Page 2 | Not to back up DH with discipline when I think he’s wrong?

Allinadayswork80 · 2023-05-08T18:52:20+00:00

I’d just like some parenting/relationship advice with regards to disciplining your kids with your partner, when you think the other is wrong? We keep coming into conflict over my DD (11), my partner is not her biological dad (she still sees her “dad” - that’s a whole other issue tho!). We’ve been together nearly 5yrs, so since my DD was 6. My DD is a generally lovely, kind, funny girl but a typical ‘tween’ and does answer back and interrupt or offer up her opinion when it’s not always welcome. This absolutely pushes my partner's buttons and he really struggles to control his temper with her. I don’t necessarily always disagree when he pulls her up, but I feel he goes too far, or jumps on her too soon, when a quiet “that’s enough” will do. This then causes conflict between us, as I naturally jump to defend her and we end up arguing. It’s happening far too often. He says I should back him up but I can’t when I disagree! I try to pull him aside out of earshot to discuss but that’s not always possible ‘in the moment’ and depends on the subject/issue. Plus he’s already really angry and we just end up having a massive argument and fall out. When he’s right, I agree and support him but it’s not just about telling her off, but it’s also the way he does it - so angry and rants and raves at her. I’ve said he should get advice about his temper as it’s no way to show our kids (we also have a 2yr old together) how to control their emotions. He apologises to me afterwards and admits he struggles with her attitude, etc. They butt heads as they both can’t drop it and move on and it just escalates. How do you parent and deal with disciplining your kids together? Am I being too soft? He thinks so, but I think you have to pick your battles or at least go about it in a calmer way. Please help! I can’t bear keep having these rows all the time and it’s only going to get worse as she hits her teens!

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2023 21:02

I just don’t know how to go about approaching this without sparking yet another argument.

Which implies his anger doesn't just affect her, it's changing your behaviour.

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 21:02

won’t accept any money from her deadbeat dad as he wants to provide for her.

This struck me. It isn't any of his business what money her dad provides for her. If he also provides, that is wonderful but it seems really controlling to say HE won't accept any money. That is your decision not his. And why should you back up his ranting and raving? Why can't he back up your calmer and more measured approach? Why is his opinion the only one that matters?

If he can't control his temper, then he needs to cede all discipline to you. He can say to your dd "I don't like what you are doing here at all so I'm going to ask your mum to deal with it". This means he can say his piece calmly and then leave the room and let you deal with it appropriately. She is only 11. The teen years could get very stormy. How is he going to behave then? And how is it going to affect your daughter?

Paperlate · 08/05/2023 21:05

You need to put your child first. He either stops ranting and raving at her or you get rid,

SoTired12 · 08/05/2023 21:10

What a hard position to be in 💐

Can you give any examples of the things she has done that annoyed him and how he reacted to said thing?

sunshineandtea · 08/05/2023 21:27

Just hopping in to say I WAS in this exact position.
I left him.
That was years ago, and now DD has left home. He has worked on his anger and realises his triggers. He has since got angry once with our DC and I nipped it in the bud immediately.

He has apologised and is 99% better than he was.

So, my point is- IF he will stop ranting and raving, then maybe you have a future.
If he doesn't, then you don't really have a choice but to leave.

sunshineandtea · 08/05/2023 21:28

I mean it's not always cut and dried, all the people saying leave him now etc.

There IS a way through this IF he will accept responsibility and make serious attempts to stop the ranting and raving.

OhcantthInkofaname · 08/05/2023 21:30

It's not his child he should not be doing the parenting. You need to ask him to step back. Don't allow him to treat your child that way.

WhatthehellisplanB · 08/05/2023 21:32

Ah, my teen step daughter was your DD 3/4 years ago.
She now lives with us full time and chooses not to have a relationship with her mum and mum's boyfriend.
Mum's boyfriend picked on her 'disciplined' her (it was bullying) and her mum did not back her up. she backed the boyfriend.
I honestly would listen to your daughter and tell your boyfriend to fuck off. He's the adult, he may be a fun father figure but you're her parent and it sounds like she needs you.
good luck, its awesome you care enough to be on here asking for advice and listening

Dancethebluez · 08/05/2023 21:38

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 21:02

won’t accept any money from her deadbeat dad as he wants to provide for her.

