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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving house when oldest leaves school

39 replies

feghs111 · 10/05/2023 10:08

Sorry for the long post - didn't expect it to be so long!

I'm prepared to be told IBU as I'm an (almost) stepmum but here you go.

For background, been with my partner for 4 years, we are getting married this summer. We moved into his apartment three years ago (his mum owned it and he was renting it) and two years ago bought our own place. He has two children from his first marriage - two boys who will be turning 18 and 16 next month. 18 year old left school at 16 and has been working a full time job since. Makes decent money for his age and has good savings as his only outgoing are his socialising, clothes etc. 16 year old is about to take GCSEs and will then do A Levels. They live with us 50/50, so week at ours, week at mums. I get on well with the kids.

When my partner first got divorced the ex left their home and moved in with the man she had been having an affair with and my partner had the children five nights a week every week. This went on for around five years however they did start staying at their mums a bit more after that (at my insistence to be fair) and when we moved it went to 50/50 as we now live half an hour away and it was a lot for my partner to pick up and drop off twice a week (he does all the PO/DOs).

Anyway because of the arrangement we were stuck in a very limited area we could buy our home two years ago as had to be near the boys' school and we live in London. So we have a three bed flat which while it's lovely is still a flat and I've always dreamed of owning a house with a nice garden. Unfortunately we can't afford that in the area that we have to live.

OH had agreed with me that in two years with the youngest SS is 18 and has left school (oldest will be about to turn 21 at this point) we can move out of London so I can finally own my dream house and garden. I was hoping 18 year old would go to uni so it would be ok as he could visit in holidays and obviously also stay with his mum who will be in London in the same town. However now he has said he wants to take a gap year and I can see it becoming an issue us moving out as he will still be living at home and wouldn't want to leave friends etc.

Would I BU to still push for the move? Oldest would also cause a fuss (he's said he wants to live with us til 21) but I will have already sacrificed five years living somewhere I don't want to live by that time and I feel it's fair that we get equal say. I pay half the mortgage and bills.

Best scenario would be 18 year old live with his mum full time when he leaves school so we can move but she will kick up a fuss as she is very regimented about 50/50 and doesn't like to have her children full time (I'm not saying that to be bitchy but it's the truth). But what 18/20 year olds want to be packing a suitcase every week to move house anyway!?

OP posts:
Original poster
feghs111 · 10/05/2023 10:12

To add I'm talking moving a max 50min train from where we are now, not the other side of the country or anything. Although I'm from the other side of the country and if it was up to me I would move there to be near family, friends and we can get so much more for our money. That's obviously not an option though, not yet anyway.

OP posts:
morelippy · 10/05/2023 10:20

Personally I wouldn't have moved until my kids were independent adults who no longer needed the family home, or were in a position to rent or buy if they didn't want to come.

I would have moved though if they were just choosing to live with us when they could have done otherwise

TorringtonDean · 10/05/2023 10:29

Kids have very different levels of independence at that age but even uni students need a place in the holidays and working young people only appear to have a lot of spending money if they don’t have to pay rent. If they were my kids I’d wait a few more years.

Curtains70 · 10/05/2023 10:30

By 18/20 any agreements you have re custody are pointless, they are adults so 50/50 whatever means nothing. They will decide if they live with Mum or Dad or a mixture of both.

I can't personally see an issue with moving away once youngest is 18 as long as you're happy for them to live with you full time should they choose to.

WeWereInParis · 10/05/2023 10:42

When my partner first got divorced the ex left their home and moved in with the man she had been having an affair with and my partner had the children five nights a week every week. This went on for around five years however they did start staying at their mums a bit more after that (at my insistence to be fair)

Delightful.

Generally speaking though, I lean towards parents moving if they want to. I do not agree with the idea that you can't possibly move from the family home even if your child is at uni. I assume you'd be moving somewhere where you would still have space for them?

