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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When did you feel like an adult?

28 replies

Mearmour · 08/05/2023 21:30

I'm 38 and I definitely don't feel like an adult.

I have a nice house, a husband, I work part time, volunteer, have a few friends and hobbies, but I feel like I go through most of life pretending to be a responsible adult...

Maybe because I don't have kids? Curious to see if any parents feel the same!

OP posts:
Luckydog7 · 08/05/2023 21:41

Slightly when i bought my first car (25) then again bought first house (26) but really only recently when i started my own business when i finally, FINALLY felt confident enough in my skills to do so. Invoicing, having a business account, chasing work etc. I'm 36.

Luckydog7 · 08/05/2023 21:42

I have two kids under 5 and that certainly didn't make me feel like an adult. Utterly overwhelming!

JaceLancs · 08/05/2023 21:45

I’m 59 with 2 grown up DC and a very responsible job and there are times when I don’t feel grown up at all or even want to be
Occasionally I’ll be doing something really simple like driving to supermarket and I’ll think wow you are really grown up and it doesn’t feel real!!

MostNormalWomaninBritain · 08/05/2023 21:45

I’m 38 and still don’t either (and I run my own business! Not a parent (by choice). But I’ve never been confident. I have recently realised I always feel like I have to apologise for or justify my presence, e.g. in hobby clubs. I think this has a lot to do with it. I’m trying to work on that!

I’m married, we have a mortgage, two cars, pets, busy professional jobs, volunteering, hobbies. I’ve been waiting to feel grown up and it still hasn’t happened!

Original poster
Mearmour · 08/05/2023 21:46

Luckydog7 · 08/05/2023 21:41

Slightly when i bought my first car (25) then again bought first house (26) but really only recently when i started my own business when i finally, FINALLY felt confident enough in my skills to do so. Invoicing, having a business account, chasing work etc. I'm 36.

Congratulations on your business!

Maybe that's the key, I need more responsibility?

Some people I know are just such adulty adults though. Proper grown ups.

OP posts:
MummyJ12 · 08/05/2023 21:48

The day my dad died, when I was 22. Grief made me grow up really quickly, especially as I had to look after mum for a good while afterwards.

Original poster
Mearmour · 08/05/2023 21:48

MostNormalWomaninBritain · 08/05/2023 21:45

I’m 38 and still don’t either (and I run my own business! Not a parent (by choice). But I’ve never been confident. I have recently realised I always feel like I have to apologise for or justify my presence, e.g. in hobby clubs. I think this has a lot to do with it. I’m trying to work on that!

I’m married, we have a mortgage, two cars, pets, busy professional jobs, volunteering, hobbies. I’ve been waiting to feel grown up and it still hasn’t happened!

I've very similar in that regard; I'm a very apologetic person generally, definitely a people pleaser. So perhaps it's not responsibility, but confidence?

OP posts:
kwetu · 08/05/2023 21:51

I'm 48 peri-menopausal had 4 kids, and have grandchildren, physically I feel 60, mentally I often behave like a pubescent schoolboy. Being a 'grown up' full time is boring!

TheChosenTwo · 08/05/2023 21:51

38 with 3 dc, one at university so they’re pretty much a grown up themself!
Have a mortgage, pay bills, have a job, drive a car, in my head I’m still about 17 😂

Original poster
Mearmour · 08/05/2023 21:52

JaceLancs · 08/05/2023 21:45

I’m 59 with 2 grown up DC and a very responsible job and there are times when I don’t feel grown up at all or even want to be
Occasionally I’ll be doing something really simple like driving to supermarket and I’ll think wow you are really grown up and it doesn’t feel real!!

I know exactly what you mean! I was doing a few loads of washing earlier this afternoon and I just suddenly felt daft; almost like I was playing at 'houses' - I just found it so odd/funny to be loading my own washing machine, in my own house.

I debated opening a bottle of wine just because I could! (I didn't!)

I have recently moved house and it's been very overwhelming so could be that too.

OP posts:
illiterato · 08/05/2023 21:52

So this thread comes up fairly frequently (I don't feel like an adult/ I don't feel my age) and last time there was an amazing answer which I'm going to try to paraphrase, so no credit to me, but this absolutely nailed it.

(i) you don't feel like an adult because your "inner voice"that you hear in your head is exactly the same voice as when you were a kid, but what you don't realise is everyone else is exactly the same and that voice will be the same when you're 90.

(ii) when you are a kid you have an unrealistic and comforting view of what being an adult is like (basically you will become all-knowing and have no problems and kick the bullies into touch) and because you never realise that experience you feel like you're not grown up. But again, most people have these feelings.

