How do I let go of my childish dreams of being in a relationship?

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

Just got yet another happy announcement of engagement and somewhere deep down I’m sure I’m happy for them.
But in true honesty, I had a panic attack.
That’s how lonely I am.

I do my best to drown myself in hobbies, I’m not a career personality with lots of money, but after all these years it’s still not working.

All I ever wanted was simple life, a kind partner to have a quiet life with. And maybe a kid. It’s probably too late now, who knows.
It’s not looking good, never did actually.

I do my best to read and re-read all the happy single material I can get my hands on.
But even though I’m happy not to be abused, cheated on, raped, or be with a porn watcher or drug user/ drinker….
The fantasies of someone just wanting to sit next to me in silence and hold my hand and tell me everything is all right, just won’t go away.
I know it’s sound stupid, trust me I’m embarrased writing this, but it’s true.

I don’t want to talk about this in real life, I’m too ashamed, so just venting here if anyone is reading or has something nice to say.

Sorry this turned out to be so long!

Don't become a female incel @Corrienation ? That's a horrible thing to say.
I do hear you OP. It's easy for people to say, don't be passive, you have to really work hard to meet someone but often, they have met their partners very easily.
Relationships can also be extremely hard work and it's not all roses and flowers.

Relationships can also be extremely hard work and it's not all roses and flowers.

Yes, I do try and remember this.
It’s easy to only focus an the ideal/ best parts and on the things that are missing….

Just sending you this 🌷and a big hug, no advice as others have said it all.

If you are unhappy with your looks, could you go get a make over at cosmetics counter. Then you would know what type of make up suit you.

As for hobbies etc some time we have to just put ourselves out there. Join a club or volunteering. You want an opportunity to meet people but you have to make it happen.
BTW 38 is young.

What has that got to do with the op?!

It sounds as if your anxiety around it is leading you towards an 'avoidance goal' (i.e. learning to accept it, looking for positives) rather than an 'approach goal' of taking some risks to give yourself opportunities.

I'd try some small steps towards improving your confidence. Perhaps by working on the anxiety?

Attractiveness is mostly about posture, manner, kindness, liveliness, whatever, not so much about actual physical features, anyway.

OP you are still young!
You will meet someone. You do need to get out there and socialise in order to do so.
How about a holiday or walking club for single people?
I'm very certain you are not ugly either.
Unmumsnetty hugs to you x

I wonder if your feeling of it being too late is more about a sense of stagnation in your life rather than your age.

You say you work very part time, your hobbies tend to be things you do alone (and at home?) and you don't have a huge social circle. You also say although you've tried OLD it hasn't worked out.

It doesn't seem to me that there is much opportunity here to meet anyone new? If you carry on living as you are, it is possible that you will never meet anyone to build a relationship with, because you seem to have created a life that precludes this.

If you are serious about meeting someone, you will need to come up with ways of getting out and meeting new people. You are going to have to change what you are doing now, if you want to have a different outcome.

Have a think about what changes you could make to start socialising a bit more. It doesn't have to be massive to start but any change will be positive.