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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU not to go to my daughter's school play?

54 replies

unreasonableuna · 10/05/2023 20:06

Hi. I've changed my username for the purpose of this post. Obviously I can't decide if I'm being unreasonable or not, and would appreciate your thoughts.
Ex husband and I divorced some years ago, after he cheated on me. He is still with the other woman. He and I have little to do with each other, now that our children are older and have their own phones etc. His partner hasn't bonded with our children at all. She doesn't have kids of her own and made it clear she wasn't interested in anyone else's. So she never goes on holiday with my ex and the children, never goes out with them in general, not even for a meal. She takes no interest in their lives and in fact goes out of her way to avoid them when they stay every other weekend.
Whenever ex husband and I have had a joint thing to attend - such as a parents' evening at school - she has never come. I have never so much as clapped eyes on her.
My 13 year old daughter has a big part in a school play next week. Ex husband has decided to bring his partner along. That is fine, but I just don't want to be there. I know it sounds silly and vain, but I'm menopausal and have put SO much weight on. I look and feel dreadful.
It goes without saying that I never would want to miss my daughter's school play. So I decided on a genius compromise well I thought so anyway. She attends a small private school that is pretty relaxed. So I emailed the teacher to ask if it would be possible for me to go to the daytime production of the play, which is for the school staff and pupils (families go in the evenings). The teacher was more than happy for me to come in the afternoon.
Thing is though, my daughter isn't happy about it. She's saying it's embarrassing that I'm going to the non-family showing. I highly doubt anyone would notice my presence, but there we are. My work owes me some time off, and I was going to organise that. I was looking forward to watching my daughter's play in a more relaxed way. I'm not an anxious person, but the thought of attending the same one as my ex and his partner makes me feel awful.
Am I being very unreasonable? I'm just trying to please everyone and clearly failing Sad
Thanks.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 10/05/2023 20:12

I’m sorry OP, this sounds a hard situation to be in. If it’s making you really anxious I’d just go to the afternoon rehearsal, but try and sit a bit further back so DC isn’t too embarrassed 😂 you can always tell her you have to work in the evening - and deep down she will be glad you saw her and didn’t miss it.

Failing that, I’d still go to the evening show. You don’t have to speak to the OW or sit near her, but you’ll regret not going and it’s not fair on your DC for you not to go.

MargaretThursday · 10/05/2023 20:29

Are they seated tickets so you can make sure your seat is well away? Or go with a friend?

I can remember being 13yo and the cringing embarrassment of dm doing something that made me stand out as different.
Yes, it's unreasonable on the face of it, but if she's already nervous about her big part, and may want to show off in front of you with a big audience, then the thought of everyone saying to her "why's your mum there now?" may just be too much for her. It's not so much about you being there, so much as the only one there, so you will stand out.

I think I'd try and find a couple of friends who will come with you (perhaps her godmother or similar) that you can spend your time when she's not on stage very clearly having a wonderful chat to, then that gives a good "I don't care" air to your ex.
Then arrange to go somewhere for a celebration afterwards and tell her you're going, (even if it's only an ice cream) that your dd will be wanting to get to and not go and chat to him.

Wouldn't he be thrilled to think you weren't going to see your dd's wonderful moment because of him? Don't give him that satisfaction.

Alwaysdoingsomethingwrong · 10/05/2023 20:32

I think some things you swallow your pride and crack on with things as expected. In this case you go to the evening performance with all the other parents

lupinlapain · 10/05/2023 20:32

I think you should go to the show for family and friends.

Your daughter wants you there. That is ALL that matters.

TeaKitten · 10/05/2023 20:32

Just go to the main production and don’t sit near them, it’s about your daughter at the end of the day and she doesn’t want you at the day time one.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/05/2023 20:34

You should go to the evening performance for your daughter. You are the adult, act like it. If you really couldn’t make it the afternoon show would be a good compromise but for this reason no it is not appropriate.

TeenLifeMum · 10/05/2023 20:34

Be there for your daughter and take a friend. She won’t remember her dad’s girlfriend being there but she’ll remember you not being there forever. She wants you there so I’m afraid it’s time to take a deep breath and do it for her. Just ignore him and her.

OliveToboogie · 10/05/2023 20:35

You DD doesn't want to be different to her peers. Go to the evening show. You don't have to interact with Ex or OW.