Original poster
Mearmour · 08/05/2023 21:53

MummyJ12 · 08/05/2023 21:48

The day my dad died, when I was 22. Grief made me grow up really quickly, especially as I had to look after mum for a good while afterwards.

That sounds heartbreaking I'm so sorry 💐

OP posts:
Sheepsheepeverywhere · 08/05/2023 21:53

When I was nearly 40 and an absolute horror hit our family. And I knew it was up to me to pull us together and get through it.... Never before then despite being married and having dc..

Gtsr443 · 08/05/2023 21:53

When my mum died.

MummyJ12 · 08/05/2023 21:56

Thanks @Mearmour x not usually so somber in my posts but it was an honest answer. Hold onto your youth as long as possible/as long as growing up is optional!

Confused5678 · 08/05/2023 21:58

Am 33 with one child and do not feel like an adult .

stayathomer · 08/05/2023 22:05

I’m 43 and get the feeling- the ‘oh my god I can’t believe I’m an adult’ thing every so often- I looked at an old picture of my mum recently and saw she looked like she’d started to fill out around the middle as I am and I worked out that in that picture she’d have been around my age. Also recently she told me she only started dressing more formal when she was coming into her 40s.

on a different note- when I bought a table cloth and a large spoon for pasta!

Luckydog7 · 08/05/2023 22:11

I think lots of people seem adulty from the outside but that is false really. I have the business, own a property, run a car, have two small children, organised the street party but lots of this me trying to do adulty things rather then because i feel i'm an adult.

There is a moment of realisation in everyone's life when you realise that becoming an adult doesn't turn you into a complete human and everyone in the generation above you is still really fucked up in lots of ways, still a work in progress, still full of childhood issues and petty personality problems. We don't change much after reaching your 20s and if you do its generally gradual imo

bookandabrew · 08/05/2023 22:22

Not sure if this makes it better or worse, but I went out for lunch with my grandmother who's in her 80s recently and she was laughing at how grown up it felt to be going for a nice meal just the two of us. And she's probably the most 'grown up' grown up I know.

coxesorangepippin · 08/05/2023 22:23

When my son was first born (31)

BarelyLiterate · 08/05/2023 22:23

I haven’t got kids, either, and I definitely think that makes a difference. Nobody depends on me. I am not responsible for the growth & development of another human being. So, if I want to stay up to 4 am on a getting absolutely fucking wasted like a student, I can, because I don’t have to get kids to school the next day. The only person to suffer the next day is me. If I want to stay in bed all weekend, I can. Alternatively, if I want to go to Paris this weekend, I can. And I sometimes do these things, which is why I don’t really feel like a proper adult in the way parents have to be, all the time.

UsingChangeofName · 08/05/2023 22:31

It catches me occasionally, like when I look out of the window and feel a real satisfaction at seeing a line of washing blowing in the wind. Grin

I think I have to acknowledge I am probably as adult as I am going to get, when I see my children doing "adulty" things like getting jobs, graduating, looking to buy houses etc.

LaMaG · 09/05/2023 00:23

BarelyLiterate · 08/05/2023 22:23

I haven’t got kids, either, and I definitely think that makes a difference. Nobody depends on me. I am not responsible for the growth & development of another human being. So, if I want to stay up to 4 am on a getting absolutely fucking wasted like a student, I can, because I don’t have to get kids to school the next day. The only person to suffer the next day is me. If I want to stay in bed all weekend, I can. Alternatively, if I want to go to Paris this weekend, I can. And I sometimes do these things, which is why I don’t really feel like a proper adult in the way parents have to be, all the time.

Think you hit the nail on the head there. It's about responsibility and a bit of personality of course. I wish I was you or OP! I always feel like a grown up since my early 20s, never felt as youthful as my peers. No reason why really, but since becoming a parent 15 yrs ago I am overwhelmed with responsibility all the time and it doesn't serve me well. I'm 46 and feel about 60 a lot of the time, and that's possibly insulting 60yr olds. No point in wishing for youth again but I would love a younger mindset

Mañanarama · 09/05/2023 00:25

When one of my kids asked if I was really born in the 1900s.

LBFseBrom · 09/05/2023 01:16

I became adult when I had a child. So much changed: I was responsible for a dear little person, I was no longer afraid of the dark, I appreciated security whereas previously I had found it stifling.....all sorts of things.

Didn't mean I couldn't ever be daft sometimes of course but there was a definite difference.