Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU not to go to my daughter's school play?

54 replies

unreasonableuna · 10/05/2023 20:06

Hi. I've changed my username for the purpose of this post. Obviously I can't decide if I'm being unreasonable or not, and would appreciate your thoughts.
Ex husband and I divorced some years ago, after he cheated on me. He is still with the other woman. He and I have little to do with each other, now that our children are older and have their own phones etc. His partner hasn't bonded with our children at all. She doesn't have kids of her own and made it clear she wasn't interested in anyone else's. So she never goes on holiday with my ex and the children, never goes out with them in general, not even for a meal. She takes no interest in their lives and in fact goes out of her way to avoid them when they stay every other weekend.
Whenever ex husband and I have had a joint thing to attend - such as a parents' evening at school - she has never come. I have never so much as clapped eyes on her.
My 13 year old daughter has a big part in a school play next week. Ex husband has decided to bring his partner along. That is fine, but I just don't want to be there. I know it sounds silly and vain, but I'm menopausal and have put SO much weight on. I look and feel dreadful.
It goes without saying that I never would want to miss my daughter's school play. So I decided on a genius compromise well I thought so anyway. She attends a small private school that is pretty relaxed. So I emailed the teacher to ask if it would be possible for me to go to the daytime production of the play, which is for the school staff and pupils (families go in the evenings). The teacher was more than happy for me to come in the afternoon.
Thing is though, my daughter isn't happy about it. She's saying it's embarrassing that I'm going to the non-family showing. I highly doubt anyone would notice my presence, but there we are. My work owes me some time off, and I was going to organise that. I was looking forward to watching my daughter's play in a more relaxed way. I'm not an anxious person, but the thought of attending the same one as my ex and his partner makes me feel awful.
Am I being very unreasonable? I'm just trying to please everyone and clearly failing Sad
Thanks.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 10/05/2023 20:59

I'm sorry OP, but you have to go to the play. Tell your dd it was just a wobble and you can't wait to see her. I've gained weight since menopause and sometimes find it hard to reconcile the me now with the way I was all my life. But no way will it stop me doing what I want.

Don't let a bit of weight stop you living your life. Especially if you are only concerned about a woman who is nothing to you.

Go. enjoy the lovely evening. Enjoy the other parents saying to you how great your dd is. enjoy it all.

Mummyof287 · 10/05/2023 20:59

Sometimes as parents we just have to suck things up and get on with it for the sake of our kids....I've had to sit at numerous birthday parties awkwardly avoiding a parent who i was good friends with but who then suddenly turned against me, pretending I didn't know her, which was pretty hard and made me feel crap.But I wouldn't have had DD missing the party because of my issues as that would have been really unfair.

edwinbear · 10/05/2023 21:03

Go to the evening performance. Otherwise you’re prioritising what your ex & his new partner think, over what your daughter thinks. It’s her big night - she needs her mum! Smile, be proud of her and don’t give them a second thought.

Original poster
unreasonableuna · 10/05/2023 21:04

I will go to the evening one. Eek!

OP posts:
SoTired12 · 10/05/2023 21:40

unreasonableuna · 10/05/2023 21:04

I will go to the evening one. Eek!

Well done OP ❤️ you'll be happy you did.

BriarHare · 10/05/2023 21:45

I’m sure it’s an uncomfortable prospect,
but you need to put your daughter first and go to the evening performance. None of this is her fault.

PollyPut · 10/05/2023 21:47

I'd do the evening one too. It'll be dark most of the time, just sit away from your ex

Spiderboy · 10/05/2023 21:53

unreasonableuna · 10/05/2023 21:04

I will go to the evening one. Eek!

Your DD will be chuffed. Who knows, GF might not even turn up. But just keep your daughter in your sight and remember why you are there.

LocalHobo · 10/05/2023 21:55

I wouldn't go.
At 13 I would simply be honest. Tell DD that you are desperate to see her performance but, going in the evening is causing you anxiety so, if she is unhappy about you seeing the dress rehearsal then you will have to forgo seeing her act.
At 13 she can empathise with your feelings? It would be very different if DD were younger.

WeWereInParis · 10/05/2023 21:59

I'm glad you've decided to go. I agree with PPs that it's about your daughter. I remember at uni there were other students really stressed about graduation because their divorced parents wouldn't be in the same room as each other/new partners. I know this isn't a graduation and I'm sure you wouldn't miss that, but balancing the parents caused these people so much stress and a 13 year old will notice it too.

EweCee · 10/05/2023 21:59

You put your child first and go to the evening show. Go have your hair done, buy a new top, but whatever, you go to the evening show, smile and put on a front so your DD sees you there celebrating her moment.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/05/2023 22:00

In years to come that young teen will really see how amazing her mum is for going to her play.

