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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call off an engagement but stay together

146 replies

Lidale · 10/05/2023 10:24

Is it weird? How many people have done it and if so did you ever end up with a happily ever after down the line with the same person?

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 10/05/2023 11:02

Lidale · 10/05/2023 10:59

I don't think I'm explaining myself clearly.

Dp "proposed" without actually asking me out right which started everything off wrong. I was left confused and frustrated and consequently it ended up in an argument which to me then tainted our "proposal" if you could call it that.

He then tried to re-propose again a week later by actually making clear but I just felt it cheapened the whole thing. We was having relationship issues before this, and was in relationship counselling.

I came to the conclusion that I didn't want my engagement to hold such a negative weight everytime I had to relay the story to someone or think about it and that coupled with the fact that we still had issues that needed major ironing out I thought it best to call it off.

I know relationships aren't perfect but I wanted to feel we was at our most happiest when we get engaged so we can actually feel joy and celebatory feelings rather than bad ones.

Around the time of our engagement some secrets came out about my dps finances ect that just clouded everything.

However all that said its been over a year now and we are doing better. I still intend to be married, whether to him or not. It's not that I don't want to be married. I just want to feel happiness about it rather than anguish. Hope that makes it more understandable

Surely if he proposes again you'll still think back to the first time anyway though? Although, if it was me, I wouldn't be asking you again.

The last part made it sound like you don't really want to be with him anyway and you'd be quite happy marrying someone else.

Seas164 · 10/05/2023 11:03

I still intend to be married, whether to him or not.

Eh?

Im going to need more information about the series of unfortunate events...

SaladRooney · 10/05/2023 11:04

I still intend to be married, whether to him or not. It's not that I don't want to be married.

I don't think it's your way of expressing yourself that's the problem, it's that your thinking is hopelessly muddled. No one is asking you about whether you approve of marriage as an institution or not, people are wondering why on earth you seem to see being engaged and married as some entirely different and unrelated thing to your actual relationship, which has significant problems, quite apart from the fact you didn't like his proposal.

Now you say you 'still intend to be married', but don't seem sure about the identity of the groom?????

Original poster
Lidale · 10/05/2023 11:04

@MuffinToSeeHere you are taking what I said too literally. I just mean whether we work out or not I DO want to get married, and its not the fact that I'm opposed or not bothered by marriage that made me call it off

OP posts:
MuffinToSeeHere · 10/05/2023 11:05

Lidale · 10/05/2023 11:04

@MuffinToSeeHere you are taking what I said too literally. I just mean whether we work out or not I DO want to get married, and its not the fact that I'm opposed or not bothered by marriage that made me call it off

How can I be taking it too literally... You've literally written in black and white that you want to get married but you don't mind if it's to him. Happy couple's don't think like that.

restisall · 10/05/2023 11:05

Without knowing what the issues are it’s tricky to say but I think it’s fair enough to want the proposal/ engagement to be special. People have been making engagements special long before instagram.

My now-husband is a wonderful partner, but didn’t really make any effort when he proposed, just asked me while I was looking at my phone on the sofa. I was disappointed, he was disappointed that I was disappointed and our engagement started on a pretty flat note.

I told him it would mean a lot to me if he would plan a nice dinner or something to celebrate our engagement so we could still get some romance out of it. Would that be an option?

I find on mumsnet people are always very sympathetic when someone is sad that their partner hasn’t made an effort for their birthday or Christmas, but are routinely derided if they’re upset about the lack of effort in a proposal. I don’t get it!

Dixiechickonhols · 10/05/2023 11:06

I think you need to move on perhaps with counselling and decide if you want to marry or not. What’s done is done. He proposed. You got engaged and told family. You don’t get a redo. The next step is to tell family you have booked wedding. You can’t rewrite history.
It sounds like lots of issues if your family reaction was that.

Original poster
Lidale · 10/05/2023 11:07

You are all reading this very wrong. Maybe it's the way I'm articulating myself or maybe it's just picking apart selective things

To me I see a proposal as a start to the journey towards marriage. I didn't want it to start off tainted. There were alot of issues that arose from the moment my dp "proposed", secrets, lies, issues. So I decided to call it off to be able to start it up again when we are in a much more stable and happier state and people can actually share and feel that joy for us

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 10/05/2023 11:07

an argument which to me then tainted our "proposal" if you could call it that.

He then tried to re-propose again a week later by actually making clear

So you didn't get the whole Hollywood razzmatazz, and you want to go for a third one (and beyond, presumably, until he gets it right)?
How many times do you think he'll play along with this palaver before deciding he's had enough of your nonsense?
Grow the fuck up 🤨

Original poster
Lidale · 10/05/2023 11:08

@Dixiechickonhols we have done a redo though! It's been a year since the engagement has been called off....

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 10/05/2023 11:08

I’ve been engaged for over eight years now, I wouldn’t think of calling it off just because we aren’t getting married anytime soon. But, then again, there are no issues with the relationship and I don’t feel at all uneasy about being labelled as engaged. Why on earth did he propose in the first place if you were having issues and we’re having counselling? Why did you say ‘yes’ during the second engagement? I think calling it off and getting re-engaged in your circumstances seems really weird and counter-productive to the relationship if it has been improving.

restisall · 10/05/2023 11:08

restisall · 10/05/2023 11:05

Without knowing what the issues are it’s tricky to say but I think it’s fair enough to want the proposal/ engagement to be special. People have been making engagements special long before instagram.

My now-husband is a wonderful partner, but didn’t really make any effort when he proposed, just asked me while I was looking at my phone on the sofa. I was disappointed, he was disappointed that I was disappointed and our engagement started on a pretty flat note.

