Was this such a terrible thing to do? AIBU?

[Kymmi]

This concerns my friend since childhood. We got together a few years ago but I ended the relationship late last year for a few reasons but also because my feelings were platonic rather than romantic. I initially pushed for us to have a break from each other, mainly for his benefit as he obviously still had feelings for me but he forcefully insisted we remain friends - according to him now because I’d said I wasn’t interested in dating which was and is true but he never mentioned this at the time.

A few weeks ago, after I’d done him a favour, he started interrogating me about my love life. I was honest and admitted that I’d hooked up with an ex which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. As fate would have it, the abortion was booked on the day of a mutual friend’s funeral.

We had already planned to travel together so I messaged and explained I’d need to leave after the service as I had a hospital appointment and would therefore travel to the funeral by myself. He insisted that he could still take us and that he’d take me to my hospital appointment as well and that he hoped we’d spend the day together after (which we did even though I really wanted to be on my own to process). He asked what the appointment was for so I lied about the reason and explained he couldn’t come with me (which was true) but took him up on his offer of a lift, partly because I knew from experience that he wouldn’t drop it.

He’s furious with me for not telling him the reason for my appointment and said if he’d known I was pregnant, he wouldn’t have taken me or done a couple of other favours for me at the time. I’m really hurt that our friendship appears to be conditional on me not sleeping with or dating other people and I’m equally angry that he expected me to consider his feelings first at a very traumatic and upsetting time for me.

For context, shortly before we got together, I had another termination (same ex) and my friend was fully aware and insisted on taking me to my appointments so I assumed he’d be ok about it as he was before. However, he sneered at me that he’d now taken me to two abortions which really stung as I could hear the judgement in his voice, even after I’d told him I’d found the whole thing traumatic and was still processing it all. For further context, he’d been on a date and not told me about it but apparently that’s not the same as I don’t have feelings for him?! It’s true I’m fine with him dating but the double standards bother me.

Was IBU to have let him give me a lift to the hospital? I feel like he’s massively overreacting- it’s not like I was secretly having a baby and he was taking me to my maternity appointments, it was just a lift for a medical procedure but he’s acting like he’d done me a huge favour that I brought about by deception.

You need to get well away from this man. He is controlling and you are susceptible to his control. Your post is littered with things he 'made' you do against your preferences. No type of healthy relationship is possible where one person can coerce the other. You're not able to stand up to him (I'm not blaming you, he's worked on you for years) so you really need to step away before he 'makes' you sleep with him/go back to him/whatever else he wants from you.

He's not a friend. He's putting friendship coins in the meter hoping that sex comes out.
And when you give sex to others who are not putting the friendship coins in, he feels he can judge you and be a dick.

He knows all your weaknesses and uses them against you to keep you around.

Find better friends.

You should never have accepted the lift to the hospital.

I'd step away from this relationship.

I thought this was a "women supporting women" chatroom. Some of the comments on here are absolutely horrendous and not even relevant to the OP's question.

She is asking for help about a potentionally abusive friend and the anti-abortion comments are completely irrelevant and unnecessary.

You are not pro choice.

You both sound bloody awful. I'm not judging for having 2 abortions although you do sound incredibly irresponsible

”I’m not judging you, but…”

All these posters who say they’re pro choice because they refuse to admit they’re wildly not, and in fact find any woman needing to access that particular element of healthcare contemptible.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget where we are and what year it is. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Two abortion and you think that’s her using it as contraception do you? Get thyself a grip.

I actually feel quite sickened that women on here have the absolute cheek to claim they’re pro-choice, but then tear shreds off a woman for daring to access that healthcare, even saying things like ‘you’re not exactly a beacon of integrity’ for daring to access a termination on just two very separate occasions.

Fucking grim. And those posters should be ashamed, quite frankly. At least admit you’re not pro-choice.

Completely separately to your issues with your friend, if you've had two unplanned pregnancies with your ex resulting in two terminations, you need to sort your contraception out.

However, that is your business and yours alone.

It is not on for this guy to essentially coerce you into revealing information you don't feel comfortable revealing, and then to judge you for it when you do. It's also not a real friendship if it is conditional on you not dating other people.

I would be keeping this guy at arm's length from now on, at least for a while. Any support he offers you is going to come with strings attached.

I'm sorry about your friend dying, and that you had to have your termination on the same day. It sounds like you've been through a lot recently and could really do without this added stress.

This is not a friendship you can have. You need to accept that he is not your friend and walk away.

Quite! I had to access this service recently. It was either that or have a baby I can't care for adequately. Who (except me) is suffering as a result of my actions? Why is my contraception the business of any stranger on here?

