To wish PIL hadn't told me this?

[cherryredretrochick]

OMG,
I went to stay with my IL's last week with dd's, we had a fab time but after a few drinks my FIL told me (in context of a conversation not out of the blue) that they had an abortion when my MIL was 40.
Said they did it as they were worried for heath of baby with MIL being 40 (although she she 35 when she had SIL), they then told me they had had no tests or anything, so didn't really know if even increased risk of any helath probs.
My PIL are very wealthy and had there parents aat home to look after children, both worked full time. Later in the same conversation the fact that the child would still have been at uni when FIL retired was mentioned.
Thing is I would really not like dh to know this and I don't really want to carry round secrets. I wish they had not told me, I can't help looking at them with less respect now, I know it was their decisions but they know my opinions and that we would love more children but are not able.

What an awful burden to put on you.

I can see why you are torn between keeping this from your DH and wanting to share your burden with him,

really don't know what to suggest!

Are you absolutely sure your dh doesn't know?

I can understand why you would rather not lknow and particularly why you feel awkward keeping it from dh. I also understand why this would niggle if you would like a larger family but are not able.

However I don't think you should judge them for their choice which I am sure they agonised over at the time. It's not relevant how much moeny they have either.

I have 2 ds's aged 2 and 4 months. I love them dearly, however if I became pregnant by accident I have to say I would seriously consider a termination. Although I am sure we would love another child if it came down to that and dh and I are both paid well above the national average so could afford one with a few sacrifices we don't want one. We want to be able to concentrate our resourses (emotional as well as financial) on the 2 we already have and we want to have the opportunity to retire early which we would not have if we had another child. If this makes me selfish I don't care.

And if I made this decision I would be totally devastated as despite all this it would feel like I was murdering my baby despite being pro-choice.

So while I think YANBU for wishing you did not know I think YABU for judging their decision

definatley doesn't know, I think he would be really upset tbh.

do you have the right to decide whether your DH should know or not though?

that's a bit of a quandary isn't it .. surely as a partnership if you know something like that you should really mention it to him, shouldn't you?

you do realise that their actions decades ago has absolutely no bearing on your current position too don't you?

Hmm hard on why don't you want your DH to know?? I think if the were expecting you to keep it a secret they were unreasonable in telling you but if it is you who doesn't want to tell DH then it is kind of your choice to carry it around. Like you said ti was in context so not a total random confession.

I agree it is a bizarre thing to tell you and maybe not appropriate it is stragne how things come out sometimes in context, I had already had one child before the subject of mc even came between us and I found out she had one just before she became pregnant with me.

Why do you respect them less for this? I am assuming this was a good few years ago now I mean even 20 years ago the same tests were not offered to women as now so they probably felt they were making the best decision all round at the time and I am sure it wasn't easy for them. It happened presumably before you came on the scene as well so even though you may disagree with them I doubt your opinions iccured to him when he told you.

They are the same people you respected and liked before he said this to you. I don't think finances were the issue here it seems form what you have said that it was concern of the baby and MIL's health which regardless of how much money you have is still hard work and they probably also factored their other children into this and the effect it could and would have on them.

Lets hope you don't add your tuppence worth to someone who comes on here worrying about whether they should have a termination or not - I am sure the decision was not taken lightly, you never know your husband may be slightly less judgemental and slightly more understanding than you!

I am not judging their decision, but their justification of it IYSWIM and TBH I just wish I didn't know.

I wonder why they told you?

Do you think that they think your dh ought to know, but can't bring themselves to tell him themselves, and are hoping you will do it for them?

Their reasons for the termination are immaterial really, but by telling you about it they are putting you under a lot of unfair pressure, especially given your circs.

I would question their reasons tbh.

Your right it was about 20 years ago didn't think about the improvemtn in tests, I am not actually judging their decision, it was theirs to make and they are happy with the decision they made, I just know dh would be upset, I don't want to be the one to tell him but if I don't ever mention it then it is like I am kepping a secret from him.

I would certainly never say anything negative to someone in this situation, as I said nothing negative to my IL's. I understand that if you are in this position it is the hardest decision ever.

it was their decision

they didn't want another baby for whatever reason - maybe partly health worries (would there have been the same tests available then even?) maybe a combination of other things

it's not your place to judge them

you seem to be blowing this out of all proportion imo

it doesn't affect you

What you have to remember though is that there just wasn't the information/understand/even the tolerance of disability 20/30 years ago that there is now. Lots of people terminate pregnancies now when they find out that they are carrying a baby with downs etc, 20 years ago there was less information but the fact was known that if you were over 40 you were more likely to have a baby with downs and so maybe they didn't feel they could cope with a disabled child. Maybe they didn't know what kind of disabilities a child might have and they didn't want to bring a child into the world that would have a lesser quality of life (in their opinion). Maybe if they'd known then what they know now, ie that disability is far more accepted now and that disabled rights have come on hugely, they might not have taken the decision they did then.