TorringtonDean · 10/05/2023 10:49

One of the big divides in the upcoming generation will be between those who managed to save up for a few years by living in the parental home and those who had to fend for themselves from 18 - paying rent. There are pluses and minuses on each side. Some kids just need to go their own way, others are content to wait a few years. There is a lot to be said for independence but it comes at a price. Personally, as the one housing my young adults kids, I’d like to help them as much as possible in getting a deposit together and being at the stage to try and buy a home.

They do at least deserve a safe bolt hole to come back to if living independently doesn’t work out.

On the other hand my parents frowned on me leaving home a year after uni - they wanted me to save more. But it made me keep on earning and working my way to a better future!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2023 10:54

A 50min train ride home during uni holidays is perfectly fine for an 18yo, and similarly, even moving, I'd assume they will still have access to a bedroom so can still stay with you and train too and from their mums house.

sunshinesupermum · 10/05/2023 10:56

What does your DH think?

BungleandGeorge · 10/05/2023 11:01

how does having the kids 5 nights a week involve more lifts than having them 50:50? If you’re in London surely teens could get public transport?
tbh they used to live mainly with their dad, you encouraged it down to 50:50 and now want to change to living full time with mum. What does your partner think? Will you both also be further from work etc if you move? I’d tell you to jog on tbh and put my children before having a garden.

LittleOwl153 · 10/05/2023 11:05

I'd think a 50minute train ride for - let's face it - adults is fine. Most adults I know commute at least that time daily to work.

I'd expect your house with a garden to have at least 3 bedrooms and for you to be happy for the 'kids' to live with you (full time) if they wished.

Beyond that I'd go for it. .. but I'd be very clear that that is what you want/expect/won't compromise on BEFORE you get married. (The gap year wouldn't change my plans/expectations so long as things are clear).

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 10/05/2023 11:06

50 minutes is nothing much, so I think moving and giving them the option to come with you is fine. They can stay with their mother when they need to be in the city overnight for social things.

I don't agree with the idea that you leave school, that's it for our parental responsibility. It takes time for kids to transition to full independence and it's still good to have a soft landing for a bit.

So I think, by all means move, but I'd maintain a family home where the kids are welcome at this point. Then it's up to them but they aren't being left in the lurch very suddenly.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/05/2023 11:08

So, mum won’t have them much, and they won’t stay with you as you are too far from their friends? Bet they will feel great.

Kids are kids for life. My ds stayed with us until he was 29 as he was saving up for a house. All his friends were within 20 mins walk.

We live in Sheffield, a 50 minute train ride away would be like Manchester or Nottingham. Except we don’t have trains in the north anymore.

So, no l wouldn’t move away to another city when they are 18.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 10/05/2023 11:21

18 may be "officially" adult but is still very young. I wouldn't expect an 18 year old to be able to live totally independently without a safety net to retreat to if the world gets a bit much. I wouldn't expect to leave them entirely to their own devices until age 24-25 so another 6-7 years. Obviously your priority is your own self-fulfilment and your dreams of a comfortable home but your partner's priority has to be his children first. It sounds like their mum isn't brilliant at putting their needs first if she has form for "kicking off" if she doesn't get child-free time, so it sounds like she can't be relied upon to be their safety net, which means that it is down to your partner. He needs to offer them stability and reliability. Your plans may need to wait a few years more. If the youngest ends up chosing a university course out of London, you could look at perhaps moving there, so long as the older one would still be able to get there OK.

mindutopia · 10/05/2023 11:23

I think it's okay to move when they are 18, but I think your DP and their mum need to work out between them how to support them to launch into more independent living. At 21, surely the oldest should want to live more independently, with friends, a partner, etc? I moved out at 17 and the only barrier was finances (I was not working FT), so if they are earning in a FT role, I would expect them to launch with some support from their parents.