I hope its sunk in by now OP that he is no friend to you. While I haven't been in your situation I can relate so much to what you say about not being able to say no to him, and feeling responsible for his feelings and actions. You don't know how to put yourself first. Hope you can begin to heal, and work on boundaries for yourself. It's scary but so rewarding, I promise. Best of luck to you

I agree. Two abortions in five years is not reckless. Even if it was. So what? Abortions are legal here and available if you need one.

I'm really surprised at the negative comments on this thread. It's quite interesting. No contraception is 100% effective. Good for you if you've never had it fail.

Have some self respect. This guy thinks he has options on your life and how you live it. Be clear with him and end your friendship. It sounds unbearably messy.

I think you need to set firm boundaries from both of these men. Your "friend" is possessive and controlling, and your hook up ex is an ex for a reason. As the saying goes, the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

Think a bit about why you don't value yourself more than either of these men. Think a bit about what you want.

I’m sorry to resurrect this thread after so long but things have gone from bad to worse.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve come to find out that he has been bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen. I don’t know if he’s specifically mentioned the abortion but I’m a very private person and the thought that other people might know about this is very distressing.

He’s also turned my best friend against me and I suspect they’re now in a relationship as he’s at her house every evening. She lives a couple of streets down from me so I have to go the long way to avoid seeing his car there and feeling triggered all over again. I’ve blocked them both but avoid going out in case I bump in to them.

I’m receiving counselling but it’s not really helping. I think about this every waking moment and can’t sleep unless I’m totally exhausted. The only thing keeping me going are my DC. I just can’t reconcile the person I thought he was for all these years with the way he’s behaving now. I feel like I must deserve this or it wouldn’t be happening. All I can think about is that I wish I’d never got with him or slept with my ex or just not told him but I didn’t know he would use it against me like this.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over it 😞

"he forcefully insisted we remain friends " Get away from this man.

The only thing you can do is continue to stay away. If he’s dating your friend (who is also no such thing) all the better. He should have no reason to continue badmouthing you.

You don’t deserve this and anyone with an iota of sense will realise that he’s a knobber with an axe to grind. I didn’t realise that you had dc from your previous posts but that makes it even more important that you are away from these horrible people and that you put this behind you.

The bottom line is people can be dicks. It’s unfortunate but we all come across them at some point or other. It’s not a reflection on you but on them so you must stop letting them affect you. There are lots of good people out there but you need to make room for them by not letting the horrible ones take up valuable space in your head.

I feel like I’m being punished repeatedly for one mistake. I’ve already suffered so much as a consequence and it just keeps on going. I really thought this year would be the start of good things finally happening for me and I’m struggling to accept everything that’s happened.

Thank you for your kind words @SchoolQuestionnaire. I don’t know how to stop feeling like this is my karma.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you were very vulnerable and he manipulated you. When you tried to enforce boundaries, he ‘punished’ you and then manipulated your best friend and turned her against you!
Check out Caroline Strawson on social media and see if anything she posts resonates.
You will recover in time. Talking therapy can help but sometimes you need to look at other therapy like somatic healing. I hope you feel better in time.

Thanks you @ThisWormHasTurned. I looked her up and notice it’s mostly about narcissists. I don’t think he is a narc although he meets some of the traits for covert narcs. My XH is an overt narc so I recognise a lot of what she mentions with him and trauma bonding too.

What a horrible pathetic guy. These arseholes exist and vulnerable people can fall prey to them particularly. Seeking out people to bad mouth you to is twisted. You've had a very very common female experience and truly fuck anyone that judges you on it. They're also tosspots. I've had a male "friend" talk about me to others and reveal personal details and I've just had to accept that anyone who believes or judges me on the back of him sharing a story that wasn't his to tell is not my friend.

I know you said you don't think he's a narcissist, but he does seem to have a lot of the traits.

Whether he is or not is not the most important thing. You now know that he is an absolutely toxic individual and he is trying to break your soul and punish you in whatever way possible. You need to be as far away from him as possible amd have nothingness do with him.

It's heartbreaking that he's turned your best friend against you and that she's stupid enough to believe his lies and fall for him, but people like him isolate you from those you care about. She will see what he's like in time and wish she'd never abandoned you.

Concentrate on your own healing. Surround yourself with people you trust and love, and ideally not a mutual friend to avoid any mention of him.

Wishing you well in your recovery.

You're not pro choice.

OP they sound like an awful pair him and your ex best friend.

No doubt he is only with her to hurt you, if there was real genuine feelings there then they would have been together before now.

Sounds like you are well rid of both of them. I hope you're OK.