I told him it would mean a lot to me if he would plan a nice dinner or something to celebrate our engagement so we could still get some romance out of it. Would that be an option?

I find on mumsnet people are always very sympathetic when someone is sad that their partner hasn’t made an effort for their birthday or Christmas, but are routinely derided if they’re upset about the lack of effort in a proposal. I don’t get it!

Okay some of the updates came through while I was writing this out. I’m sorry it’s not been a happy time OP, I get that you want it to feel like a loving, exciting, happy thing and it’s a bit gutting not to have that.

MuffinToSeeHere · 10/05/2023 11:09

We're not reading it wrong, the problem is you're missing the main point we're all making in that you should end the relationship. If you get engaged again that won't fix the problems you had before and it won't magically be a do over where you can start again. This relationship has issues and the proposal is at the very bottom of the pile.

seventyfour75 · 10/05/2023 11:09

Lidale · 10/05/2023 10:24

Is it weird? How many people have done it and if so did you ever end up with a happily ever after down the line with the same person?

Why don't you want to get married anymore?

user1497207191 · 10/05/2023 11:09

@restisall

Without knowing what the issues are it’s tricky to say but I think it’s fair enough to want the proposal/ engagement to be special.

Personally I think the "special" moment has long since passed if you already have children together and have been living together for years.

Original poster
Lidale · 10/05/2023 11:09

@ReadersD1gest if you READ what I said in a response I don't want a re do for superficial reasons. I just don't want my proposal day to be an argument and tears. Which it was. I don't need a bloody white horse or carriage or big fireworks or a beach. I was happy being proposed to in my living room thank you. What matters more to me is our emotions, and they were not good that day.

OP posts:
LivingNextDoorToNorma · 10/05/2023 11:11

I do actually know a couple who called off their engagement, and are now happily together.

They did get married, but there wasn’t a second proposal. They just agreed together that they wanted to be married, and quietly booked a small celebration.

Sissynova · 10/05/2023 11:12

Lidale · 10/05/2023 11:02

@ComeTheFuckOnBridgett something like getting it re done yes. But not for superficial reasons but because it was just all around a bad time for us both and I want us to feel happy and even more so feel happy when I announce the news to my family and friends. At the time our families where really apprehensive about our relationship so declaring the engagement wasn't met with smiles or a congrats but rather are you sure....

I don't think getting unengaged and reengaged is going to achieve what you want it to though.

Pr1mr0se · 10/05/2023 11:12

Getting married when you don't want to or it's not the right time for you both would be unreasonable.

Calling off an engagement for these reasons is reasonable.

Maybe just be engaged for longer and see how you both feel?

SaladRooney · 10/05/2023 11:12

Lidale · 10/05/2023 11:07

You are all reading this very wrong. Maybe it's the way I'm articulating myself or maybe it's just picking apart selective things

To me I see a proposal as a start to the journey towards marriage. I didn't want it to start off tainted. There were alot of issues that arose from the moment my dp "proposed", secrets, lies, issues. So I decided to call it off to be able to start it up again when we are in a much more stable and happier state and people can actually share and feel that joy for us

We're reading what you are actually saying. As I said, it's not the way you express yourself that's the problem, it's the deeply peculiar way in which you seem to think about your actual relationship and your engagement, as though they are fundamentally separate.

Your proposal isn't the start of any kind of journey -- that was the way back in times when you went from 'going out together' to 'seeing one another' to 'proposal' to 'engagement' to 'marriage', followed by living together and having children.

You're a long way into your 'journey' with this man, as you have lived together for some time and have a child. An engagement isn't hitting some magical reset button that allows you to go back to the beginning without any of the problems. You say unpleasant secrets emerged about your partner, and that you're in relationship counselling. Engagement isn't going to resolve that stuff.

TallulahBetty · 10/05/2023 11:12

Just don't get married yet/at all then. No need for a big announcement that you're no longer engaged.

DH and I got engaged very young. We therefore weren't ready to actually GET married - we waited a fair few years until we were - no one thought it odd or questioned our relationship.

OhwhyOY · 10/05/2023 11:13

I know someone whose fiancee called things off very last minute (on their wedding day!) 😱but are now happily married. It definitely is possible. If you feel you're in a better place now and would be happy to be engaged have that discussion with him. But I do think it's important not to mess about with the ither person's feelings by going back and forward on these kind of issues; that is a recipe for the other person walking out. It seems sensible to me to tell him if it didn't feel right at the time, but like I say if you feel ready now then I think I'd be looking to move forward. If you back step again then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you both.

AFineBalance · 10/05/2023 11:14

Honestly I wouldn’t call off engagement and try to redo a perfect proposal day - loads it with expectation. Focus on the good times you could have ahead. Think about planning the wedding - does that seem happy and exciting? Celebrate yourselves - anniversaries/birthdays. There will be other good times.

Original poster
Lidale · 10/05/2023 11:16

@MuffinToSeeHere I didn't make this thread to have my relationship dissect my relationship. I just wanted to gauge how common it is and people's stories. I don't have to leave him. We have been working on our relationship and are in a better place.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 10/05/2023 11:17

Lidale · 10/05/2023 11:08

@Dixiechickonhols we have done a redo though! It's been a year since the engagement has been called off....

I didn’t realise you had actually called it off and told everyone but stayed together.
I’ll be very honest and say if you told me you’d got engaged again I’d think why don’t you just get on with booking wedding. But I’m married 20 plus years, no proposal and no engagement ring. We had a conversation in McDonalds and said let’s get wedding booked.