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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my Ex FIL to walk me up the aisle?

48 replies

asco · 09/05/2023 00:26

So the back story is as follows
Was married, very young, started our family straight away but before our 2nd child was born DH died in a car accident. I was only 22.
I was raised by my grandparents (grandad died 2 yrs ago) and they were the best substitute parents anyone could ask for.
My inlaws are amazing and took me on as the daughter they never had (5 sons!!) I love them both and I know they feel the same about me.
My Mum had/has her issues and is not part of our lives and my Dad only appeared out of the woodwork about 5yrs ago, I suspect due to him hearing about how well, business/financial/new partner wise position I am in.
However he is a brilliant grandad to my two and my DPs one (he's a widow so his son is with us), he has really thrown himself into the role and the 3 of them have a lovely relationship. He and I get on well but I would see him as more like a brother/uncle as him and my Mum were only teenagers when I was born and as I say he's only around the last 5 yrs.
Conversation came up in the company of 2 of my Dads, brothers, one SIL and his parents (my other grandparents, also only in my life last 5 yrs) as to who would 'give me away' and I said I would be asking my ex FIL. The look of horror on my grandparents and uncles faces was unreal.
I left as they were starting to really piss me of and argue with me, telling me I had no right to do that, it was cruel, not normal and everyone would be talking about me - I couldn't care less was my parting remark.
No doubt they will have contacted my Dad and told him so will be interesting to see how he takes it.
It's not really that unreasonable is it? given my very close relationship with my ex inlaws and the lack of one with my Dad?

OP posts:

bowlingalleyblues · 09/05/2023 06:09

I don’t think you need anyone to give you away if you’ve been married before, but technically you could say your birth family already gave you away to your late DH and his family so it would make sense if they “have” you in their family that they would have to be the ones to do it.

thecatwiththesilveryfur · 09/05/2023 06:18

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/05/2023 00:36

Do what you want, as long as he’s comfortable with it, but 2 kids and 2 relationships down it’s fairly ludicrous to be given away by anyone.

What a silly, nasty comment.

I think your idea is lovely, OP. Congratulations I hope you have a wonderful day.

ErinAoife · 09/05/2023 06:23

I am just curious why you called him ex FIL?

ThinWomansBrain · 09/05/2023 06:28

I find the whole concept of a woman 'being given away' anachronistic, harking back to the days of women being possessions.

Neopolitan · 09/05/2023 06:29

ErinAoife · 09/05/2023 06:23

I am just curious why you called him ex FIL?

Because he is her ex FIL.

Gloaminggnome · 09/05/2023 06:31

I was also widowed very young and my father-in-law the 1st (as we call them) gave me away when I remarried. My mother-in-law was my witness and sister-in-law was a bridesmaid. It was a way to honour them and our continued relationship. (They're now wonderful bonus grandparents to my kids, I feel extremely lucky).
My point being, please ask him, I think it would be a beautiful gesture 💐

Soothingaftersun · 09/05/2023 06:34

I get it, but seeing that your Dad has been back on the scene for 5 years and he has a good relationship with your kids I would have some reservations about snubbing him so publicly.

But at the end of the day as posters have said it is your choice and also ExFIL's. Would he be comfortable with it or awkward about stepping on Dad's toes ?

Its a lovely happy ending for you OP either way. So I hope family reactions won't spoil any part of it. Congratulations and good luck with everything.

GoodVibesHere · 09/05/2023 06:38

My main concern would be for your exFIL and whether he would find the situation upsetting, as he lost his son. Might he find it difficult?

Personally I'd never be 'given away'.

Toddlerteaplease · 09/05/2023 06:39

Ask them where your DF was when you were growing up!

otherwayup · 09/05/2023 06:39

You are literally worrying about nothing.
It's 2023 why on earth does a woman have to be given away by a man?!!
Walk down the aisle alone, with your dp or bridesmaids - there's many choices!

Snoken · 09/05/2023 06:45

To save hurting people I would walk down the isle with my husband. Since it’s a second marriage you have already been given away. If you really want to be given away though, I think the person who raised you should, ie your grandmother.

Simianwalk · 09/05/2023 06:52

I would never be given away. I'm an adult and don't need a man to release me!

Mortimercat · 09/05/2023 07:00

Neopolitan · 09/05/2023 06:29

Because he is her ex FIL.

Show quote history

I believe that former FIL would be the correct expression here.

