How do I let go of my childish dreams of being in a relationship?

AllAloneInThisHouse · 2023-05-09T17:40:42+00:00

Just got yet another happy announcement of engagement and somewhere deep down I’m sure I’m happy for them. But in true honesty, I had a panic attack. That’s how lonely I am. I do my best to drown myself in hobbies, I’m not a career personality with lots of money, but after all these years it’s still not working. All I ever wanted was simple life, a kind partner to have a quiet life with. And maybe a kid. It’s probably too late now, who knows. It’s not looking good, never did actually. I do my best to read and re-read all the happy single material I can get my hands on. But even though I’m happy not to be abused, cheated on, raped, or be with a porn watcher or drug user/ drinker…. The fantasies of someone just wanting to sit next to me in silence and hold my hand and tell me everything is all right, just won’t go away. I know it’s sound stupid, trust me I’m embarrased writing this, but it’s true. I don’t want to talk about this in real life, I’m too ashamed, so just venting here if anyone is reading or has something nice to say. Sorry this turned out to be so long!

Smallfry79 · 09/05/2023 18:50

I can understand where you are coming from and deep down feel the same but maybe not as intensely. I can be ok for ages and think I have accepted it when it comes back fiercely again
I hate that we can sometimes appear to be painted as misguided, foolish or naive.
Lonliness is real and its a pity we have to hide it.
I dont think anyone would guess how deeply I feel this sometimes.
No advice just know you are not alone and it is ok to feel like this

Fairowing · 09/05/2023 18:55

I was just going to say the same as @Smallfry79 you’re not alone and it’s ok to feel like this and you are enough.

Original poster

AllAloneInThisHouse · 09/05/2023 19:02

Thank you for commenting.
It’s good (not good, but hopefully you both know what I mean) to hear I’m not alone.
It so often feels like I’m to only one and that brings extra layer of shame.

I can be ok for ages and think I have accepted it when it comes back fiercely again

Oh yes, I’ve spend years being okey with it, thinkin that of course some point things will take a turn.
Now that I’m getting older, reality has really hit. And hard.

OP posts:

Happierwithouthim · 09/05/2023 19:04

I don't know what age you are but people do meet partners later in life too

hairdresserbreakup · 09/05/2023 19:04

I don't think that it's in any way childish. I think it's in built human nature. I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but I don't think you should beat yourself up for feeling how you do.

MargotBamborough · 09/05/2023 19:04

I don't see why you have to let go of your dream of being in a relationship if that is what you want? Why do you think it's too late for you? I don't think there is any such thing as too late!

Treesoutsidemywindow · 09/05/2023 19:12

I honestly don't want this to come across the wrong way OP, but can I ask what you're doing in life that would help you to meet the right person, ie, you say you have hobbies, but are they things that mean you mix with people with similar interests? Do you work somewhere where you have contact with likely people? Do you socialise much? I had a friend who met his wife in Tesco, so it's not totally out of the question that you should meet the love of your life, but ideally you do need to give yourself opportunities to meet them. Obviously if you're doing all this, then just don't give up, I firmly believe there is someone out there for everyone, you just have to find them.

RubiesAndRaindrops · 09/05/2023 19:20

It's not childish to want a relationship and feel as you do, it's completely natural. Please be kinder to yourself. I was single for a little over 10 years (low self esteem I guess, afraid of rejection & stuff). Its hard and it also feels like the world is set up for couples. Silly things would niggle, like, why do they only sell cakes in the supermarket as a pack of 2 (or more?) I only want/need 1. I can't really offer any advice but you're not alone feeling like this, I bet you'd be a wonderful partner and it is hard. Some people have met & married in their 80's or older - I hope it doesn't take that long for you but don't count yourself out you never know what might be around the corner.

SilverPeacock · 09/05/2023 19:21

Two of my besties met people in mid to late forties and are both married now. I honestly thought they would probably stay single but they’ve surprised me, so there you go. Loneliness is so painful but I don’t think you have to give up.

Giselletheunicorn · 09/05/2023 19:40

My uncle met my Aunt in his mid 40s after two decades of being single. They had almost 30 happy years of marriage....

I'm so sorry you are lonely, OP. I totally understand how hard that is. But don't give up.

