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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He still has his ex as next of kin on all paperwork, including pensions - AIBU he should change it?

90 replies

Monochromepink · 09/05/2023 19:08

Hello,

this is my first time dating a man who is separated. They have 3 children together, youngest is 4.

They split 2 years ago and it’s a strained split, don’t get on well at all. I have noticed all his paperwork still has all her details as his next of kin, in passports, and named as a beneficiary in life insurance documents and pension documents etc.

We’ve been together just under a year, am I being unreasonable thinking to myself he should be changing all these things?

In future he knows I want to have my own children and has agreed to this, wouldn’t that become very messy if she is still named on documents?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 09/05/2023 19:38

My partner has his sister as next of kin and beneficiary rather than me, that's his choice, respect your boyfriends choices.

PlanningQuestions · 09/05/2023 19:39

I think he's being responsible to leave it as it is. Who do you think he should change it to?

StephanieSuperpowers · 09/05/2023 19:39

Monochromepink · 09/05/2023 19:30

Hiya, just to update I’m not saying it should be me! It’s just the fact it’s been 2 years and nothings been updated

How do you know all this?

CalistoNoSolo · 09/05/2023 19:39

Monochromepink · 09/05/2023 19:30

Hiya, just to update I’m not saying it should be me! It’s just the fact it’s been 2 years and nothings been updated

How do you know this and how is it your business?

Stressedannni · 09/05/2023 19:41

Have you taken out life insurance policy for him yet? 😬

Speedweed · 09/05/2023 19:41

He needs to go and speak to a solicitor about proper estate planning (not a will writer - they aren't qualified to advise) - they will advise how he can ensure that any money he leaves is held and managed so it goes straight to his kids for their benefit. If he hasn't taken his ex off documents, it all goes straight to her, so whilst it may benefit his kids in a roundabout way, there is nothing to stop her spending the lot as it's her money.

As you haven't been together long, he probably won't add you to anything, but it's good you're being considerate of his children...

MysteryBelle · 09/05/2023 19:42

Why, after dating a man for less than a year, a man who has three children he needs to think of, do you want him to name you as his beneficiary in his life insurance documents?

Why are you even concerned about that? You haven’t had any children with him, you haven’t married him, he hasn’t asked you to marry him, why are you trying to get control of his life insurance and change his will and everything?

I think you sound very creepy. He needs to drop you asap.

BonnieLisbon · 09/05/2023 19:43

Monochromepink · 09/05/2023 19:30

Hiya, just to update I’m not saying it should be me! It’s just the fact it’s been 2 years and nothings been updated

So who do you think it should be changed to if not you then?

viques · 09/05/2023 19:44

Nothing needs to change until he is divorced. And do you realise that she is technically still his next of kin, so if he was incapacitated then she could freeze you out of medical decisions, block you from the hospital and if the worst was to happen cut you out of funeral arrangements as well.

DanceMonster · 09/05/2023 19:44

Monochromepink · 09/05/2023 19:30

Hiya, just to update I’m not saying it should be me! It’s just the fact it’s been 2 years and nothings been updated

Where do you think the money should be going? Surely it makes sense that it goes to the mother of his children, so she can provide for them?

Cosyblankets · 09/05/2023 19:44

How is this your business?

Effieswig · 09/05/2023 19:45

Monochromepink · 09/05/2023 19:30

Hiya, just to update I’m not saying it should be me! It’s just the fact it’s been 2 years and nothings been updated

So who do you want it to be?

PlanningQuestions · 09/05/2023 19:45

His pension can't be updated until there is a logical person to update it to. And ideally that person should represent the interests of his children.

If he updates to his parents for example, that money could get swallowed up in care costs, so his ex is still the most sensible option. Whether they get on or not is immaterial.

Pleasebeafleabite · 09/05/2023 19:45

Speedweed · 09/05/2023 19:41

He needs to go and speak to a solicitor about proper estate planning (not a will writer - they aren't qualified to advise) - they will advise how he can ensure that any money he leaves is held and managed so it goes straight to his kids for their benefit. If he hasn't taken his ex off documents, it all goes straight to her, so whilst it may benefit his kids in a roundabout way, there is nothing to stop her spending the lot as it's her money.