OP, I think it is a nice gesture but when your grandmother who raised you is still around, surely she should be the one you ask.

That is if you must ask anybody, I am personally of the view that I am not a man’s property to be given away by anyone and shunned that part of the tradition myself.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 09/05/2023 07:09

theculture · 09/05/2023 05:39

Agree with a PP it's all very well for your DFs family to say it's not normal; but it's not normal not to see your daughter at all as and only recently as an adult - He wasn't there to support you when you were a vulnerable child or going through the trauma of loosing your previous husband

Your plan sounds lovely and will signal to your PIL that they continue as part of your family

Agreed.

You've been there for your PILs and they've been there for you when you were at the darkest point.

Your "dad" - where was he? Let him and his family feel offended...but think of all the milestones in your life they've missed, are they showing any remorse for missing your entire childhood or your first wedding?

Dotcheck · 09/05/2023 07:15

You don’t need to be given away, but if you want company while you walk up the aisle, it could be anyone you want.
Can you walk up with your children?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 09/05/2023 07:24

Your choice op. I'd do the same tbh. You've only really known your Dad for 5 years and it sounds like your ex FIL has been the only consistent male role model in your life.

Original poster

asco · 09/05/2023 13:05

Thank you everyone for the replies.
To answer some of the repeat questions, I put "giving me away" in inverted commas just to shorten the story a bit.
I won't be having a church wedding, we are getting married outdoors in the place I met and lived with my first husband as we still spend a lot of time there visiting and it's a beautiful scenic area, so really he will just be walking with me from the house to the outdoor area where we will marry.
My Nana and Grandad walked me up the aisle for my first wedding (traditional church wedding as it meant a lot to my then DH)
It was actually her suggestion that I ask my 1st FIL - as someone said ex FIL isn't really the correct term for him as he is anything but ex.
While I do believe my Dad had ulterior motives in getting in touch with me initially I also believe that he really does adore all 3 boys and quite possibly me too😁but for me it would just be more "natural" to ask 1st FIL - love the persons analogy of me joining his family and now he is the connection from his to my new family.
He would be honoured if I asked him, I'm 100% sure of that, however I do wonder, as someone pointed out, if he would find it more sad and emotional than a honour.
I actually like the idea of the 3 boys walking with me, they are 6, 6 and 7.
Food for thought, thank you all. Will chat to DP later.

OP posts:

BTMadmummy · 09/05/2023 13:16

This is such a beautiful idea. TBH I don't think FIL would find it sad at all, he would see it as an honour.

Another option would be to have your FIL walk you up half way, then your dad the rest, or vice-versa.

Wishing you the very best whatever you decide.

lanthanum · 09/05/2023 13:35

Ex-FIL sounds like a lovely idea, regardless of any other family relationships - it's a way of showing that your first marriage was an important part of your life, and will not be valued any the less because you are marrying again. Maybe talk about this aspect and try to distract the rest of your family away from the idea that you prefer your FIL to them.

jenny38 · 09/05/2023 13:46

Either walk by yourself, or have both your dad and your ex fil. Given it’s a small part of the wedding, I would keep the peace rather than make this into a point of stress. Your dad sounds like he is trying hard to integrate into your life. Obviously that can’t make up for all the missed years, but this is a very public way of letting everyone know that. Perhaps you could let them both walk you, then ex fil do the speech. I speak from experience, let your wedding be about the celebration.

BarrelOfOtters · 09/05/2023 14:00

I can imagine our DIL asking my DH to walk her down the aisle. His son passed away soon after they got married and she's still in our lives (no children). Her family live abroad very inaccessibly. If she married her new partner I can see her asking my DH. He'd be honoured but mixed emotions.

So check you former FIL out for those emotions.

My dad died years ago so one brother walked me down the aisle and the other one gave the Father of the Bride speech.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/05/2023 14:42

I think you're within your right to have whoever you want. I'd have a chat with your Dad to explain your reasoning, tell him you love how great his relationship with your kids is, but you don't see him as "Dad" because he wasn't around.

I doubt your FIL would find it too sad, I imagine he'd feel honored, and it's a way of signalling your commitment to your first husbands family even though you're getting remarried. But you could present it in a low key way, "I'd love if you could do this but I understand completely if you don't feel you can"

Firstmonthfree · 09/05/2023 15:26

It’s a lovely idea. Do it

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