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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to back up DH with discipline when I think he’s wrong?

47 replies

Allinadayswork80 · 08/05/2023 19:52

I’d just like some parenting/relationship advice with regards to disciplining your kids with your partner, when you think the other is wrong?

We keep coming into conflict over my DD (11), my partner is not her biological dad (she still sees her “dad” - that’s a whole other issue tho!). We’ve been together nearly 5yrs, so since my DD was 6. My DD is a generally lovely, kind, funny girl but a typical ‘tween’ and does answer back and interrupt or offer up her opinion when it’s not always welcome. This absolutely pushes my partner's buttons and he really struggles to control his temper with her. I don’t necessarily always disagree when he pulls her up, but I feel he goes too far, or jumps on her too soon, when a quiet “that’s enough” will do. This then causes conflict between us, as I naturally jump to defend her and we end up arguing. It’s happening far too often. He says I should back him up but I can’t when I disagree! I try to pull him aside out of earshot to discuss but that’s not always possible ‘in the moment’ and depends on the subject/issue. Plus he’s already really angry and we just end up having a massive argument and fall out.

When he’s right, I agree and support him but it’s not just about telling her off, but it’s also the way he does it - so angry and rants and raves at her. I’ve said he should get advice about his temper as it’s no way to show our kids (we also have a 2yr old together) how to control their emotions. He apologises to me afterwards and admits he struggles with her attitude, etc. They butt heads as they both can’t drop it and move on and it just escalates.

How do you parent and deal with disciplining your kids together? Am I being too soft? He thinks so, but I think you have to pick your battles or at least go about it in a calmer way. Please help! I can’t bear keep having these rows all the time and it’s only going to get worse as she hits her teens!

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 08/05/2023 19:55

Get How to be a Calm Parent. It's a book by Sarah Ockwell Smith all about how our own childhood and "buttons" getting triggered can make us act out our own internal demons on our kids. Loads of insightful stuff plus practical tips.

Jobsharenightmare · 08/05/2023 19:57

Hopefully that'll change things so you can find a common ground. You can agree with his point but not his delivery or attitude

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 08/05/2023 19:58

He should be apologising to her.
I would make him move out until he seeks professional help in temper management. I'm pressuring alcohol or drugs aren't an issue? His behaviour is doing your dd irreparable damage.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 08/05/2023 19:58
  • Presuming.
Theunamedcat · 08/05/2023 20:03

Ranting at children is fucking awful my ex started to do that its appalling to see (we have split up years ago now) strangly when he tried it on OUR child when he became a tween (he targeted my child when we were together) OUR child dished it back in spades and he couldn't cope with it tried to tell me it was scary to see and ds "punched a wall" I just looked at him said ahh well went back into my house to de-escalate ds

HeckyPeck · 08/05/2023 20:03

A friend of mine had a step dad who ranted and raved at her. She now barely has a relationship with her Mum as she can't get over the fact that she allowed her to be treated like that.

Is he open to seeking help for anger management? If not, I'd be seriously questioning the future of your relationship. As you say, imagine what he'll be like when she and then your joint child are teenagers if he can't cope with normal tween behavior without losing it.

Theunamedcat · 08/05/2023 20:04

And yes I know ds gers his behaviour patterns from his dad the trick is to de-escalate without giving in something his dad can't seem to do

Polik · 08/05/2023 20:07

In your position I would work on de-esculation techniques.

If you fear actual abuse is happening, then step in and stop it immediately. But this doesn't sound like that, just a differing approach to discipline.

So in the moment I would find ways to de-esculate without either losing face. "Can you both go to different rooms please?" Or just "I'll deal with this"

Then away from the heat of the moment keep on challenging and discussing a shared approach to discipline.

ApplePie20 · 08/05/2023 20:08

Is he open to seeking help for anger management? If not, I'd be seriously questioning the future of your relationship. As you say, imagine what he'll be like when she and then your joint child are teenagers if he can't cope with normal tween behaviour without losing it

Agree with all of this. He sounds like a bit of a highly strung bully. I’d say the same if DD was his biological child - it wouldn’t make a difference. And I also agree with a PP, he should be apologising to her, not you.

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 08/05/2023 20:14

Find a parenting podcast, course or book to work through together. You need to be a united front and have set standards of what you won't accept and needs immediately addressing vs what needs a quiet word later in the day.

Ask him how can you help him be calm? Does he want you to step in if he's wound up and needs to take a moment? How can you work together to diffuse the situation?

pointythings · 08/05/2023 20:15

My husband was like this, he could never just calmly tell our DC off - he always had to hand out a lengthy lecture in which he reiterated his point multiple times. He refused to change, he just got worse as they got older. It's a dealbreaker for me.