As you haven't been together long, he probably won't add you to anything, but it's good you're being considerate of his children...

And maybe she should be able to spend it seeing as she is going to have to keep them until they’re adults with no further contributions from the dead ex husband

wildinthecountry · 09/05/2023 19:46

We never had any life insurance until we had children so it was to benefit them really . Before having kids we both felt quite capable of making our own way in the world . Maybe he will always have those policies .

OneTwoThreeShake · 09/05/2023 19:48

I genuinely don't think its any of your business. You've been together for a short time, and have no place voicing an opinion on who his next of kin or beneficiaries are.

GoodChat · 09/05/2023 19:48

PlanningQuestions · 09/05/2023 19:45

His pension can't be updated until there is a logical person to update it to. And ideally that person should represent the interests of his children.

If he updates to his parents for example, that money could get swallowed up in care costs, so his ex is still the most sensible option. Whether they get on or not is immaterial.

His pension can be updated whenever he wants to update it, which is clearly not yet.

sheworemellowyellow · 09/05/2023 19:51

I think you’re worried about the importance of his ex in his life.

She will ALWAYS be in his life. She’s the mother of his children. Her being a beneficiary is the least of it.

Testina · 09/05/2023 19:51

I have noticed all his paperwork

Just noticed, aye? 🤣
get your sticky beak out!

Ilovetea42 · 09/05/2023 19:52

BordoisAgain · 09/05/2023 19:11

As she is the mother of his children it is only right all his assets go to them via their mother. I don't think it unreasonable for this to remain the case until your relationship is more established - i.e. you get a place together or have children, etc.

This would be my feeling on it as well tbh.

electriclight · 09/05/2023 19:53

I know lots of people who still have an ex spouse as their beneficiary for things like life insurance and death in service. My ex and I had a conversation about it and kept it that way so that the surviving parent would care for the children full time and be financially supported. If either of us remarry we'll change it. Once kids are older, we'll change it.

Testina · 09/05/2023 19:54

Monochromepink · 09/05/2023 19:30

Hiya, just to update I’m not saying it should be me! It’s just the fact it’s been 2 years and nothings been updated

We’re not stupid! Course you want it to be you. Why would it be messy if you have kids with him? Just change it once you’re pregnant 🤷🏻‍♀️ if that’s the right thing to do.

Come on - own up to how you’ve just happened to see all his paperwork? 🤣

Ringmaster27 · 09/05/2023 19:55

Are you my exH’s new gf? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂👀👀👀
In all seriousness, yes YABU.
My exH and I have 3 young DCs. We get on well and he’s still one of my closest friends. As far as I’m aware, nothing has changed re: next of kin on documents for either of us.
If he died suddenly, he’d want our DCs to be financially taken care of and as I’m the resident parent, and they are under 18, that would done via me. And it’s the same from my side too. He is still beneficiary of everything.
Until one of us re-marries (not any time soon as we aren’t even divorced yet after a couple of years separated) I don’t see that changing, even if the new gf (who I like and get along with by the way!) is uncomfortable with it.

FloweryName · 09/05/2023 19:59

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 09/05/2023 19:35

It’s not going to his children though, it’s going to his ex.

ok so they will get benefit via her, but if id’s a significant sum over what they need until their 18 she’s not obliged to give them anything.

Show quote history

She’s not his ex while they are still married. The man made a legal financial commitment to her and that still hasn’t been ended. And even if it were only the children that he had any responsibility towards, she is still the best best person to facilitate what they need the most.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/05/2023 20:11

Hotfootgoose · 09/05/2023 19:12

I would hate this. I would tell him to change it to reflect his current circumstances

A bloke with three small children, somebody he was with for years and, even when they don't get along, will know his wishes and thoughts on many, many things - oh, and a girlfriend who he's probably actually seen for the equivalent of about 100 days? Sounds pretty reflective of his current circumstances to me.

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