BTW she sounds a nasty piece of work treating your kids like that and shame on their dad for allowing it.

takealettermsjones · 10/05/2023 20:36

Sorry but I think YABU. You need to swallow your pride and just go. Ignore the partner - she sounds horrible anyway so why would you give a rat's arse what she thinks of you? Focus on your daughter and how hard she's worked, and then have celebratory ice creams with her afterwards and have a little internal laugh at the petty woman who's missing out on being in her life.

SuperABunDance · 10/05/2023 20:37

What will you do when she gets married? Only go to the rehearsal?
You need to act the sultans put your DD first, I'm afraid. You don't need to speak to them, you do need to be there for your DD.

Oysterbabe · 10/05/2023 20:37

You should go to the normal showing, stop being ridiculous. Who cares what his new partner thinks (which I'm sure will be nothing)? It's completely irrelevant. Put your DD first.

Hotfootgoose · 10/05/2023 20:39

You have never met this woman, so you don’t know what she looks like I presume. She might be completely plain and normal, not a super model or blonde bombshell at all. I’m any event, Just remember you are mummy, the one and only mummy, so your presence is special and needed - hers isn’t .

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 10/05/2023 20:40

I'm sorry, but YABU. She'll have to explain why you are literally the only parent at the staff showing and at the night performance she'll want to see you afterwards so you can say well done etc.

Just don't sit near them or speak to them.

batsandeggs · 10/05/2023 20:45

I know this is a difficult situation, but you’re being unreasonable. Your daughter is the only thing that matters here. That doesn’t mean you won’t find it difficult but you’ve never once compromised on events for your children since the divorce, going by what youve said here. Don’t do it now because some woman you’ve never even seen is going to be there. Who cares? Don’t make this something your daughter will remember forever in a negative way. Remember also that your children will be learning from you through this. Show them that nothing will stop you living your life and supporting your kids. Take a friend, hold your head up, and go see your girl.

SoTired12 · 10/05/2023 20:47

I'd be surprised if his new partner turned up tbh.

Don't let some home wrecking trollop intimidate you to the point you have to 'hide'. You've done nothing wrong, hold your head high and enjoy your daughters play ❤️

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 10/05/2023 20:47

Why do you care what some random woman thinks? She might not even go. I bet she really doesn't want to. Go. For your DD. Sit away from them and ignore them.

Newname2323 · 10/05/2023 20:48

Just sit far away from ex husband and his partner. You don't have to see each other

BasiliskStare · 10/05/2023 20:49

Honestly if your DD wants you there in the evening - just go. She wants you there. Forget your thoughts about the menopausal weight - just forget it - I know easier said than done but do try . Just put on something nice & turn up for your DD. DD won't give ( I suspect ) a rats hoot about ex DH's partner.

Lunde · 10/05/2023 20:49

You need to go to the evening performance and stop putting your dd in the middle - your dd wants her mum there!

Newname2323 · 10/05/2023 20:50

Also who gives a toss if you've put weight on. We already know OW isn't a nice person on the inside so fuck what she thinks. I wouldn't be surprised if she was nervous too, she's a coward hence why you have never clapped eyes on her

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 10/05/2023 20:50

Will the OW even turn up on the night given she has no interest in your children?

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/05/2023 20:53

Is it too late to volunteer backstage?

But if not, I don’t think you should have to let the other women push you out of something as important as your daughter’s school play. Show up, dress classy and expensive. If you see her, look down at her like she’s trash.

You’re the mother. You’ve earned your spot in the front row.

Original poster
unreasonableuna · 10/05/2023 20:55

Thank you everyone. You have been kind and supportive, despite my unreasonableness Grin

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 10/05/2023 20:55

Also, if she hasn’t gained menopausal weight, then this is reason for her to panic. He’ll probably dump her for a younger version at some point given he has form. Get a good friend to try and help you see all this from another perspective. Bring someone with you for moral support.

MummyJ36 · 10/05/2023 20:56

If DD was younger then I don’t think this would be a problem but I think the fact that she’s 13 and making it clear she’s embarrassed at you coming earlier in the day I think you need to suck it up and go to the evening show. Please don’t put your own insecurities ahead of your daughters feelings. As others have said, take a friend and sit as far away as possible from ex-husband and wife. There is no need to interact with them.