Original poster

AllAloneInThisHouse · 09/05/2023 19:58

Treesoutsidemywindow · 09/05/2023 19:12

I honestly don't want this to come across the wrong way OP, but can I ask what you're doing in life that would help you to meet the right person, ie, you say you have hobbies, but are they things that mean you mix with people with similar interests? Do you work somewhere where you have contact with likely people? Do you socialise much? I had a friend who met his wife in Tesco, so it's not totally out of the question that you should meet the love of your life, but ideally you do need to give yourself opportunities to meet them. Obviously if you're doing all this, then just don't give up, I firmly believe there is someone out there for everyone, you just have to find them.

Most of my hobbiest are what I do alone / at home, they are more about my passions and to keep me occupied.

I don’t socialise much, that is part of the problem I do know that.
I grew up very ugly (not that O turned into a swan at any point, but I did lose weight and my acne cleared out) and never had many friends.
And the older I got, the lack of any experience just started weighing heavier and heavier and about year or year and and half ago I just gave up.
I never really got any attention OLD, and I’m really not build for that type of thing anyway.

I do have few friends / relatives around my age, but everyone is in relationships or alcholics / other serious issues.

I realize I’m probably coming of as pretty negative / passive, I’m not this depressing isually in my life, it’s just around this topic that I have so much anxiety about.

OP posts:

takealettermsjones · 09/05/2023 20:04

It's not a childish dream at all. If I were you I think I'd give OLD another go, but maybe stay away from the mainstream ones like Tinder and POF! Could you try something like e Harmony or maybe there's one for people with similar interests to you?

Treesoutsidemywindow · 09/05/2023 23:36

OP I really do feel for you, as it does sound like you've lost hope of finding anyone to share your life with, and that's such a shame, as it can be wonderful. I notice that you haven't told us your age, or indeed whether you work. If you're retired, or unable to get a job for any other reason, would you be prepared to look for something, just to get you back out into the world? You seem determined to think of yourself as ugly, is there any particular reason for that, or has someone over the years, possibly a parent, sapped you of any self confidence that you did have? There is so much that I would like to know in order to try and help you, and bolster your confidence, so if you'd like to, why not send me a private message, if nothing else, we can all do with another friend.

DixonD · 09/05/2023 23:41

It’s not childish at all - it’s a completely normal “grown up” desire to share your life with a partner. Don’t trivialise your feelings. It’s hard and it’s rubbish but there’s no magic answer unfortunately. In my experience, anything that seems to work has been derived from chance encounters. You just don’t know when one is going to happen.

Blackbyrd · 10/05/2023 00:10

You write very emotively OP, and seem like a lovely, compassionate and likeable person. It is difficult to meet people, but maybe certain hobbies are a better bet for doing so. You say that you would like a kind, quiet person so that would suggest someone with a religious belief, or into nature and environmental issues. Could you attend a church, join a walking group or look into local Meet Up groups? The main thing is making new friends and then a relationship may follow
Many people are lonely nowadays and it is brave of you to say that you feel that way too. Where I am, just this week,there have been open invitations to join the local bell ringers, join a beach litter pick, walk to the lighthouse at low tide, to become an Art Ambassador for the town and to consider short term fostering of various animals. All of these activities involve mixing with welcoming people. Hopefully you can find something locally you like the sound of. Good luck and you are most definitely not alone!

Blackbyrd · 10/05/2023 00:16

@Treesoutsidemywindow , that's a lovely empathetic post

lemonchiffonpie · 10/05/2023 00:20

It's not childish, it's human.

Give up reading the singles books. Try volunteering, helping out at a homeless shelter or serving food in a church hall to the hungry - you are more likely to meet among the volunteers a man who is a bit shyer and kinder. In the meantime, you will feel valued as yourself, which will also help.

CuriouslyDifferent · 10/05/2023 00:20

Old is a pain. I’d try and find any other method

As someone who was touched by the ugly stick at birth, and male, in this age instagram models and filters (which never seemed to shrink my big pointy nose or put hair on my very bald head) Old was never going to be a solution. I’m sure i cracked screens if i wasn’t swiped away fast enough, but I guess my inner qualities showed through over the years.

You know yourself, need to get out more and socialise, ideally meeting people via friends and colleagues and get yourself into situations where you get the chance to meet other new people. Good people do have that inner beauty we hear about, and just try to make sure you don’t waste time on idiots.

It took me Til 50 to be truly happy with someone, and I’m sure you will find someone too.

