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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He still has his ex as next of kin on all paperwork, including pensions - AIBU he should change it?

90 replies

Monochromepink · 09/05/2023 19:08

Hello,

this is my first time dating a man who is separated. They have 3 children together, youngest is 4.

They split 2 years ago and it’s a strained split, don’t get on well at all. I have noticed all his paperwork still has all her details as his next of kin, in passports, and named as a beneficiary in life insurance documents and pension documents etc.

We’ve been together just under a year, am I being unreasonable thinking to myself he should be changing all these things?

In future he knows I want to have my own children and has agreed to this, wouldn’t that become very messy if she is still named on documents?

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 09/05/2023 19:10

Yeah I'd change it if I were him.

But being totally honest I wouldn't move everything to someone I've dated for under a year, I'd choose a family member.

BordoisAgain · 09/05/2023 19:11

As she is the mother of his children it is only right all his assets go to them via their mother. I don't think it unreasonable for this to remain the case until your relationship is more established - i.e. you get a place together or have children, etc.

Saffronn · 09/05/2023 19:11

It might be tricky to name children as beneficiaries, so naming his ex means that his kids are likely to benefit should the worst happen.

TakeMe2Insanity · 09/05/2023 19:11

You’ve only been together a year, his ex has his 3 children god forbid something happens to him why should his girlfriend get everything rather than his children?

Hotfootgoose · 09/05/2023 19:12

I would hate this. I would tell him to change it to reflect his current circumstances

Kpo58 · 09/05/2023 19:12

Maybe he hasn't changed it so far as he wants to know that his kids will be financially looked after if he were to suddenly die rather than someone he hasn't been with long?

Sissynova · 09/05/2023 19:12

We’ve been together just under a year, am I being unreasonable thinking to myself he should be changing all these things?

You think he should change it to you after less than a year??

No way. You’re being so unreasonable. He’s trying to make sure his children are provided for if he passes unexpectedly.

Wellhellother · 09/05/2023 19:12

If I were him I would be changing the beneficiary to the children - not you op (it's unclear if that is what you expect him to do)

Effieswig · 09/05/2023 19:12

No, I don’t think he should.

She is the mother of his children. It makes sense that she is on the pension. Incase he dies. It’s good to see a man ensure there’s money, if he isn’t around.

what else is she ‘next of kin’ on?

WateryDoom · 09/05/2023 19:13

It's not your business. You've not been together long enough to make these kind of demands.

I wouldn't be getting pregnant, however, until his paperwork was resolved - and I'd make it very clear that if he was making a commitment of this sort to me then he needed to sort all this crap out first before I considered having a child with him.

Sissynova · 09/05/2023 19:13

Hotfootgoose · 09/05/2023 19:12

I would hate this. I would tell him to change it to reflect his current circumstances

In what way would it reflect his current circumstances?
Why pay for a new passport because your new gf is

Sissynova · 09/05/2023 19:14

Hotfootgoose · 09/05/2023 19:12

I would hate this. I would tell him to change it to reflect his current circumstances

In what way would it reflect his current circumstances? There’s every chance he wants the mother of his children to be the beneficiary.

MatildaTheCat · 09/05/2023 19:14

I had a friend who was dating a senior professional who was separated but not divorced ( had been separated for ten years, all really odd). He couldn’t fathom that if he died she’d get everything. Didn’t even have a will.

Its a tricky one in that you’ve only been together a year so wouldn’t be appropriate to be considered beneficiary of his pensions etc yet but certainly point out he needs to seek advice and update his affairs. And write a bloody will and keep it updated.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/05/2023 19:15

How do you even know this? Have you snooped or did he tell you? It's absolutely none of your business at this stage of your relationship, plus why do you care so much?

.

Blushingm · 09/05/2023 19:15

I'm
DP emergency contact person for things but definitely not a beneficiary or anything like that! We've been together a year and it's waaaaaa too early for that

Firstmonthfree · 09/05/2023 19:15

Until you have kids I think it should remain her. If something were to happen to him then she would need to be the beneficiary of any policies for the benefit of the kids, and if something were to happen to him illness wise he probably needs her to be notified for childcare or to let the kids know.

insurance policies and pensions are to look after dependents- that’s his kids, not you.

Changechangechanging · 09/05/2023 19:16

I think it's probably not unreasonable as long as you have not committed to each other by engagement/marriage or moving in as partners. Until then, it's his to do what he wants. He may well trust his exvto make sure it goes tobthe children.

XBealtaine · 09/05/2023 19:17

I think you're being a bit premature. His youngest is only 4!

If you were moving in together and getting married I think you could very reasonably ask him to change it. But, although that would be the norm, it would still be unfair to his x, as even though her children's father had remarried (say) her children's father would still be dead, and therefore, leaving her to it financially.

But at the moment, I think the mother of his three children is the person who should be named on those policies. He knows that she will see that his children are alright. Even if they don't get on, they're still kind of family.

OhmygodDont · 09/05/2023 19:17

It should be her/their children unless he had children with someone else and then it should be split equally between the families/children.

Your getting way ahead of your self as his year long gf

Effieswig · 09/05/2023 19:17

Hotfootgoose · 09/05/2023 19:12

I would hate this. I would tell him to change it to reflect his current circumstances

It does

Caterina99 · 09/05/2023 19:17

If I was him I’d change them into my DC names.

If that’s not possible then I’d keep it as her name and update my will to state that they are for the benefit of the children and the ex is to use as such.

What I wouldn’t do is make a new partner my beneficiary right away. Obviously if I then go on to have further children and a long term relationship then that would change to reflect the new circumstances

Tohaveandtohold · 09/05/2023 19:17

Why should you be his beneficiary, etc when you’ve not even been together for a year. If something happens to him now, he has 3 children with his ex who will benefit from their mum as the beneficiary rather than a new girlfriend. If he ever changes things then he’ll be wise to just name his children as the beneficiaries

VariationsonaTheme · 09/05/2023 19:17

When/If you have children with him, that’s the time to discuss it. You say separated - are they actually divorced yet?

Changechangechanging · 09/05/2023 19:17

And forcwhat it's worth, once my mum got dementia, my next was my next of kin until our eldest turned 18.

titchy · 09/05/2023 19:19

Hotfootgoose · 09/05/2023 19:12

I would hate this. I would tell him to change it to reflect his current circumstances

His current circumstances re that he is a parent to three small children and is being responsible.