Was going to come on and say that you judging their reasoning behind the decision is totally unreasonable as it was their decision to make and theirs alone. However saw your most recent pos and see you already appreciate that.

I think the main hting is that you are uncomfortable keeping secrets from your dh. I can understand as I would be uncomfortable about this too. I think it's probably best to tell him - surely they wouldn't have told you and expected you to keep this from him?

And sorry about the typos!

God the guy just mentioned it during a conversation - I don't suppose for one minute that it was engineered so they didn't have to break it to DH - considering it happened over 20 years ago they could have just left it with the other skeletons in the wardrobe.

If you can't live with it, tell him - or speak to his mother and say that you feel uncomfortable knowing when DH doesn't and would they tell him - but I would think that they wouldn't expect something private that happened between them so long ago to be an issue to someone who didn't even know them then.

twinkie I get your point about it being just a bit of conversation but I have to say anyone who talks about something like this has to expect that people might make a big deal out of it - it is something that is a pretty contentious subject that tends to provoke strong feelings afterall!

Did they say that your dh doesn't know? If they didn't I would assume he does.

Maybe but if I found out the same about DHs parents I wouldn't have any less respect for them than I do now and I would automatically think that they made the decision that was right for them - it was their baby and not yours or your husbands so you have no right to comment or judge IMO regardless of if you want more children!

If your husband had been brought up in a house with another child - maybe a severly disabled child he could be a completely different person - someone you would never have met, never have fallen for - things happen.

agree. I would imagine it's entirely possible that your dh knows and hasn't told you either because he doesn't feel it's relevant, or because he feels strongly against it.

My mum had a termination when I was 7 because she didn't want another disabled child. Me and my sister both knew about it, and my dh knows because I carried a lot of guilt around about it for a long time, but I don't know whether my bil knows or whether my sister would even ever think to tell him.

I am 99% sure that dh does not know, it would upset him. They are not very parental in the traditional sense, dh is often upset by how little time and tolerance he and sil got as children.
They are very supportive to us financially but have made it very clear that they do not approve of our decision to have a family and that they are more proud of sil who is a career girl, and that they were dissapointed that I gave up work. In fact the first thing FIL said when dh told him we were expecting was are you going to keep it? and we are not young and had been together for a long time etc.
They didn't just mention it, they were telling me about the in and outs for about 30mins, I was trying very hard not to react in any way as I did not want to offend or appear judgey.

Twinkie don't get me wrong I agree with you pov completly about it being their decision but think it would be naiive of them to not think about how it would make the op feel.

Also agree with those who say that your dh may know and may not have told you either because he knows your views on terminations, because it's not a big deal to him, or because he thought it miht upset you to know when you would like another baby but are unable to

cherry cross posted - if they were as hands off with your dh as you say and they had that response to you getting pregnant I would say that even if your dh does not know he could hardly be surprised!

is it possible though that your dh's views on abortion stem from what happened with his parents when he was a child?

The only reason my dh knows about my mum's termination is because she terminated that pregnancy because of me. If I didn't have a disability she wouldn't have terminated that pregnancy and for a long time I felt responsible. I imagine there's every chance though that my sister has never told her dh because it's just not something you generally bring up in conversation "oh btw, mum had an abortion....".

Reality is that you can never be sure whether your dh knows without asking him, and if you ask him you will have to admit that you know...

See your point Wannabe.
I just really needed to get it off my chest TBH, I don't actually think it is my business to tell dh and a decision that was made when I was 10 years old is certianly none of my business.
The fact that we want more children is irrelevant and I don't know why I mentioned it I some times type what comes into my head and don't think to check it back over.
I am not questioning their decision jsut that they told me. What I said about respect is nothing to do with their decision but actually the justification of it IYSWIM, they do not need to justify this to me but chose to do so, at the time it didn't ake sense, having thought about it now tests will of course have been differnet then. They are very happy with the decision they made which means it was the right decision for their family.

also if, as you say, their parents were their main source of childcare, they may have been getting a bit old for that responsibility when your mil was 40

certainly when I flirted (very briefly) with the idea of dc3 that was a factor - albeit a minor one - because my mum does my childcare and it would have been a lot to ask as she got older

They actually all lived together, may have been a little old but not too much (lovely canadian soldier and 16 year old fell in love during the War story).