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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my Ex FIL to walk me up the aisle?

48 replies

asco · 09/05/2023 00:26

So the back story is as follows
Was married, very young, started our family straight away but before our 2nd child was born DH died in a car accident. I was only 22.
I was raised by my grandparents (grandad died 2 yrs ago) and they were the best substitute parents anyone could ask for.
My inlaws are amazing and took me on as the daughter they never had (5 sons!!) I love them both and I know they feel the same about me.
My Mum had/has her issues and is not part of our lives and my Dad only appeared out of the woodwork about 5yrs ago, I suspect due to him hearing about how well, business/financial/new partner wise position I am in.
However he is a brilliant grandad to my two and my DPs one (he's a widow so his son is with us), he has really thrown himself into the role and the 3 of them have a lovely relationship. He and I get on well but I would see him as more like a brother/uncle as him and my Mum were only teenagers when I was born and as I say he's only around the last 5 yrs.
Conversation came up in the company of 2 of my Dads, brothers, one SIL and his parents (my other grandparents, also only in my life last 5 yrs) as to who would 'give me away' and I said I would be asking my ex FIL. The look of horror on my grandparents and uncles faces was unreal.
I left as they were starting to really piss me of and argue with me, telling me I had no right to do that, it was cruel, not normal and everyone would be talking about me - I couldn't care less was my parting remark.
No doubt they will have contacted my Dad and told him so will be interesting to see how he takes it.
It's not really that unreasonable is it? given my very close relationship with my ex inlaws and the lack of one with my Dad?

OP posts:
Jeds55 · 09/05/2023 00:30

It's completely your choice. You have the person there that you want. Stick to your guns.

toomuchlaundry · 09/05/2023 00:31

You could just walk up with your husband to be, if you want. You don’t need to be given away

lamaze1 · 09/05/2023 00:33

You're not unreasonable at all. It is entirely upto you. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your ex-in-laws who have been there to support you when you've been in need.

TimesRwo · 09/05/2023 00:35

Not at all unreasonable. It’s so lovely of you to do that, and a nice way to show that your ex in laws are still very much your family and part of your new family.

I may or may not have shed a tear as I read your post…

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/05/2023 00:36

Do what you want, as long as he’s comfortable with it, but 2 kids and 2 relationships down it’s fairly ludicrous to be given away by anyone.

imnotsadyouresad · 09/05/2023 00:36

I think it would be lovely.

Your ex-FIL has been there for you more than your actual DF, and it symbolises that whilst you are marrying a new husband, your first husband will always occupy an important place in your and your children's hearts. It shows that you might be moving on with your life, but moving on doesn't mean forgetting.

The more I think about it, the more moved I feel. It's a wonderful choice, and I'm so pleased that your ex-inlaws have stayed close to you, and your DC have that link to that part of their family. I'm sure your first husband would be pleased with how you've continued to keep his parents close in your life.

MaggieFS · 09/05/2023 00:40

YANBU, it's whomever you want and it sounds like your FIL has been supportive through your formative years given you had children with his son so young. I think it's wonderful that you want to ask him given the lack of contact with your own parents.

The only caveat I would make is that given you do have a fledgling relationship with your own dad, I would talk to him and let him know what you are doing,

Sugarfree23 · 09/05/2023 00:40

Oh that's a tough one especially as your Dad is back on the scene and is playing an active role in he's GCs lives.

I think it's lovely you want FiL and can only imagine the amount of support you must have needed to raise your kids.
But I can see how it could put sensitive noses out of joint.

Are your kids old enough to do it?
Is the asile wide enough for Dad & Fil?

sjpkgp1 · 09/05/2023 01:41

imnotsadyouresad · 09/05/2023 00:36

I think it would be lovely.

Your ex-FIL has been there for you more than your actual DF, and it symbolises that whilst you are marrying a new husband, your first husband will always occupy an important place in your and your children's hearts. It shows that you might be moving on with your life, but moving on doesn't mean forgetting.

The more I think about it, the more moved I feel. It's a wonderful choice, and I'm so pleased that your ex-inlaws have stayed close to you, and your DC have that link to that part of their family. I'm sure your first husband would be pleased with how you've continued to keep his parents close in your life.

Absolutely this. Do what YOU want to do and what you feel is right to do, Congratulations, xx

CoffeeYes · 09/05/2023 01:59

Is your grandma still alive (you only mentioned your grandfather - sorry to hear he has passed)? Why not ask her to ‘give you away’ seeing as she raised you? She is your closest parent figure.