This struck me. It isn't any of his business what money her dad provides for her. If he also provides, that is wonderful but it seems really controlling to say HE won't accept any money. That is your decision not his. And why should you back up his ranting and raving? Why can't he back up your calmer and more measured approach? Why is his opinion the only one that matters?

If he can't control his temper, then he needs to cede all discipline to you. He can say to your dd "I don't like what you are doing here at all so I'm going to ask your mum to deal with it". This means he can say his piece calmly and then leave the room and let you deal with it appropriately. She is only 11. The teen years could get very stormy. How is he going to behave then? And how is it going to affect your daughter?

This!

neilyoungismyhero · 08/05/2023 21:39

OhcantthInkofaname · 08/05/2023 21:30

It's not his child he should not be doing the parenting. You need to ask him to step back. Don't allow him to treat your child that way.

All very well for people to crack on with this rubbish, not her parent etc. No he might not be her bio. Father but he's brought her up, looked after her, loved her, given her security and supported her through the highs and lows of her life...sleepless nights all of that parenting stuff he apparently shouldn't have been doing. No, of course he shouldn't be shouting like this but maybe he should be cut some slack...

DucksNewburyport · 08/05/2023 21:46

He should NOT be ranting and raving at her. He needs to control his temper - not tell you to support him!

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 22:55

what slack would you cut him when he rants and raves at an 11 year old and insists his way is better than her mum's?

He should be called out on this angry response. He has an anger issue that needs dealing with and this would be true if he was her biological father. Op shouldn't be putting up with crap angry parenting just to cut a grown man some slack - not at the expense of her daughter.

DonnaBanana · 08/05/2023 22:59

Yeah this doesn’t sound good. No one should lose their temper with a child, they don’t understand and it can cause psychological problems. He needs to nip this in the bud.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/05/2023 23:01

lunar1 · 08/05/2023 20:47

There are zero circumstances where a child of mine would be living with an unrelated man who can't control his temper around them.

Aim higher for your daughters childhood.

This 100%

He doesn’t get to rant and rave at your daughter. That’s awful, and pretty much abusive.

I knew when I read your title it was going to be one of those situations- when men insist on their partners “backing them up” with children or accuse them of “undermining me” it is such a red flag. Given that she’s not even his Dd, it’s even worse.

He should back off from discipline with her entirely.

Honestly, I’d be ashamed to have brought a man like that into my children’s home.

Original poster

Allinadayswork80 · 08/05/2023 23:05

neilyoungismyhero · 08/05/2023 21:39

All very well for people to crack on with this rubbish, not her parent etc. No he might not be her bio. Father but he's brought her up, looked after her, loved her, given her security and supported her through the highs and lows of her life...sleepless nights all of that parenting stuff he apparently shouldn't have been doing. No, of course he shouldn't be shouting like this but maybe he should be cut some slack...

Show quote history

Thank you. This is exactly it, he’s stepped in and provided a loving reliable father figure and he does deserve some respect from her as a parental figure, he just struggles with how he goes about it. I was
hoping for maybe a little more advice rather than all the LTB stuff, even though I respect that people have my daughter’s best interest at heart. But so do I and we’re a family trying to muddle our way through parenting. He’s a good man and doesn’t intend to upset.

We have spoken this evening, he’s taken a lot on board and accepted he needs to alter how he reacts to her and deal with his anger better. He’s not threatening or physically aggressive in any way at all.

OP posts:

SeaToSki · 08/05/2023 23:11

There are two issues here that you need to separate and talk through with him

whether he should react, ie DD needed to be corrected or not

and

how he reacts, ie modeling calm communication or modeling angry shouting

I am guessing that if he could fix point two, there would be a lot less disagreements over point one.