Peakypolly · 10/05/2023 00:29

I never really got any attention OLD, I wonder, as Blackbyrd mentions, your interests may be better met by a specialist OLD company.
Some friends of mine met via a Christian dating site, and neither are particularly religious! Another friend is now dating a man she met when she volunteered at our local literature festival (she volunteered to steward for the military history authors, rightly guessing they may be male heavy).
I hope you can find a happy place some day soon.

ModestMoon · 10/05/2023 00:34

Not childish! A totally normal desire. The older I get the more of a romantic I have become. I used to be very cynical, would go around saying that relationships were just something you got into for convenience. Now I'm in my mid 30s I've really come to believe in the whole true love, best friends, companion fairytale of our culture. Maybe I've watched too many Hollywood films!

It's never too late. If anything dating older opens up your pool a bit as men enter their divorced stage.

Original poster

AllAloneInThisHouse · 10/05/2023 07:51

Oh, @ModestMoon !

Thank you for writing that.

I’m in a crazy place in my head currently.
Like you, I also was cynical about love, thought people were co-dependent fools or something.
Didn’t think of love, it had no value to me.
And now, I still don’t know how real it is, but every year day I seem to want to love someone and be loved, more and more.
And I’m really talking about pure-acceptance-I choose you- kind of love.

It’s so crazy, no idea where that came from!

OP posts:

Corrienation · 10/05/2023 07:58

Why would you give up? Meeting someone does involve sifting through all the people you aren’t compatible with to find the one you are. It does take work, energy and effort. Did you give up on your exams because they were too much like hard work?

please don’t become a female incel. Yes there are nasty men but there are also lots of nice ones. Get out of your comfort zone, try socialising more and have fun! You will see that there are lots of good people, improve your social circle and hopefully meet someone.

Sorry but Prince Charming isn’t going to trip over and fall into your lap. You have to make an effort and be open to it.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/05/2023 08:00

Meeting someone is a numbers game- you have to go out and socialise and meet people. A future partner doesn’t knock on your door- sorry to be blunt but it’s only a dream
because you aren’t being proactive.

Trinityloop · 10/05/2023 08:19

Don't necessarily write off online dating. For me it was a god send.

For me it really helped to know that everyone was there to date. In real life, say someone seems friendly at a supermarket above, you have to figure out if their single, then if they are up for dating, then if they are up for dating you (age, interests and looks wise), and is that flirting? but online dating allows an arena that we all know why we are on a date and that if they have agreed to go on that date having seen photos that it's not completely unwanted if I flirt with them.

In real life my lack of confidence would mean that I would be unlikely to pick up that someone might be flirting with me, and I'd assume that they don't find me attractive so I would probably never instigate those things.

I always say that I would have loved to have met someone in a natural environment but if we'd have met in tescos (even though logistically we would have never met as we didn't travel in the same circles)

I'd of thought that they wouldn't have been interested / were out of my league
neither of us are the type to chat someone up in a supermarket.
should we somehow started chatting over the baked beans, we wouldn't have then asked for each others numbers as you'd have to be pretty confident
both of us would have thought someone asking for your number in a supermarket is intrusive and likely a weirdo

Realistically I'm simply not the kind of person that appreciates someone joining my table in a coffee shop or chats with strangers

It meant that I could fully relax and didn't feel like that when I was doing normal activities eg volunteering that I should have some sort of secret mission to be finding out who was eligible etc. It meant the pressure was off when I did speak to potential partners in that setting, which made me more confident and engaging. It allowed me to have hobbies etc where I didn't have to think about that

Original poster

AllAloneInThisHouse · 10/05/2023 18:03

Treesoutsidemywindow · 09/05/2023 23:36

OP I really do feel for you, as it does sound like you've lost hope of finding anyone to share your life with, and that's such a shame, as it can be wonderful. I notice that you haven't told us your age, or indeed whether you work. If you're retired, or unable to get a job for any other reason, would you be prepared to look for something, just to get you back out into the world? You seem determined to think of yourself as ugly, is there any particular reason for that, or has someone over the years, possibly a parent, sapped you of any self confidence that you did have? There is so much that I would like to know in order to try and help you, and bolster your confidence, so if you'd like to, why not send me a private message, if nothing else, we can all do with another friend.

Thank you for your very, very kind post @Treesoutsidemywindow .
It means a lot!

I do work, very part time.
I’m 38.
And about the ugliness, yes I’ve been told I’m one - or at least back in the day with my old weight. And just how people were around me vs. how they are with better looking people, I put two and two together.

OP posts: