To feel so despondent about friendships

[june888]

My son has just turned two and for the past year or so, I have spent a lot of time trying to make friends with other mums in the area - inviting them to bbqs, coffees, play dates, outings etc.

However, people often cancel on me at the last minute (usually due to illness, which I totally understand - but it happens so often!) and some mums will talk about other mums they’ve met who they say have become their best friends in the area.

I just wish I had a solid group of mum friends who didn’t cancel play dates all the time - and a mum who would regard me as one of her best friends. I feel so lonely a lot of the time and am worried I’m just not that likeable.

AIBU?

I definitely had this! But I also had to cancel occasionally. Your babies are still young that a bad night can make leaving the house impossible. One way you can try is inviting four of five mums on one day - knowing most will cancel but a couple will show up!

I started a group WhatsApp of local mums I liked and would text them about when I was going to song time at the library and see who wanted to go for coffee afterwards. I would also post one off events and ask who was going. I was very much the social secretary but it worked and out of group of about 10 I got two women I love very much.

Keep trying. People get less flaky when they get more sleep. But if people continuously brush you off, move on and don’t worry. We have no idea what’s going in people’s lives.

You’re not going to be anyone’s best friend any time soon
(these women are not my best friends!) But you can make some close mates.

Friendship takes time - and a best friend takes a significant amount of time.

Can you reset the idea in your head to "I am looking for colleagues who are doing the same job (eg raising a toddler)?"

It might help with the disappointment which is inevitable if you have got the idea of gaining a "best friend" rapidly and position it more as something where you won't feel so negative if it is cancelled.

And then some of those colleagues might become friends in time and maybe even close friends with significant amounts of times, much like work.

Do you have pre-motherhood friendships?

Thanks for the responses. Part of me just wants to shut myself off from other people to avoid disappointment. I know that’s silly but I feel so despondent at the moment. It doesn’t help that DH and I are going through a rough patch too. Sometimes you just feel so alone, you know?

It just feels like I’ve got no one I can truly talk to!

I think the problem is looking for "mum friends". You don't automatically have any basis for friendship with people just because you both happened to have babies at around the same time. You don't acquire a best friend in 5 mins based on proximity. That's for 5 year olds.

I think you need to join groups that actually have some meaning for you, seek out people who you have things in common with, shared interests etc, other than simply both being mothers.

@shammalammadingdong I disagree with you that the experience of being a mum can't lead to friendship through shared meaning and experiences.

If I go to an art group and someone else decides to go to the same art group, that doesn't mean we will be friends because we both like art. Or tennis, or ballroom dancing, or ultimate frisbee, or whatever.

There is no more chance of any of those things leading to a friendship than a shared experience of being a mother.

Making friends in my experience is 50% luck and 50% perseverance. Also a little sprinkling of initiative. Sometimes you have to be the social secretary, as @Dustmybroom says. People do cancel on you, but if you invite enough people, and keep inviting them, you will probably end up with a few keepers.

I’m just really struggling with feelings of loneliness. I genuinely feel I have no one to talk to. I tried inviting a few mums out for an early evening drink recently - one said she couldn’t make it due to having two under two (fair enough!) and the other cancelled at the last minute.

I was hoping the one who cancelled would try to rearrange but she hasn’t - so I don’t want to reach out (sorry, hate that expression) again.

Don’t let it put you off, OP. You’re not unlikeable. Just keep smiling and being chatty to people you meet out and about. Go to as many groups/activities you can.

Why do your friends need to be "mums"? What happened to the friends you had before your child was born?

I think the problem is looking for "mum friends". You don't automatically have any basis for friendship with people just because you both happened to have babies at around the same time. You don't acquire a best friend in 5 mins based on proximity. That's for 5 year olds.

I agree. People massively over invest in the idea that having kids gives you a ready made social life. These are just people with their own lives and concerns and worries. They don’t owe you friendship.

I don’t mean to sound unkind and there’s nothing wrong with trying to make friends where you can find them but you’re expecting too much by trying to make them instant besties.

Give people a bit of space and time. Understand that friendships take time and don’t happen overnight and cut people a bit of slack when they aren’t perfect. Some people may grow to be friends, most won’t. Be a bit less stressed and expect less and you will probably be pleasantly surprised.

You’ll find the friend when you’re not looking. Maybe you’re giving off desperate vibes, trying too hard? Relax and you’ll find people who might not be friends at the beginning but will grow with you.

I went through so many mum friends at the beginning. I didn’t mean to but with so much chaos at the time I couldn’t keep the play dates (due to ds having appointments, mild cold, me also tired and exhausted or needing to run errands) it’s a turbulent time.

I did make a friend and we are friends now still 16 years later. She’s like family. But I had no plan to make friends only to join groups for ds to find other children he could play with.

I tried inviting a few mums out for an early evening drink recently - one said she couldn’t make it due to having two under two (fair enough!) and the other cancelled at the last minute.

