AIBU to think that statistically it feels like good relationships are rare?

[ThatFraggle]

Finding a good relationship seems statistically impossible.

1. You want someone who you like as a person.

1. And they like you back.

1. And your values are compatible.

1. And your religious and political views are compatible, or at least tolerable.

1. They have the emotional maturity to navigate a relationship. AND

They have done work to resolve past traumas, family issues, past hurts, etc.

1. They are financially solvent and can manage money in a healthy way.

1. You find them physically attractive, and they find you the same.

1. They are competent in cooking/cleaning and they carry their own weight when it comes to housework.

It seems like a needle on a haystack situation to find that, and that if relationships met those criteria then 90% of people would be single or in meaningless hook ups.

*in a haystack

I'm afraid to say I think finding someone who will tick every one of those boxes is indeed rare. Which is why so many women compromise and increasingly many decide it's not really worth it. I can think of perhaps two out of all my friends where I think their spouse/LTP is a genuinely good, compatible match. Most of the rest are compromising in one are or another.

The thing I have come to terms with in life is that on the money front it's basically a lose lose for women. There are basically two types of men and neither is ideal. You either find someone who is solvent/earns more than you and they (whether explicitly or not) will consider themselves to be "in charge" of finances, financial and living decisions. This person is dynamic, ambitious and driven and often happy to more than pay his way but very unwilling to compromise his career in order to support yours and implicitly considers you as a support animal.

Or, you find someone who earns less than you and is happy to take more of a back seat and comfortable with you being the breadwinner and doing more domestic work as a quid pro quo. This person, though, consequently is much less driven and ambitious, happy go lucky and chilled about life in general (and at the extreme end) a cocklodger.

Every relationship I have ever had with a man has fallen into one of those two categories. I am in my 50s and have never found one who considers himself a genuine equal. I can't stand being ordered around and playing second fiddle so I've tended to opt for man B in this scenario and have found a fairly good compromise with my current partner but it can be a slippery slope to boredom, resentment and financial exploitation.

I would say dh ticks all the boxes except no8! But I’m a sahm mum and he works long hours so il let him off!

Well - I think that 3, 4 and 7 lead into 1 and 2. And 1/2/3/4/7 are all subjective so while there will only be a minority of people who fulfil those criteria specifically for you, the idea that most people can find compatible partners in this area should not be so far fetched.

I think 5 is fairly key in the relationship being healthy and is often overlooked.

6 and 8 are really just values - there will be people who don't particularly care about money/income, and/or are happy to eat ready meals/takeaways/do all the cooking/live in a less clean environment, so I think you should roll that into criteria 3: shared values.

I'd say my DH and I tick all those boxes. But you often hear more about people's relationships when there are problems

I think I agree, but I’d add that this needs to be maintained over time, and I this is where relationships fail as people change over time, and not necessarily together.

Yes same here.

I have one of those rare relationships and I am very lucky indeed.

If I ever end up single I fully accept that’s it for me as that was the one I could be bothered with. Of all my friends and relatives I know one other couple who appear like this.

I don't think this is particularly rare- most couples I know would tick all the boxes. You just hear more about the people who don't.

I think (as a divorced SP with a decent career) that the answer is finding someone you are compatible with socially, intellectually, sexually etc and then NOT expecting it to progress to living together, totally financial enmeshment and co-dependence. I've been with my partner for 8 years. It's great. We spend time together when kids are elsewhere, go away together, help each other out and have lunches and dinners out when we can. Sex is great and we say "I love you" but the truth is, if it ended, I wouldnt fall flat on my face. I don't have to consult or compromise about my domestic life and I am secure in the knowledge my home can't be turned upside down because someone's feelings change. We're together solely because we want to be, not because it's too hard to leave, which in a bizarre way gives me more certainty about his feelings than if we shared a dishwasher rota.

I think a lot of it is down to compatability and I also think its luck as to whether or not two compatible people find each other

I also think a lot of people are together because they aren't able to financially run a home on their own.

Yes I agree with this.
If I was to live with someone again they’d have to be very special!
As it is I’m happier alone than I was married.

My husband ticks all of those boxes. The majority of my friends are happily married and I assume their husbands tick all of those boxes too. I don't think it is that rare.

I think once you reach middle age it’s clear that some relationships are still going because it’s easier to stay than to go.

I know lots of happy young couples, lots of mediocre middle aged couples.

Well - I think that 3, 4 and 7 lead into 1 and 2.

I agree with you, and I'd add 5 and 6! I have zero personal or sexual attraction to people who are a hot mess emotionally or in having their shit together. And if you can do the rest, you can learn to cook so I wouldn't worry about 8.

I didn't have to worry about my husband liking me back, because I also seem to only like people when it's transparently obvious we both like each other.

A lot of people seem to have hard wired attractions to certain personality traits or looks that means they get blinded by those things.

Not being a people pleaser, I expect my relationships to please me - otherwise there's no point?

I think the rarity of good relationships is due to people who need A relationship rather than those who only want GOOD relationships.

My DH ticks all these boxes and other friends and family are happily married. I think one thing to consider is what you bring to the table as much as you have expectations from the other person in the relationship.

My dh ticks every one of the boxes. I think it's like anything- you hear more bad reviews than good and people tend to share relationship woes more than they share simply being happy and loved/loving.
I think it's also impossible to come up with anything accurate based on "statistically feel like" It's more likely to be either statistically or it's feels like.
Anyway rather than write off everyone, focus on what are YOUR sides of the 8 boxes and consider whether you are being reasonable or unattainable and go from there. My advice always is never settle for less than you are worth, and never let another person settle for less than they're worth either.

@BibbleandSqwauk

We're together solely because we want to be, not because it's too hard to leave, which in a bizarre way gives me more certainty about his feelings than if we shared a dishwasher rota.

Totally agree with this. Marriages and cohabiting LTRs can create such a stifling dependency: people often seem to lose track of whether they actually even like one another, they just wash one another's socks. A lot of people actually seem to like this too.

I have this. You just seem to hear about the bad and not the good.

I think I've got 7 out of 8, and the reason he fails on 8 is because he literally can't see things on the floor etc, because of visual impairment, for which he has a white stick. He does do what he can and he has a cleaner.

Neither of us was really looking for a relationship though.

I dunno about statistically, but anecdotally, decent relationships are as rare as fuckery.

On a good day I would say DH and I tick almost if not all of those boxes. I’m lucky, but then so is he!

Very happily married (eldest child 20s).

DH was probably 1,2,3, 4 when we met.

He is now all except the cooking and cleaning 🤪

Sometimes the best things are built together.

My DH is all of these things. He’s the best man I’ve ever met. And thank goodness he is because I wouldn’t have gotten through a breast cancer diagnosis when our DD was 16 weeks old and the 9 months of treatment that followed if he wasn’t. I do worry that only having one normal boob, a c section scar and currently being bald and looking haggard means I don’t tick number 7 for him anymore and never will again but he assures me that’s not the case 😞