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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Male member of staff too friendly with female students

49 replies

Namechanged17283 · 10/05/2023 19:38

Have name changed for this. Am questioning my judgment. Please be kind. Am so unsure.

Male member of staff in school. I too am a member of staff. I just feel uncomfortable with the attention he gives female children.

Eg making them jump by grabbing a girls shoulders from behind. Commenting on how lovely they look. Eg their hair. Has only been a handful of occasions but I've felt uncomfortable each time.

He's been there so long and is very well trusted.

Primary school.

It could just be that he's a bit awkward socially. He does seem a bit that way.

Just my spidery senses are alerted when I see these things.

Opinions gratefully received.

OP posts:
tikkanaan · 10/05/2023 19:39

He shouldn't be touching them.

EmmaEmerald · 10/05/2023 19:39

This is appalling.

BCBird · 10/05/2023 19:40

Voice your concerns to the person in charge of child protection at school. It is not for yiu to decide if the behaviour is suspect,let simeone more senior than you deal with it.

Beekdet · 10/05/2023 19:40

Report your concerns and let them investigate.

Ionacat · 10/05/2023 19:41

Check your safeguarding/low level concerns policy and report in line with it. (Generally you’d speak to the head.)

TheFallenMadonna · 10/05/2023 19:41

You will have covered this in safeguarding training. You report it to the Head.

Fandabedodgy · 10/05/2023 19:50

Beekdet · 10/05/2023 19:40

Report your concerns and let them investigate.

Absolutely this.

When the low level stuff isn't dealt with the line that gets crossed keeps getting pushed further.

Original poster
Namechanged17283 · 10/05/2023 19:52

Thank you. It does feel like grooming but then I question myself and think I'm too wary and am reading too much into it.

OP posts:
Doublegloucester · 10/05/2023 19:57

Trust your gut.

‘He's been there so long and is very well trusted.’

This is what child abusers do, gain adults’ trust and make themselves untouchable. Family member who works in criminal justice has said this many times.

We had a situation where a male member of staff was lying on the floor with kids and getting them to give him a massage. This was exactly what the governors said - he’d been there a long time and everyone trusts him. Really had to push to get him out.

Please report.

Mamansparkles · 10/05/2023 20:00

It may just be he is socially awkward but even if that is all it is he still needs to be reminded of boundaries!
Telling a child their new hairstyle looks great = fine. Commenting all the time on the girls' hair = not so fine.
Grabbing shoulders (other than to eg stop them falling over or running into a road) = definitely not fine at all.

pickledandpuzzled · 10/05/2023 20:16

You could approach from the perspective of 'It's really important that we treat male and female children the same. Otherwise we leave ourselves open to accusations of grooming or of sexism. We want both boys and girls to have the same sense of bodily autonomy, and avoid teaching the girls to expect men to casually touch them without permission.'

MightyEagle · 10/05/2023 20:17

You're a member of staff, and yet you've apparently had zero safeguarding training......?

FrancescaContini · 10/05/2023 20:19

Please please trust your gut instinct. I’d flag it up with the SLT asap as this behaviour has red flags all over it.

Feel so sorry for those girls having this disgusting creep around them at SCHOOL.

IamAlso4eels · 10/05/2023 20:19

Renewed my safeguarding training this week and the one overarching takeaway from it was to trust your gut, if you have even the smallest of doubts then report it. Better to report and it be nothing than ignore it and miss the chance to protect a child/children.

Season0fTheWitch · 10/05/2023 20:21

There isn't always malicious intent behind things like this, but it's entirely inappropriate nonetheless, and isn't worth the risk of ignoring it.

Raise the issues with your DSL/Head.

Absolutely do not speak about this with anyone else you work with or who knows him. Follow your procedures and then stay out of it.

Original poster
Namechanged17283 · 10/05/2023 20:23

I have had safeguarding training. I'm just questioning my 'line' and wondering if it's the same as someone else's 'line'. If that makes any sense.

But as others have helpfully pointed out, it's not for me to judge. It's only for me to hand to the relevant person.

Thank you

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2023 20:24

But as others have helpfully pointed out, it's not for me to judge.

This.

Original poster
Namechanged17283 · 10/05/2023 20:54

👍

OP posts:
MrsHamlet · 10/05/2023 20:57

If you are a teacher you know you have to report this to the DSL

Premiumchange · 10/05/2023 21:00

If you're a member of staff in a school you know damn well what you need to do - speak to a DSL tomorrow.

mbosnz · 10/05/2023 21:02

Something may be innocent, and still inappropriate, in which case it's in his own best interests that someone alerts management and he is informed/reminded.

Runaway1 · 10/05/2023 21:19

New staff are most likely to spot a predator - everyone else’s in the institution has been groomed. That’s what we were told in safeguarding training.

Hect · 10/05/2023 22:03

Inappropriate based off what you’ve said.

sorry to jump on, might have to start my own thread. I had a female secondary teacher as I was in high school (nearly10 years ago) I was 16 in year 11 and she swapped mobile numbers with me in the term of my GCSEs for moral support and was emailing me on her personal email, would you say this is inappropriate or different? Never reported it

pleasehelpimlost · 10/05/2023 22:04

pickledandpuzzled · 10/05/2023 20:16

You could approach from the perspective of 'It's really important that we treat male and female children the same. Otherwise we leave ourselves open to accusations of grooming or of sexism. We want both boys and girls to have the same sense of bodily autonomy, and avoid teaching the girls to expect men to casually touch them without permission.'

Couldn't put it better myself

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