The 18 year old taking a gap year, I would expect to use the gap year to travel and explore before uni or whatever the next step is. I don't think it's properly a 'gap year' if you're just living at home lounging around and seeing friends. But again, his parents need to support him to do that.

My mum moved house when I left school and moved about 1.5 hours away. It was fine. I didn't even really think about it. I was old enough then to drive or use public transport to visit friends and I didn't live at home anyway. I think it's just important that you maintain a landing pad for them at your new home - they have bedrooms and can keep their stuff there and are welcome to visit whenever.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/05/2023 11:31

why don’t you wait a couple more years when the boys are totally dependent, then do the move you want, and further away than the short distance you are proposing.

Original poster
feghs111 · 10/05/2023 14:03

Yes of course, the whole point would be to get a bigger place so it's more comfortable for all of us. Four adults in a small flat is hardly ideal and one of the boy's bedrooms is an absolute box, so we would have much more room for them when they were there.

And yes they would of course be welcome to come with us, I'm just know they wouldn't want to leave London and therefore that's why I suggested living with their mother if that's what they choose to do. I'm not sure why the thought of a mother housing her children should ever cause uproar.

Thanks for your input everyone :)

OP posts:
Original poster
feghs111 · 10/05/2023 14:07

As for this comment you can judge all you like but what's actually happened is we now have two happier children who spend equal amount of time with both parents and aren't being ferried back and forth between two houses every few days. Previously my DH would pick up on Saturdays and drop off on Thursdays so that's the round trip twice a week. Now he picks up and drops off on Sundays.

And yes the boys could get public transport but in my opinion having them schelp back and forth with heavay bags on public transport multiple times a week is hardly fair on them. And no they won't keep different clothes at each parent's house - they have very specific outfits they like to have access to at all times.

OP posts:
Original poster
feghs111 · 10/05/2023 14:08

sorry that last reply was about @BungleandGeorge's comment. You can tell I don't post on here much!

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 10/05/2023 15:08

“I'm prepared to be told IBU”

this doesn’t appear to be the case?

I still don’t understand how spending 5 nights a week with dad and 2 nights with mum involves more travelling than 50:50?? Surely the bags would be less heavy with a couple of days clothes in them?

Original poster
feghs111 · 10/05/2023 15:19

When we did five nights at ours and two nights at their mums, my OH was driving to pick them up on a Saturday and bringing them back home, and then on Thursdays he would drop them off at their mums and then drive back home. That's two one-hour journeys in the evenings a week.

Now he picks them up from their mums on Sundays, and they stay at ours until the following Sunday. So he is only driving back and forth once a week.

Yes bags would be lighter but it's still around 45 minutes from each house on public transport and it's more traveling for the children? They were having to pack up and change house on Saturdays AND Thursdays every week, now just Sundays. The older schedule is probably fine when they are younger and have less stuff but for older teens it's really not ideal.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 10/05/2023 15:21

I plan to hopefully move when DS turns 18. I want a fresh start somewhere. DS plans to go to uni, I won't be kicking him out, there will still be a bedroom for him in the new place.

Go for it.

Guinesscake · 10/05/2023 15:47

I think it’s far from ideal for the youngsters because they won’t really have a home to come back to.

Original poster
feghs111 · 10/05/2023 15:59

Guinesscake · 10/05/2023 15:47

I think it’s far from ideal for the youngsters because they won’t really have a home to come back to.

They would have two houses to come home to - our new house and their mum's house.

OP posts:
Original poster
feghs111 · 10/05/2023 16:03

Beezknees · 10/05/2023 15:21

I plan to hopefully move when DS turns 18. I want a fresh start somewhere. DS plans to go to uni, I won't be kicking him out, there will still be a bedroom for him in the new place.

Go for it.

Best of luck :)

OP posts:
gogohmm · 10/05/2023 16:07

I moved when mine were 19&21, kept my old house so kids didn't have to move, one chose to join me (still with me 4 years later). It's fine to move though I would suggest working out if university is on the cards first

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