Ladykryptonite · 08/05/2023 20:18

There's no way I'd tolerate a partner speak to their step kid like that

tiggergoesbounce · 08/05/2023 20:22

He needs to resolve his anger issues. Its not a compromise, its needs to be done as you allowing this to continue will loose you your relationship with your daughter in her teenage years when she needs you the most.
He can absolutely tell her she is wrong to interupt etc etc, but he should not be ranting and raving (at anyone in the house) at her.

And No, of course you dont back him up when he's in the wrong. The united front is, he tailors his behaviour so its acceptable so you are able to back him up. Not you back up his unacceptable behaviour.

NoTouch · 08/05/2023 20:22

You should have zero tolerance of him talking to your dd like that irrespective of what she has done. Anyone who spoke to my child like that would be out on their arse in a heartbeat.

It does not bode well for your dd that even after discussing with him you do not have the confidence to protect her from his temper for minor infringments and are choosing him over her. The teens years are so difficult for kids already without that treatment in your own home. Think about what your age teaching your dd about relationships too.

He would be getting a no nonsense, zero tolerance, shape up or ship out message from me.

Tinkerbyebye · 08/05/2023 20:24

He is not her father and should leave discipline to you. If he feels he is starting to ‘butt heads’ then, as the adult he should remove himself from the situation and leave it to you to sort

Merryoldgoat · 08/05/2023 20:28

Ranting and raving is unacceptable. Full stop.

If he is apologising afterwards he knows he’s wrong. Why, therefore, would you support him.

Kids are hard work, there’s no denying that. But his behaviour is wrong and should be challenged.

haggisbreath · 08/05/2023 20:36

He apologises to you after, but does he apologise to her? After having "step" dad with similar issues, I can say that as soon as we were able, my siblings and I left. We only have a relationship with my mum now because they are no longer together. Could he agree that he steps back and allows you to deal with your DD? If he can't control himself then it would be better if he walks away. His response to this suggestion will speak multitudes I imagine.

OliveWah · 08/05/2023 20:44

I agree with others; there is no chance I would allow my DDs to be spoken to like that by anyone, especially in their own home! It doesn't matter that he's her step Dad, he's showing you how he parents, and if you let him continue, it's how he will parent your 2 year old as well.

You need to sit down with him and make sure he understands just how bad his behaviour is, and what he is going to do to ensure he stops. He also needs to apologise to your DD - and you need to make sure she knows that you are on her side with this. It's fine for a child to be told off when they misbehave, but ranting and raving at them is abusive and your DD needs to know that you won't let your DH abuse her in her own home (or anywhere else!)

lunar1 · 08/05/2023 20:47

There are zero circumstances where a child of mine would be living with an unrelated man who can't control his temper around them.

Aim higher for your daughters childhood.

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 08/05/2023 20:48

Thank you, I will look this up

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 08/05/2023 20:48

Jobsharenightmare · 08/05/2023 19:55

Get How to be a Calm Parent. It's a book by Sarah Ockwell Smith all about how our own childhood and "buttons" getting triggered can make us act out our own internal demons on our kids. Loads of insightful stuff plus practical tips.

Thank you, I will look this up.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2023 20:53

Jobsharenightmare · 08/05/2023 19:55

Get How to be a Calm Parent. It's a book by Sarah Ockwell Smith all about how our own childhood and "buttons" getting triggered can make us act out our own internal demons on our kids. Loads of insightful stuff plus practical tips.

Also When Anger Hurts Your Kids A Parent's Guide.

Anger and ranting and raving around a child is not OK. Especially a female child just getting into a stage of independence and finding her own voice. Damn right I would be standing up for her.

The message to her at the moment is 'when a man wants to to do what they want, they get angry and make you. Shut up and stop having an opinion. Other women aren't allowed to help, even your mum'.

Nope no non nein.

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 08/05/2023 20:56

Thank you for your comments so far. He will sometimes apologise to her as well as me. Your opinions are really hitting home and I was anticipating getting lots of “you’re being too soft” or “you should back him up” type comments so at least I know my view point in valid and it’s not me that’s the problem. I’m feeling terrible for allowing this to have gone so far and always protect her which infuses his anger all the more as he says that she just turns to me knowing that I’ll let her off.

I just don’t know how to go about approaching this without sparking yet another argument. He clearly needs to change his behaviour. He is otherwise a fun, loving, caring and generous partner/step dad and has been more of a dad these past few years than her own. He taught her to ride her bike, won’t accept any money from her deadbeat dad as he wants to provide for her.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 08/05/2023 20:56

I'd bin him. No way would I put up with some prick shouting at my child.

AnneElliott · 08/05/2023 21:01

Why can't he leave the parenting to you? He's not her dad so why can't he behave as though it's a friends kid and let the actual parent deal with any discipline?