Was this such a terrible thing to do? AIBU?

[Kymmi]

This concerns my friend since childhood. We got together a few years ago but I ended the relationship late last year for a few reasons but also because my feelings were platonic rather than romantic. I initially pushed for us to have a break from each other, mainly for his benefit as he obviously still had feelings for me but he forcefully insisted we remain friends - according to him now because I’d said I wasn’t interested in dating which was and is true but he never mentioned this at the time.

A few weeks ago, after I’d done him a favour, he started interrogating me about my love life. I was honest and admitted that I’d hooked up with an ex which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. As fate would have it, the abortion was booked on the day of a mutual friend’s funeral.

We had already planned to travel together so I messaged and explained I’d need to leave after the service as I had a hospital appointment and would therefore travel to the funeral by myself. He insisted that he could still take us and that he’d take me to my hospital appointment as well and that he hoped we’d spend the day together after (which we did even though I really wanted to be on my own to process). He asked what the appointment was for so I lied about the reason and explained he couldn’t come with me (which was true) but took him up on his offer of a lift, partly because I knew from experience that he wouldn’t drop it.

He’s furious with me for not telling him the reason for my appointment and said if he’d known I was pregnant, he wouldn’t have taken me or done a couple of other favours for me at the time. I’m really hurt that our friendship appears to be conditional on me not sleeping with or dating other people and I’m equally angry that he expected me to consider his feelings first at a very traumatic and upsetting time for me.

For context, shortly before we got together, I had another termination (same ex) and my friend was fully aware and insisted on taking me to my appointments so I assumed he’d be ok about it as he was before. However, he sneered at me that he’d now taken me to two abortions which really stung as I could hear the judgement in his voice, even after I’d told him I’d found the whole thing traumatic and was still processing it all. For further context, he’d been on a date and not told me about it but apparently that’s not the same as I don’t have feelings for him?! It’s true I’m fine with him dating but the double standards bother me.

Was IBU to have let him give me a lift to the hospital? I feel like he’s massively overreacting- it’s not like I was secretly having a baby and he was taking me to my maternity appointments, it was just a lift for a medical procedure but he’s acting like he’d done me a huge favour that I brought about by deception.

People who insist on being your friend whether you like it or not are not really your friends. Ditto people who insist on giving you lifts. You really need to research a good local taxi firm and get their app on your phone.

Have you had any therapy about these things, your childhood, people pleasing, etc.

Block the guy on everything and get some therapy. He has never been a friend.
He's just been hanging around hoping he can get some sex.

This

Everyone criticising you for the abortions can fuck right off.

Op, he is not and never was a true friend. He has always tried to push you into a relationship, his friendship was always geared around this.

If he gets back in contact again, tell him you don't wish to be friends with him ever again, because he has destroyed your trust. And hold firm to that!

He’s not your friend op: he’s trying to control you. Ignore all these judgemental comments as well.

Put him on block, find some therapy

You and he do not share the same values so it’s best that you simply disengage and move on. Neither of you are exactly shining beacons of integrity.

You don't have to tell anyone any reason for you needing to attend a hospital appointment.

He is a controlling nightmare and it's best to keep him out of your life.

Not wanting a relationship, especially with a man you're not romantically attracted to, doesn't mean you have to remain celibate for all eternity.

Accidents happen and we're fortunate in this country we can make a decision after the fact. It's just pure bad luck that it fell on the day you'd agreed to lift share.

If he doesn't want answers he shouldn't hound you with questions.

I think you are hard to read, OP. If you truly couldn’t keep your friend away from your hospital appointment you have a fundamental problem to work on, and it isn’t him. (He is also something of a problem, but should not be so overwhelming from what you have said) It is, as you said, about asserting your boundaries.

The other possibility your wording brings up is that you didn’t really think about the situation from his perspective. Firstly, I know several good and generally progressive people who are sincerely pro life. They would focus on their friend’s welfare if given the space to prepare, and frankly they would find this much easier to do the first time than the second. Also, this guy is an ex you had broken up with, another major complication, and again the situation took him by surprise.

I disapprove completely of his behaviour as you describe it, but I don’t think you were very sensitive. I know you were in a bad place though.

It's not a healthy friendship for either of you, and the fairest thing on both sides would be a clean break. He won't rip the plaster off, OP, so you have to.

He sounds like hard work and you need to get yourself a coil.