I generally resisted efforts to move Mum Friendships to evenings out. Firstly I made those friends specifically so I would have nice people to hang out with on maternity leave and non-work weekdays, and secondly as a single mum my evenings out need to be rationed carefully to preserve long term friendships. That shouldn't be true for women with a husband but...it often is.

I think the issue is more that you don't have old friends that you feel you can talk openly to about your marriage. That is a tough situation for sure, but don't feel despondent that your Mum Friends don't want to move beyond that level of friendship right now. As time passed some do and some don't, and very likely one or two will become close friends in time (this has been my experience).

I really do mean this in a genuine, helpful way, with no nastiness at all....... this might be part of the problem . People can tell if you are overeager, if you are looking for a shoulder to cry on, a supportive instant friend. It will put people off. People you meet at a toddler group will be casual acquaintances at best for quite a while.
I think you're looking for a close and therapeutic relationship that doesn't just happen quickly. It can take years to get close to people in that way.

Because I really want friends with similar aged kids who my son can play with.

Don’t try too hard. View it as meeting acquaintances- someone you may spend time with, but not the end of the day if they cancel. But is has to grow organically really…. Maybe someone you meet at a group every week, get chatting… and it has to be the right circumstances too…
many people may be back at work, having a second… and may not have time to fit in a new friend. But there will be a number that feel just the same as you do - just keep looking!

Just want to say you are not alone I feel the same.

No idea how you move a mum interaction (at a playgroup for example) to the next level. Asking for their number always seems a bit keen to me.

I have no mum crew and I too am secretly envious of those who do and wonder what they have done that I haven't to obtain that. I have one friend from nct (out of the nine of us) and two pre kid friends who happen to have kids same age (ish) as mine. We don't hang out super often though.

I am quite introvert so it suits me in a way but understand why you feel the way you do as I still feel left out when I see mum bffs together

I'm hoping once my DC starts school a more consistent regular group of mum faces (potentially friendships) will appear and something will come out of that.

If anything your post has made me feel less alone so thank you for sharing

I think the people who said I might be trying too hard and giving off desperate vibes might be right. But I worry if I don’t try I’ll never meet anyone! I’m clearly not a natural at this.

@June888 I feel like I could have written your post, although my child is a few years older. Whereabouts are you? Maybe we could meet up!

Hi op do you see anyone at parks or playgrounds. I agree its hard. Are there any local facebook group meetups.

To be honest, being a new parent is really hard and I think everyone has these feelings of loneliness at times - I am not trying to minimise, more to say that you're not weird or anything!

When I became a parent, I found it really hard because none of my friends had children yet and the mums I did meet were all older than me. I wasn't a teenage mum or anything - I was 24 when I had DD1 - but often they'd say things like, "Oh, bless her, she's such a baby!" about me, which kind of didn't lead to a natural equal friendship vibe.

I'd say two things, and they're linked. Firstly, maybe expect less from the friendships. These are just women who've had a baby at roundabout the same time you did. They're not necessarily soulmates. You might not even want them to be! They're people you can be friendly with and build a friendship with perhaps, but they're not automatically potential super close friends.

Secondly, if you can get into that mindset, it might actually help you with making connections. Often, when we're just really eager to make a friend, it inhibits how we interact with people. We become too "nice", too eager to please, and it doesn't come across as very natural. While it's not a bad thing to be trying to be pleasant, it might make it harder for others to get a sense of the real you.

I don't know if this all sounds horribly wishy-washy, but if it helps at all, I'm glad it does. You will find people, I promise! But there's sometimes strength in just being, and waiting for those connections to happen rather than forcing them.

I made lots of friends. Still keep in touch with most of them. The secret is (and this was not planned!) to do A LOT OF VERY BORING child related things with the mums. Going for walks in the park with prams or just the local playground. (Talking. Listening mostly I’m good at listening) - And chase them up too to see how that thing went that they discussed with you. Losing baby weight together. (Yoga classes together on a Sunday morning) Boxing classes, I made the best friend who was my neighbour too, so a bonus. anyone who wanted to do that whole 10,000 steps. Meet up for quick coffee and pram walking, perhaps down to the next village - or another area. Looong walks basically. Kids seem to love it too.

The parties are too fussy and too much pressure. Swimming with babies can be okay I found people cancelled on me with that one. But still went and found other people there that I knew. Picnics are great. Barbecues are okay once in a while but only for next level friendships. Not great for mums with little children that might be breastfed or need nappy changing.

I guess what happens is, you end up looking like you’re having fun, with or without a friend - and they find you.

Playdates etc are much easier once kids are at school. They will make friends ans then you have to make a bit of an effort with their friends' mums. They are usually receptive to playdate suggestions as they want their kids to have friends. Then you can chat/have coffee when they pick them up. Also there will be lots of parties and you can stay and chat. You will find friends that way in time. I think you are maybe at the loneliest stage!! Local meet-up groups might be good though?

It’s hard to look like you’re having fun when you’re on your own though! 😢