Head high and into the breach, you've got this.

Treesoutsidemywindow · 10/05/2023 22:04

Well done for making the decision to go along to the evening performance OP! Like some others have said, I feel pretty sure that the OW probably won't turn up on the night, and your Ex will be the one feeling like a fool.

In the meantime, just something to think about - does your DD love you any less because you've put on a bit of weight? No of course she doesn't, and as she's the one that this is all about that's all that matters. Personally, I wouldn't give a shit for what some husband stealing, child hater thinks! So go, and have a great time, you'll be so glad you did, BUT just in case you're thinking of chickening out, please know that not only will you feel miserable, for letting the OW get one over on you mentally, but also for letting down your DD.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 10/05/2023 22:20

I feel for you about the weight (can relate 😂) but I presume you don't want to be back with your ex; making any man 'regret you' by feeling/looking amazing is ultimately, quite an empty pursuit, and if you want to look thinner then that is for you alone.

In the words of Paul Dano, in the brilliant 'Little Miss Sunshine':

Dwayne : You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.

TheShade · 10/05/2023 22:22

YABU. Sorry OP.
Don’t let your ex/OW ruin this for your daughter. I think you need to set your jaw and attend the proper performance.

UsingChangeofName · 10/05/2023 23:33

Yes, YwerBU, but I am glad you have listened to that and taken it on board.

At 13, most things parents do are mortifying. Creating an additional situation to embarrass your dd would not have been good.

Remember as your dd gets older, there will be more, bigger and important days in her life where she will want both parents to be there and, even if your exdh's new partner was the other woman, she is still his long term partner and it isn't unreasonable for her to attend some events with him. You don't have to sit by them on this occasion. It is a step you have to take.

TunnocksOrDeath · 10/05/2023 23:37

Take a hot male friend. Say nothing. Leave together.

DividedHouses · 11/05/2023 02:59

I completely relate, have gained a ton of weight and really don't want to see colleagues at other offices who haven't seen me since before COVID. But for my daughter, I'd get my hair and nails done, buy some new mascara or lipstick or whatever, get something to wear that made me feel nice but not conspicuous and if I could, ask a friend to save me a seat at the back and on the end. And I'd sidle in and out. The OW won't know anyone else there and probably won't even recognize you. Enjoy your daughter's performance and screw OW and Ex.

Fraaahnces · 11/05/2023 03:03

Just let your daughter know that you intend to slip in and out unnoticed because you are feeling bad about your appearance at the moment. Maybe she will understand and be empathetic.

saraclara · 11/05/2023 05:24

Fraaahnces · 11/05/2023 03:03

Just let your daughter know that you intend to slip in and out unnoticed because you are feeling bad about your appearance at the moment. Maybe she will understand and be empathetic.

No. That's a terrible thing to do to her daughter. For any number of reasons.

This event isn't about OP in any way at all. The daughter should not have to have any aspect of her parents' attendance to worry about. And certainly not get mother's lack of body confidence (which apparently would be more important than sticking around to congratulate her daughter)

saraclara · 11/05/2023 05:25

Get= her

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 11/05/2023 05:27

I think you need to think about your DD. She wants you there for the big evening show.

Tise above your ex and his girlfriend. Pretend they don’t exist. You’re there for your daughter.

rowanoak · 11/05/2023 05:47

Oh, God. Please don't put your personal insecurities and relationship issues ahead of your daughter. My mom did that to me my whole life and now I have absolutely no relationship with her by my choice. I wasn't important enough for her to put ahead of her own fragile ego and emotional instabilities and so now I only surround myself with people who show up for me and let me know I'm the most important person in their life (and vice versa).

Please stop being so immature, vain, and ridiculous. I sense huge emotional stuntedness and therefore emotional unavailability. Can you go to therapy! I read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and it explained so much and I wish my parents would have worked on themselves and grown up!

I do understand your insecurities and it might be difficult but please put your daughter first. She didn't ask for any of this. Do it for her. It will be okay!

rowanoak · 11/05/2023 05:49

No, this is parentification and emotional incest. It's inappropriate to lean on a young daughter emotionally like this.

Plus as a good role model we should be teaching out daughters we are beautiful just the way we are and to be confident! Children learn what is modeled to them.

OP please don't burden your daughter with your own insecurities and don't make her events all about YOU! :(

rowanoak · 11/05/2023 05:50

Fraaahnces · 11/05/2023 03:03

Just let your daughter know that you intend to slip in and out unnoticed because you are feeling bad about your appearance at the moment. Maybe she will understand and be empathetic.

Sorry, my post directly above this was in response to @Fraaahnces post quoted here.