday · 11/05/2023 08:17

No, he's not behaving reasonably. You can't go on like this.

I think that before you have the conversation with him you need to work out what you want from it. Is it a last ditch attempt to get him to change or do you just want to end your marriage? Going through this conversation with a counsellor beforehand might be helpful for you.

Also, you're autistic and allowed to communicate in ways that work best for you. My DH is autistic and although it seems unusual, we have lots of "big chats" over text. His auditory processing is not good when he's stressed and he finds the emotional processing easier when he's alone. It works for us. So don't feel you have to communicate in a face to face chat. For all you've done for him, he can adapt a bit to you, too.

Thank you so much for this perspective. I communicate much better via writing and especially via text, oddly - it hadn't occurred to me that it is ok to do that, and I was beating myself up to somehow have a conversation in person on the basis that that's the 'right' thing to do. The longer I go on post-diagnosis, the more I learn about how it impacts my life...

OP posts:
Original poster
Seaside1234 · 11/05/2023 13:27

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the support and suggestions. I am fairly sure that the response to anything will be that I'm being unsupportive, and it's nice to see it reflected back that no, I have been nothing but supportive, and look where it's got me. Still not sure how I tackle this next, but the moral backup is much appreciated!

OP posts:
PollyPut · 11/05/2023 13:32

My immediate concern would be wondering how much debt he is accumulating, what interest rate he's paying and whether or not you're going to end up liable (or worse, the house being at risk).

Can you start to tackle it on a factual basis by trying to work out where the debt is and the interest rates? And what can be done to reduce those rates?

Original poster
Seaside1234 · 11/05/2023 13:35

He has always flatly refused to discuss money in any detail. I think a combination of denial and embarrassment at being in that situation. I'll fully admit that I've been happier not knowing the details, but it's something I need to steel myself to be direct about. I just don't know where to start.

OP posts:
PollyPut · 11/05/2023 13:45

@Seaside1234 I would suggest you try the approach of talking to him to him first. Or texting as someone said.

But if you get nowhere, have you considered getting a one-off copy of your own credit report from Experian or another similar company? That would be one way to find out if there are any massive red flags on his report that affect your credit score as a financially associated member of the same household. It will either provide a bit of piece of mind or a factual discussion point.

I see some places allow you to sign up and check it regularly but I would avoid this as it would be unnecessary (and also I've heard it can work against people to check their credit score frequently - although I don't know if that's true).

To clarify - I doubt you can ask for his credit report without his permission but you can definitely get your own.

kweeble · 11/05/2023 14:46

I would make plans to split up - and I agree - try to find out as much about his finances whilst you can.

Original poster
Seaside1234 · 11/05/2023 14:52

Yes, have checked my credit report and it's fine. I assume he is meeting at least minimum payments on any debt

OP posts:
PollyPut · 11/05/2023 14:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

PollyPut · 11/05/2023 15:00

Seaside1234 · 11/05/2023 14:52

Yes, have checked my credit report and it's fine. I assume he is meeting at least minimum payments on any debt

I cross-posted, sorry.

Glad that the report looks fine.

Whatabouteverything · 11/05/2023 15:03

Wicksytricksy · 11/05/2023 07:57

He's a cheat and a problem drinker, he doesn't work, runs up debt, doesn't do housework, doesn't seem to contribute positively in anyway to your life, I bet he's a crap dad too.

Why would you want to be with a man who treats you so poorly? LTB and I bet your life would be better and happier.

THIS