Its all about remembering to interact with your children the way you want them to learn to interact with you and others. They learn what to do by watching their parents…

UWhatNow · 08/05/2023 23:11

Your dd is just starting her transition from child to young woman. For parents to support this crucial developmental stage it needs patience and nuance. Not aggression and coercion. He’s taking a hammer to crack a nut.

Sometimes 11 years are annoying. Sometimes they have a point. The clue is to treat both with mentorship, not moronic bullying and shouting.

It’s ironic that he’s trying to ‘parent’ but it’s him that needs to grow up.

OliveWah · 08/05/2023 23:15

I think it's really positive that you've asked for advice, taken it and had the difficult conversation with your DH. It sounds like a really tricky thing to navigate but it seems as if you feel encouraged by posters telling you that you're doing the right thing in standing up for your DD and after that conversation, your post sounds like you feel hopeful that your DH is willing to work on the changes he needs to make. All very positive!

ExhaustedPigwidgeon · 08/05/2023 23:25

Allinadayswork80 · 08/05/2023 23:05

Thank you. This is exactly it, he’s stepped in and provided a loving reliable father figure and he does deserve some respect from her as a parental figure, he just struggles with how he goes about it. I was
hoping for maybe a little more advice rather than all the LTB stuff, even though I respect that people have my daughter’s best interest at heart. But so do I and we’re a family trying to muddle our way through parenting. He’s a good man and doesn’t intend to upset.

We have spoken this evening, he’s taken a lot on board and accepted he needs to alter how he reacts to her and deal with his anger better. He’s not threatening or physically aggressive in any way at all.

Show quote history

I bet your daughter thinks him threatening when he’s ranting and raving at her.

ExhaustedPigwidgeon · 08/05/2023 23:27

What are you going to do next time he starts on her? He might say he’s going to change now but words are cheap.

AndTheSurveySays · 08/05/2023 23:37

He’s not threatening or physically aggressive in any way at all.

Bullshit. If someone much taller and stronger than you kept ranting at you, you wouldn't find that threatening? Your daughter had no power, you're allowing a grown adult to keep having a go at her. Disgraceful parenting on your part to allow this to carry one.

sandyhappypeople · 09/05/2023 00:29

If you're normally there when this is happening, then (assuming your daughter has actually done something wrong in the first place), could you come up with a system with your daughter where you temporarily send her out of the room, go to her bedroom etc? Maybe talk to your daughter about it beforehand and tell her what to expect.

Obviously immediate punishment/discipline isn't working and just escalates, so it sounds like you need to intervene earlier on, not to punish her, but to remove her from the situation to give everyone a chance to calm down and then discuss with your DP how best to address it, if he responds in anger just say you value his opinion but you're not willing to get into it while he's angry, if he wants a say he needs to calm down first, if not, you'll decide and what you say goes, the ball will be in his court. He obviously knows he goes too far in the heat of the moment that's why he apologises afterwards, so it could be a way of breaking the cycle? It's not a long term fix though, ultimately he needs to learn to control his anger or you will continue to intervene on her behalf. Once you've discussed maybe he can even be the ones to talk to her calmly and resolve the problem?

I do think he should have a say in how she's disciplined though, I don't agree with this line in the sand bollocks about picking and choosing parental responsibilities, but he most definitely shouldn't be doing it out of anger, and ranting and raving at her, I'd be like you and jump straight in the middle if that was the case.

Only you know if you're being too soft. I always thought my sister was far too soft on my nephew when he was younger, her husband (his dad) would always get angry with her about letting him 'get away with things' when she was unreasonably soft. But if he ever told him off, my sister would immediately undermine him, and reverse any punishment handed out. It's like she didn't trust him to parent and it caused so much tension for them as a couple, and a lot of the time I thought the husband was being completely reasonable, sometimes a bit too harsh. There was definitely a middle ground to be had but both sides flat out refused to see the others point of view, and it never got any better.