Gymnopedie · 09/05/2023 03:07

my Dad only appeared out of the woodwork about 5yrs ago, I suspect due to him hearing about how well, business/financial/new partner wise position I am in.

If you really believe that (and I don't doubt you) then ignore the flying monkeys, even if they didn't know that's what they were at the time. It's quite possible he's playing granddad of the year to 'get in good with the company' [ie you] as they say in the USA. He's worming his way into your life via the kids, and quite possibly is going to show his true colours at some point in the future when it becomes clear what he wants from you.

Stick with the FIL you love and who loves you for who you are, not for what he can get out of it.

mischlerischler · 09/05/2023 03:18

YANBU - it's your wedding and your decision.

It sounds like you are much closer to your FIL than your biological dad. I wouldn't worry about others opinions.

JandalsAlways · 09/05/2023 03:33

CoffeeYes · 09/05/2023 01:59

Is your grandma still alive (you only mentioned your grandfather - sorry to hear he has passed)? Why not ask her to ‘give you away’ seeing as she raised you? She is your closest parent figure.

Your idea is lovely with ex-FIL, I also like this idea. There is also the option of having no one (technically ita quite old fashioned as you don't really need to be 'given away'

Spcd · 09/05/2023 03:42

I would think more obvious choices to walk up the aisle with would be your grandma if she's still alive, or your children.

But ultimately it's your choice and if he's the nearest thing you have to a father figure that's entirely reasonable.

SargentSagittarius · 09/05/2023 03:59

I left as they were starting to really piss me of and argue with me, telling me I had no right to do that, it was cruel, not normal and everyone would be talking about me - I couldn't care less was my parting remark.

Just own it say, ‘of course it’s not normal! I had the complete opposite from normal upbringing, through no fault of my own. My wishes naturally reflect that’.

Then just reiterate it’s your day and having the important people take these critical roles in your day is far more important than what other people might think.

Other than that, I agree that having your grandmother walk you down - if she’s still alive - would be lovely.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 09/05/2023 04:15

No not unreasonable, it is completely your decision what happens on your wedding day!

Neopolitan · 09/05/2023 04:28

This is 2023. Walk up the aisle by yourself. That would save all arguments, too.

Confusion101 · 09/05/2023 05:02

I think it is a really beautiful idea to ask your FIL and quite symbolic. Yes it is "old fashioned" to be given away, but it also a wedding tradition that some want to carry on and I actually think the meaning of your FIL walking you up to your new husband is so lovely

JandalsAlways · 09/05/2023 05:17

Confusion101 · 09/05/2023 05:02

I think it is a really beautiful idea to ask your FIL and quite symbolic. Yes it is "old fashioned" to be given away, but it also a wedding tradition that some want to carry on and I actually think the meaning of your FIL walking you up to your new husband is so lovely

This too, it is nice from the symbolic perspective. Hope you have a lovely day 💖

WavingThroughYoWindow · 09/05/2023 05:35

If your Dad reacts negatively and is in anway unkind about it, I think that'll show you've made the correct decision.

theculture · 09/05/2023 05:39

Agree with a PP it's all very well for your DFs family to say it's not normal; but it's not normal not to see your daughter at all as and only recently as an adult - He wasn't there to support you when you were a vulnerable child or going through the trauma of loosing your previous husband

Your plan sounds lovely and will signal to your PIL that they continue as part of your family

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 09/05/2023 05:45

CoffeeYes · 09/05/2023 01:59

Is your grandma still alive (you only mentioned your grandfather - sorry to hear he has passed)? Why not ask her to ‘give you away’ seeing as she raised you? She is your closest parent figure.

I was wondering about this too. Either way though it's completely up to you and no one else. Just because he's your father doesn't mean he automatically gets to walk you up the aisle. That's an honour that's earnt.

Lwrenagain · 09/05/2023 06:03

I think it's absolutely beautiful that you are asking fil, truly I do.
I loved my exh dad so much, so I fully get it.

Noicant · 09/05/2023 06:06

I think if DH were in your ex-FIL shoes he would be deeply honoured to be asked. Your family are being very unreasonable, you didn’t walk away from your dad he walked away from you. You are choosing who’s family to you and those are the people who have been there.

CamoFlamingo · 09/05/2023 06:08

Not at all in reasonable. My Mum post her Mum young and her abusive dad moved overseas so she became very close to my Dad's family and they were at her second wedding. She's now a carer to my Grandad (her ex Fil).