Moving house when oldest leaves school

[feghs111]

Sorry for the long post - didn't expect it to be so long!

I'm prepared to be told IBU as I'm an (almost) stepmum but here you go.

For background, been with my partner for 4 years, we are getting married this summer. We moved into his apartment three years ago (his mum owned it and he was renting it) and two years ago bought our own place. He has two children from his first marriage - two boys who will be turning 18 and 16 next month. 18 year old left school at 16 and has been working a full time job since. Makes decent money for his age and has good savings as his only outgoing are his socialising, clothes etc. 16 year old is about to take GCSEs and will then do A Levels. They live with us 50/50, so week at ours, week at mums. I get on well with the kids.

When my partner first got divorced the ex left their home and moved in with the man she had been having an affair with and my partner had the children five nights a week every week. This went on for around five years however they did start staying at their mums a bit more after that (at my insistence to be fair) and when we moved it went to 50/50 as we now live half an hour away and it was a lot for my partner to pick up and drop off twice a week (he does all the PO/DOs).

Anyway because of the arrangement we were stuck in a very limited area we could buy our home two years ago as had to be near the boys' school and we live in London. So we have a three bed flat which while it's lovely is still a flat and I've always dreamed of owning a house with a nice garden. Unfortunately we can't afford that in the area that we have to live.

OH had agreed with me that in two years with the youngest SS is 18 and has left school (oldest will be about to turn 21 at this point) we can move out of London so I can finally own my dream house and garden. I was hoping 18 year old would go to uni so it would be ok as he could visit in holidays and obviously also stay with his mum who will be in London in the same town. However now he has said he wants to take a gap year and I can see it becoming an issue us moving out as he will still be living at home and wouldn't want to leave friends etc.

Would I BU to still push for the move? Oldest would also cause a fuss (he's said he wants to live with us til 21) but I will have already sacrificed five years living somewhere I don't want to live by that time and I feel it's fair that we get equal say. I pay half the mortgage and bills.

Best scenario would be 18 year old live with his mum full time when he leaves school so we can move but she will kick up a fuss as she is very regimented about 50/50 and doesn't like to have her children full time (I'm not saying that to be bitchy but it's the truth). But what 18/20 year olds want to be packing a suitcase every week to move house anyway!?

OP you've said best scenario is that DSS moves full-time to his mums but neither of them want that and I', guessing your DH wouldn't either. I think it's fair to push for the move is you would willingly have DSS live with you full-time. I have an 18 year old at university and 18 is still young.

No sorry, what I meant was that I'm sure they would be happy to live with their mum (obviously it's never been discussed as we are all happy with the arrangements as they are right now) and I believe they would prefer that to moving outside of London with us, simply because they really like London and obviously wouldn't have friends outside. It's the mum who I don't think would find it ideal.

TBH at 18 (nearly 19 by the time we move) and 21 I'm sure my OH would be ok with not seeing them every single day. When I went to uni at 18 I would obviously only see my parents the odd weekend and holidays, and only moved back home for a few months afterwards so I don't think that's an issue.

But yes I would be fine with DSS coming with us, I just know his first choice would be to stay in London.

Anyway this is still more than two years off and who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe we will win the lottery and can buy a nice place in London :)

I agree that I'd encourage the younger one to plan a gap year that doesn't involve staying home - it's great that he's got a couple of years to plan. There can be some good options to work abroad. My eldest got a job overseas and yes, we did fund her travel to get there but she came home with some useful savings, and much better prepared to look after herself at uni.

Our youngest is about to finish school and it is possible that we might move in a year or two (if we can get our act together ...). I'd absolutely intend to keep rooms for both our children, but would be to make DH's commute more practical. However we're not in London. Mind you, the eldest has a good summer job locally this year so we'll actually have her at home a bit more than we've become used to!

As you willing for them to carry on living with you, I don’t see what the issue is tbh. 50 mins journey for them to see friends really isn't that bad - plenty of people commute that every day, and if they get jobs in London they can see their friends after work. If they don't fancy that, that is their choice. You're not obliged to live near their mates forever!