Your 'friend' is controlling, possessive and his attitude to you seems to come from a place of rather messed-up attitudes to women in general. You are extremely passive and really need some help urgently to learn to find and assert your boundaries. It seems you went along with the lift the way you go along with everything he pushes for, when you could have known it really wasn't a good idea given all the history, although his attitude to it as shown you him for what he is, which can only be a good thing in terms of your disengaging from him.

You also need to be checking your contraception, for it to fail twice like this, and be honest with yourself about whether the method just doesn't work for you (then you need to change and/or double up) or whether you've been lax in its use, perhaps under pressure from your ex.

He sounds really creepy.
to give you a hard time when you’re having a struggle - it feels like a power trip.

I hope you can just block this person. He doesn’t sound stable at all.

All of this.

stay away from him. He is dangerous.

He is not your friend. He is extremely controlling and manipulative.

Doesn't matter how long you've known him for, as People like him don't change. You don't owe him anything a.d he doesn't own you, so tell him you want nothing to do with him.

Please cut him off and don't speak to him. You did nothing wrong at all. It's your body, your life and you don't owe anyone any explanations (here or in real life).

I have trouble people pleasing and have felt pressured to keep unhealthy friendships out of duty. But I'm learning to have more boundaries. This friendship isn't bringing anything positive into your life.

I just wanted to thank everyone who has been supportive and offered advice on this thread. I was starting to come to terms with everything but feeling so judged by someone I thought was a close friend, set me back and dragged up a lot of other stuff. This has really helped me process what the real issues are so whilst I’m feeling sad at the demise of our friendship, I realise it’s for the best as the dynamics weren’t healthy for either of us.

I think you may want/have wanted to believe his friendship was genuine with no ulterior motives, but unfortunately it wasn’t. It comes across that he was playing at being your friend in the hope that he would ‘get you’ in the long run once you realized your heart was with him all along(!). Outside of this did he display jealousy about your ex? He was imo fine the first time because he thought he was rid of him, but this has made him realize that said ex was still on the scene, and that his ‘friendship’ wasn’t having the desired impact. He’s angry and is lashing out because he wants to hurt you, and oh look, he fell back on insulting your sexuality in order to do so. So very predictable.

he’s not, and likely never has been, your friend. You deserve better. Oh, and who cares what anyone else has to say about abortion? It’s a perfectly legal, and incredibly common, medical procedure. That’s your business, no one else’s.

OP, I had a "friend" like this. Bff's since college and well into our '50s. He had also held a candle for me but reassured me over and over and over that he knew I wasn't interested in him romantically and that he was happy to be "just friends." I foolishly (in hindsight) took him at his word.

Fast foward to last year and I started casually seeing someone - the first after my high conflict divorce. I told my friend and he ended our friendship right then and there.

When they constantly assure and reassure that they are happy to just be friends, we take them at their word because of history of being a good friend. This is not your fault nor is it your responsibility to manage his emotions. He lied to you and to himself - this is on him. And there is no coming back from this because you've seen his true colors.

I never knew how much expectation and hope my ex-bff put on me until he ended our friendship and I felt the weight of it all lift off my shoulders.

Wow, you sound just as bad as OP's "friend".

He sounds controlling and manipulative. Get rid.

He offered to take her to her hospiral appointment. Insisted. OP is not at fault here.

The abortion part of this is irrelevant. It's a massive red flag that he insists on staying friends with you, but expects you to remain celibate to spare his feelings. Even worse that he doesn't feel he should have to do the same as you aren't interested in him. I've known so many men like him - it's the classic "nice guy" who thinks women owe him some kind of apology if he is romantically/sexually interested in them and they don't return it. I would end the friendship or take a massive step back.

My thoughts exactly, start using contraception and stop leading the poor bloke on, he thinks he stands a chance still, but getting him to drop you off for 2 abortions I honestly can’t see what he sees in you!

Incel alert.

It doesn't matter if you've had 1 abortion or 10. The option exists for women who are pregnant and don't want to/can't have a baby.

There are people on this thread who are clearly anti-choice but are pretending not to be. Why does it matter to them that someone has chosen to end their pregnancies?

The only person whose business it is what you do with your body is you. You owe him absolutely nothing, not even a minute of your time. It's time to move on and block him, keeping him completely out of your life. Start looking into therapy to build yourself up and also the freedom project so you can recognise red flags quickly. He has no rights over your body, your time and your decisions and doesn't care about upsetting or hurting you so doesn't deserve your concerns about his feelings.