Looking for opinions on whether my thoughts on husband's behaviour are unreasonable. I have quite poor self-judgement and am struggling to tell.
Together 21 years, married 17. 2 kids. He has a long history of pretty terrible depression, mostly under better control these days. I have long-standing anxiety issues, was finally diagnosed as autistic aged 42, a few years back. He had an affair several years ago - we opted to stay together, went through marriage counselling but haven't kept up good communication (we're both v poor at conflict, we never argue and avoid difficult conversations like the plague).
He's freelance, and basically lost all work at beginning of Covid. It has mostly not come back, although it feels to me that he's not been working very hard to find work. I have a professional job, and have been paying mortgage, nearly all the bills and most routine expenses since onset of Covid, so 3 years; he wasn't previously contributing reliably. I can afford this if I work a bit extra, but I can't get financially ahead. I do all housework unless I directly ask him to do anything.
He's always liked a drink, but this has significantly escalated since post-Covid reopening. He had a bad depressive episode in January where all he did was sleep and go out drinking. He's a lot better now, but is still regularly out at the pub until late, coming home pissed. I stopped drinking at the end of last year when it was starting to be a problem for me. He has always completely refused to discuss money other than superficially, but I know he's had significant debt before and I don't imagine he's managed to pay it off.
Essentially, he is not contributing anything significant financially but spending presumably reasonable amounts on going out drinking while I am having to work extra to make our ends meet, and he won't discuss money. I am doing all housework and supporting us all financially. With stopping drinking I have regained at least some self-respect and think this is all not ok, but my self judgment is very poor and the prospect of having to communicate all of this directly to him leaves me completely frozen - I quite literally can't do it. Before I figure out how/what I'm going to do, please tell me if I'm being unreasonable? I know he's had a really hard few years with losing work, etc, but I'm starting to suspect I'm being taken for a ride.