Both of my DS's were young for their age and would never have coped on their own. The youngest DS re-sat his A levels after being very ill in Year 13 and missed a lot of Sixth Form so had to do Year 14. My eldest DS stayed at home until he was 26 and saved a deposit and youngest is moving out at the end of this month into his own house. They could only buy their respective houses because they lived at home and saved a deposit whilst only contributing a small amount towards electricity. You have waited this long could you not just wait one more year so eldest DSS is 22 and youngest 19 and going off to Uni? When you marry someone with DC you know the DC have to be put first until they can become independent. I hope your eldest DSS is saving hard whilst living at home. I remarried and my dh is a Stepdad to my children. I am very lucky because he has not minded my adult son's living at home with us. They get on well. He helps eldest DS with DIY and goes to the cinema sometimes with the youngest. If DH had objected I would not have married him. I told him when we got engaged my DC and I come as a package deal. DH laughingly refers to it as marry one and get 3 DC free. I would not make your DH choose.

I wouldn’t do it until youngest is 21/22. It’ll go by quickly and enable you to save more money. That way he’ll have finished uni and be working, plus more likely to want his own place, and he won’t feel as though you’ve washed your hands of him the second he turned 18.

I honestly think if you do this at 18 he’ll feel quite crushed. He must already know his own mother doesn’t want him more than 50% of the time. If you move 50 mins away where is he supposed to go the rest of the week?

The oldest can make a fuss but at 18 and having left school he's legally independent so as long as he's allowed to live with you and you ensure if he needed to commute into London regularly he can, then you can move.

BTW He or his brother are actually likely to stay with you until they are much older than 21 due to the price of rent and mortgages.

See what you meant OP. Agree neither DC nor parents will want to see each other everyday at 18. I do think they just need to feel they've got a home (old or new) to come home to, whether it be still alternating with mum or from uni or living with you while working.

It sounds like you are talking about moving to a much bigger home, with an absolutely normal commute from London. Of course YANBU.
At 18 and 20, they can presumably choose to base themselves mostly at yours, their Mum's or on a friend's sofa, and they can use public transport to get there and back.

Shocked to read that they're not capable of using public transport and carrying their own luggage across London at the ages of 16 and 18 - I think it would be good to help them acquire such basic life skills as soon as possible!
You're planning to move somewhere with enough bedrooms for everyone and making it clear the sons are welcome to live with you there.
It's nice that you've agreed to compromise and not move until the youngest has done his A levels. If as an 18 year old he then decides he can't possibly live so far away from his existing friends (and maybe by then a boyfriend/ girlfriend?) then he stays with his mum more of the time = simple.

Thanks @Longtimelurkerfinallyposts - it's not that they're not capable, my DH would just feel guilty about it if they were going back and forth twice a week on the bus with luggage so he prefers to give them a lift :) If he can't do the lift he gets them a taxi as honestly they have huge suitcases - it's incase!

And thanks @UsingChangeofName - yes that's exactly the case and my thinking!

if they were going back and forth twice a week on the bus with luggage so he prefers to give them a lift :) If he can't do the lift he gets them a taxi as honestly they have huge suitcases

I don't get why they are travelling with luggage.
If they've been living across the homes of 2 parents for more than 8 years, surely there is absolutely no need for luggage to be going back and forth in any great quantity..... they'd keep toothbrushes / wash kit at each house, use the towels etc of that house, keep some pants, socks, t-shirts at each house, and only need a small back pack or holdall to take anything specific they'd need to have with them that they might keep at the 'other' home.
It is bizarre to be taking 'huge suitcases' back and forth.

Completely agree with you and I’ve raised it with my partner plenty of times. They just seem to have mountains of clothes and want access to everything they have at all times. It doesn’t make sense to me so I can’t really even start to explain it. But yes of course wash stuff, towels etc they don’t move between houses.

the older one is worse to be honest. 15 year old just takes a carry-on size luggage type suite case between each house